BF with AVpD

A few questions about my boyfriend if thats ok?


1. Does it get better over time with more trust earned or will he get worse the closer we get to each other ?

2. I feel like if i just accept and be patient when he does his withdrawl patterns that it is encouraging him where if i get mad he gets conditioned to equate withdrawing with negativity

3. Do i tell him there is a name for his problems and would him knowing this influence his desire to get treatment?

4. How do I get him to get treatment so that he can be properly diagnosed and treated?

5. What can I do to encourage him and help him rebuild his self esteem?

6. How do I deal with him in a crises eg: anything that affects his self esteem like being jobless or homeless or being treated poorly by parents?


P.S

I have almost a year of research trying to discover what is wrong with him and I'm well educated on p-disorders and not jumping to conclusions here. Please feel free to question me about his behaviors if you need any further clarification.

On the whole he is a good man with good values, kind hearted, fun to be with, very sexy, seemingly trustable one woman kind of guy, intelligent, with a huge capacity to love who cant seem to see anything other than the looser/ugly/asshole profile his parents and xg instilled in him so he keeps running away worried that Im going to see the same. I have no intention of giving up on him although I am a bit concerned he might drive me crazy with this drama. Its not easy going from loved to neglected, a bit of a rollercoaster. He pushes my own buttons when he does this, - fear of abandonment and fear of being cheated on, for the most part. Suddenly I find myself suffering the same psychological pain as he is and its not easy for me either. My head starts a repeating drama that he is ignoring me because he is cheating and lying. In times of mental clarity, I do know the truth - hes having an anxiety attack and ignoring me because he cant handle the emotional vulnerability.

Thankyou for your replies in advance

sleepless wrote:A few questions about my boyfriend if thats ok?


1. Does it get better over time with more trust earned or will he get worse the closer we get to each other ?

Better. But only if you give him constant reassurance.

sleepless wrote:2. I feel like if i just accept and be patient when he does his withdrawl patterns that it is encouraging him where if i get mad he gets conditioned to equate withdrawing with negativity

He gets angry because of a hatred for rejection. Show him more love when he withdraws.

sleepless wrote:3. Do i tell him there is a name for his problems and would him knowing this influence his desire to get treatment?

If you can't help him. But otherwise, I don't deem it neccessary.

sleepless wrote:4. How do I get him to get treatment so that he can be properly diagnosed and treated?

Suggest he is clinically depressed.

sleepless wrote:5. What can I do to encourage him and help him rebuild his self esteem?

Constant reassurance, constant reassurance, constant reassurance.

sleepless wrote:6. How do I deal with him in a crises eg: anything that affects his self esteem like being jobless or homeless or being treated poorly by parents?

Hes probably been rarely touched. Put your arms around him when you talk to him. Help him search for a job, instill optimism by complimenting him.

sleepless wrote:On the whole he is a good man with good values, kind hearted, fun to be with, very sexy, seemingly trustable one woman kind of guy, intelligent, with a huge capacity to love who cant seem to see anything other than the looser/ugly/asshole profile his parents and xg instilled in him so he keeps running away worried that Im going to see the same. I have no intention of giving up on him although I am a bit concerned he might drive me crazy with this drama. Its not easy going from loved to neglected, a bit of a rollercoaster. He pushes my own buttons when he does this, - fear of abandonment and fear of being cheated on, for the most part. Suddenly I find myself suffering the same psychological pain as he is and its not easy for me either. My head starts a repeating drama that he is ignoring me because he is cheating and lying. In times of mental clarity, I do know the truth - hes having an anxiety attack and ignoring me because he cant handle the emotional vulnerability.

Ah. He projects miserability on you. He is surely depressed.

The emotional vulnerability is rediculously severe. He wants you to feel like him. I suggest you don't smile a lot. He probably won't like it.

I don't know...when I had someone with me, it only made me worse. I couldn't stand it, and the more she tried to cheer me up, and do nice things for me, and show me love, the more I pushed away. Her showing affection to me, her loving me made me feel so guilty and selfish that I ended up hating her for it and told her to stop because it hurt.

The more I loved her the more I hated her. I still am that way. She couldn't handle it because I'd pick at her, and depressed her and made her sad, because so often that's the only thing that would make me feel safe. I wanted her to hate me so badly, that I'd start fights and take the most absurd and wrong stance I could just to piss her off.

