What if you don't like the only friends you have...

Hey all.

I've touched upon this before, but I feel the need to talk about it again. Does anyone else relate to what I am about to say?

I have very few friends. I think most of us can relate to that. It's been like this since I was a small child. Actually, it's always been like this, now that I think of it.

So, I have been invited to hang out with this group of friends I have hung out with for the past few years. And I don't want to. I don't think I am being avoidant here. It's just that I was honest tonight, and asked myself, "Do you want to hang out with them?" and my answer was a clear "no".

I never feel comfortable or myself with these people. I don't have much in common with them, at all, and I always feel left out of conversations. So, why I have spent time with these people, and called them my friends, for the past few years? The answer is sad.

I've hung on to them as friends because I have felt it was better than being completely alone. Even though I virtually always disliked hanging out with them, and always left afterwards feeling emotionally drained, I kept accepting invitations to hang out because it was better than being alone.

Yet, I have met a few people from church, and when we hang out, I feel happier and more myself. I have more in common with them.

It's sad that because of my avoidance, I have never been able to initiate socialization with people I really want to know and be friends with. I haven't really involved myself in interests where it is possible to meet people I would feel comfortable with.

So, do I just blow these people off? Do I tell the one person I consider to be a friend that I don't like any of their other friends and don't want to hang out with them? Because I don't. And I feel like I don't want to waste anymore time with people I have nothing in common with.

It's scary though. Maybe at least having people to hang out with now and then, even though I have nothing in common with them and don't feel good about myself after being with them, is better than no socialization at all.

I am pretty much rambling here, sorry. It's quite a dilemma, and I am feeling a little lousy about it. Sometimes I wonder if I have a curse where I just can't be friends with people.

Hey, I can relate to not liking the people you hang out with. I used to hand out with people that i really hated. I dont know why i hung out with them because everytime i did i would most the time not like it or get seriosuly emotionly depressed or angry or just drained.
It wasint till about 3 months ago that i started hanging out with people i actaully liked and started hanging out with new people. The people i hang out with now make me feel good and are great friends.
I didnt just blow off my old friends i just driftted away from them because i didnt want to be an ass hole or anything to them.

If i were you i would start hanging out with those people you mentioned at church and maybe start trying to make new friends to find people you really like. Trust me when i say this if you dont abandon or not hang out with the people you like it really dosnt bring any fond memorories or makign you happy. I know from experiance.

I think you could be a little honest with that one person you think of as a true friend in the group, but i dont think i would go to say that you completely hate the other people and will never hang out with them. Just kind of slowly tell him how you dont really like the other people.

... If socializing with people makes you feel bad then dont socialize with them!

Thanks for your feedback, oakchair. It's good to know I am not alone in this. It's only been over the past year that I discovered that other people actually choose their friends they want to hang out with!

Oakchair wrote: i dont think i would go to say that you completely hate the other people and will never hang out with them.

Oh, I would never say I hated them, because I don't. As people go, they are good. I just have nothing in common with them, and I feel left out in conversations and such. I think I'm going to decline the invitation. I went out on a limb and asked some people I'd like to get to know if they want to do something this weekend. I NEVER do that, so I am feeling anxious and fearful of rejection. Ah well.

I am glad you are making inroads with new friends. It's encouraging.

When there is someone I would actually like to be friends with, I get terribly nervous and anxious. I just called someone I know, who I'd like as a friend, and chatted a bit. I wanted to ask if she wanted to go see a movie (as platonic friends), but I chickened out and made it seem like small talk and then hung up without asking.

Now I am feeling disappointed with myself. My fear of rejection is so strong. I feel so unworthy of even asking if someone wants to do something as simple as catching a movie. My belief is that the only reason someone would want to do something with me is out of pity. I know this is not true intellectually, but emotionally it is very powerful for me.

Unfortunately I can relate to this. I have no true friends and accept that. The people who I do call friends I pretty much just put up with so that I'm not totally alone all the time. I only deal with them every now and then. I have pretty much nothing in common with most of them and usually it's just them talking to me. I gave up even trying to talk about anything serious with them because they are so self centered that they just don't have a clue. They've been getting on my nerves more and more. I lack the ability to make new friends (maybe this is just an avoidant excuse). Quite honestly I just don't know how to form serious friendships.


My friends aren't bad people either. They mean well in their own immature, self centered ways. I know they also care about me on some level. I think it's just that I really don't relate that much to them and they don't really know me (I know they think they do). Even if by some magic I found a whole new group of friends, I'd still probably keep in touch with them, just even more rarely.

At ;east you had the nerve to call this one person who you would like to be friends with, even though you didn't ask her to the movies. I wouldn't even have that nerve. I hate chatting on the phone and never know what to say. Just tell yourself that you are just as good as everyone else and anybody who wants to be friends with you is doing so because they like you, not pity you.
I know, easier said than done.

Trence if your feeling like you really wanted to do something just call her up again. Or call her up the next day or something.
I know what you mean when you say you get all nervous well you are around some one who you want to be your friend, this happens to me i usualy feel like i will never end up being their friend, most the time i end up being their friend. I usualy upscale them when i want to be their friend but when they are we nevr become good friends. I have found that the people who i didnt want or just didnt seem like they would be good friends ended up as the friends i liked and hung out with.

I am not good at making new friends i usualy rely on my old friends to get new friends and then introduce and bring those new ones in my life. The few friends i have made on my own have showed interest in me and started the relationship. I rarely ever start the relationship

trence--I can totally relate to getting terribly anxious in social situations and not asking someone out, for example. I can tell you something that helped me get more assertive through the years. It sounds morbid, but now I don't think of it that way.

Somewhere along the line I read about "deathbed thinking" and it got me moving. Whenever I'm anxious about something, I ask myself how I would feel if I was on my deathbed, right now, and had never done it. I take a few minutes and close my eyes and imagine that's the scenario. It's kind of a sick-sounding concept but it has really motivated me to act in anxiety producing situations, especially social ones. And it's nice because it shifts the attention on possibly getting rejected to preventing me from having future regrets; that ends up becoming the bigger issue.

I know this can be easier said than done but I thought I'd mention it since it has been valuable to me.

I hope you call your new potential friend and ask her out.

I can totally relate to what's been said here, but I also want to add a personal twist to it.
Me and my friends go back a long time, I know my (still) best friend practically from the day I was born, we were neighbors and we are 1 month apart (I'm 29). Consequently, they know all about me and I know all about them, at least that's what I think.
I sometimes got that feeling too in their presence that we have nothing in common, that nothing unites us but a common past together.
But sometimes I also feel like they're trying to put me back in place, because anything I try to do is filtered through the impressions of the past we shared together, so in a way they enforce my avoidancy
I'm trying hard to change, but I think no one can become a different person over night, the small changes he/she goes through ought to be positively reinforced by family/friends. And what do these friends do? They put you back to your place, because the change is too small for them; they constantly revert to the old image of you (whatever old means) and judge you accordingly.

So, do I just blow these people off? Do I tell the one person I consider to be a friend that I don't like any of their other friends and don't want to hang out with them? Because I don't. And I feel like I don't want to waste anymore time with people I have nothing in common with.

I say, feel free to blow them off. I just worked on a similar issue with my therapist and concluded that really not liking people, with a supporting reason such as having nothing in common, is different than having friends/acquaintances/prospects with whom you don't initiate contact for "no reason" (avoidance).

Haha. I don't have any friends anymore and I don't want any for the rest of my miserable life.