I wanted her to hurt me, emotionally and physically. I wanted her to make me feel miserable, because that's what I truly believe I deserve(d). I refused to let her show me affection...and I don't know where you are in your relationship but I was always rather dismissive of intercourse...especially when it came to my pleasure, I even banned her from doing certain things because I just couldn't rationalize in my mind why she'd want to do that just to make me happy.

And then later on, I couldn't even feel good about doing it at all, and always felt guilty at the idea of doing it. To the point that'd make me feel sick afterwards because I just couldn't think anyone would want to with me.

Everytime she tried to help me. I'd be angry at her for trying to fix me. I'd accuse her of thinking I wasn't good enough, or that she was trying to change me or that she didn't really want me.

Even within the relationship it was lonely because it's really hard to understand the terror that comes with this. Not just terror but the depression and paranoia and confusion and guilt. If he hates himself, you may never get him because there isn't any incentive for himself to change, because he truly would rather he not be around for people to have to bother with.

quint wrote:I don't know...when I had someone with me, it only made me worse. I couldn't stand it, and the more she tried to cheer me up, and do nice things for me, and show me love, the more I pushed away. Her showing affection to me, her loving me made me feel so guilty and selfish that I ended up hating her for it and told her to stop because it hurt.

The more I loved her the more I hated her. I still am that way. She couldn't handle it because I'd pick at her, and depressed her and made her sad, because so often that's the only thing that would make me feel safe. I wanted her to hate me so badly, that I'd start fights and take the most absurd and wrong stance I could just to piss her off.

I wanted her to hurt me, emotionally and physically. I wanted her to make me feel miserable, because that's what I truly believe I deserve(d). I refused to let her show me affection...and I don't know where you are in your relationship but I was always rather dismissive of intercourse...especially when it came to my pleasure, I even banned her from doing certain things because I just couldn't rationalize in my mind why she'd want to do that just to make me happy.

And then later on, I couldn't even feel good about doing it at all, and always felt guilty at the idea of doing it. To the point that'd make me feel sick afterwards because I just couldn't think anyone would want to with me.

Everytime she tried to help me. I'd be angry at her for trying to fix me. I'd accuse her of thinking I wasn't good enough, or that she was trying to change me or that she didn't really want me.

Even within the relationship it was lonely because it's really hard to understand the terror that comes with this. Not just terror but the depression and paranoia and confusion and guilt. If he hates himself, you may never get him because there isn't any incentive for himself to change, because he truly would rather he not be around for people to have to bother with.

I'm going to have to recommend pretty much everything you just said to the OP.

Let me summarize:

Most AVPDs who are depressed enjoy it when someone becomes a good friend, sort of like a guy-guy relationship, and increases the levels of emotion and trust, very slowly. And only helps rarely. Never "reaching out", but passively letting safe guards.

Example; An AVPD guy gets dumped. The other guy, guy 2, who wants to get closer to AVPD guy, instead of asking him things like "Are you Ok?", subtley goes out of his way to relax AVPD guy, by doing something like inviting him to the skating rink, a horror movie, etc, and not giving him much room to decline without looking like an ass.

So then Kane, would it be impossible (very improbable) for someone that's a depressive avpd to actually be loved? I mean it does make it difficult to want to go out there, knowing it's hopeless because a person can't accept the feelings of the other person.

Hello, Thanks for the replies

The other day I did something special for him. I made a really nice dinner and spent the evening trying to make him feel special and cared for.

It backfired in my face. It is true, the more I love him the more he pushes me away.

He spent the evening saying off the wall things to me, picking at me, trying to create distance. He lcut the night short at 11 pm. I think he was terrorized. Even his kiss was so intimate and passionate and tender.

The next day I suspected he might cancel on me because my gesture from the night b4 was really emotion provoking for him and when he called with a lame excuse the next day.... I lost it.

All my anger from the night before came out and I said a bunch of things I didnt mean. I couldnt help it, my mind is becoming unstable from this rollercoaster, he triggers me repeatedly.

His past relationship was abusive and I know that it was the exact same problems. The only difference is that I might actually understand whats going on.

Anyway, hes gone now, running like mad, and I feel really sick to think that this was probably the last round with us, but then, maybe there is something wrong with me too for wanting to be with someone who cant give me what i need either.

To an outsider, he would appear to be failing to give any effort, but I can clearly recognize that he is giving every effort he is possible of giving without falling apart. Still, his effort is so far from what one needs for a healthy relationship, but i cant help to love him for giving me the best that hes got. I know in my heart he has done that.

So yeah, my heart is breaking. I hope he is ok. I called him to apologise and left a message on his machine. I think its over though, I cant bare that thought so Im going on vacation for a week. Please pray 3 things... A. that he calls me and B. that he recognises that I'm worth the effort and C. that he realises that he needs therapy and agrees to get it.

If there is no mesage on my machine when i get back, I might just fall apart myself.

Thankyou for your help.

It may be best to leave him be for a bit. If you go right in and try to comfort him or attempt to cheer him up or go in and fix it, you'll only provoke a more nasty reaction.

From my own experience, I was so lonely that I would come sneaking back after a short period, however the whole thing would just repeat itself. I think you'll be happier away from him, and like I said, you have to shut him down completely if you decide to leave him, you can not let him back in, no matter how much he pleads and cries and looks like he's better (he's not but he's done enough observation to know what it looks like to fake it). If he comes back you'll just be caught in the same cycle again. I think you just need to let it fall apart and then shut the door on the entire mess.

sleepless wrote:Hello, Thanks for the replies

The other day I did something special for him. I made a really nice dinner and spent the evening trying to make him feel special and cared for.

It backfired in my face. It is true, the more I love him the more he pushes me away.

He spent the evening saying off the wall things to me, picking at me, trying to create distance. He lcut the night short at 11 pm. I think he was terrorized. Even his kiss was so intimate and passionate and tender.

The next day I suspected he might cancel on me because my gesture from the night b4 was really emotion provoking for him and when he called with a lame excuse the next day.... I lost it.

All my anger from the night before came out and I said a bunch of things I didnt mean. I couldnt help it, my mind is becoming unstable from this rollercoaster, he triggers me repeatedly.

His past relationship was abusive and I know that it was the exact same problems. The only difference is that I might actually understand whats going on.

Anyway, hes gone now, running like mad, and I feel really sick to think that this was probably the last round with us, but then, maybe there is something wrong with me too for wanting to be with someone who cant give me what i need either.

To an outsider, he would appear to be failing to give any effort, but I can clearly recognize that he is giving every effort he is possible of giving without falling apart. Still, his effort is so far from what one needs for a healthy relationship, but i cant help to love him for giving me the best that hes got. I know in my heart he has done that.

So yeah, my heart is breaking. I hope he is ok. I called him to apologise and left a message on his machine. I think its over though, I cant bare that thought so Im going on vacation for a week. Please pray 3 things... A. that he calls me and B. that he recognises that I'm worth the effort and C. that he realises that he needs therapy and agrees to get it.

If there is no mesage on my machine when i get back, I might just fall apart myself.

Thankyou for your help.

Call him up, and say this, in a low tone:

"Do you really want to be alone? When you decide the answer is no, you give me a call back."

And hang up.

quint wrote:It may be best to leave him be for a bit. If you go right in and try to comfort him or attempt to cheer him up or go in and fix it, you'll only provoke a more nasty reaction.

From my own experience, I was so lonely that I would come sneaking back after a short period, however the whole thing would just repeat itself. I think you'll be happier away from him, and like I said, you have to shut him down completely if you decide to leave him, you can not let him back in, no matter how much he pleads and cries and looks like he's better (he's not but he's done enough observation to know what it looks like to fake it). If he comes back you'll just be caught in the same cycle again. I think you just need to let it fall apart and then shut the door on the entire mess.

Yeah quint, you pretty much understand him, and the situation as well. Tell me something and be honest... did you love this person you were with or did you just keep them around so as not to be lonely?

Yeah quint, you pretty much understand him, and the situation as well. Tell me something and be honest... did you love this person you were with or did you just keep them around so as not to be lonely?

It's difficult to tell. I am not overly comfortable with my feelings when it comes to other people. I couldn't tell you if I loved her, or if I didn't. I was mostly interested in keeping her happy, or pleased and fretting over when she tried to do the same for me, or locking myself away from her to keep her from knowing how I felt.

I thought I loved her, but I'm so very screwed up I wouldn't know love from hate, and for the most part would have preferred being punished by her (or at least that's what I told myself). I think he thinks he loves you, but that doesn't mean it's healthy for you to be constantly unhappy.

The parts afterward the cycle of coming and going were more about not knowing how to exist without her, or defining myself without her and of course there were also carnal desires mixed in there as well, (though those usually spawned the push away since I'd feel guilty afterwards). I think a very minute part of it, was about loving her, and wanting her happy.