Can anyone relate to this?

I recently came across a site online that mentioned the following as a symptom of AvPD.

"Patients are perfectionists and can reject those who do not live up to their standards. Belief that their absence of relationships is not because they are unable to have them, but rather that they do not want to waste their time."

Can anyone relate to this?

hmm.. mebbe kinda

I'm not sure if I reject others as much as I reject myself.. I definitely am a perfectionist, and see that I have to acheive perfection to be worthy of any kind of relationship. There are quite big shoes to fill, to enter someone elses life.

But I guess in the end, yeah, I do push away and reject others. There have been some key moments in my life when a few have tried to enter my life, and I would be soo worried of rejection, I ended up rejecting them without realizing it.

So yeah.. I guess I can relate.

Sort of. For me it's a bit of a paradox. On one hand I tend to find fault with everyone and feel sometimes quite genuinely that I don't need the affection of people because they're either too arrogant, flakey, obnoxious, or whatever.

Then sometimes I'm at a point where I don't care how abusive or unstable a person is, and that it's really my fault for not being able to understand them.

I'm definately a perfectionist (not sure its because of AvPD or AS, probably both). I've never really been in a situation where I rejected another person because of their sub-par work (mainly because I don't engage in such situations).
Rather I would continue working with them but revising/re-doing their work until it met my standard. I don't think I could ever 'reject' a person and say them that I didn't like their work. Instead, say "I like it very much, but it needs some changes".

Actually I'm not sure what they mean with 'rejection' precisely. Do they mean the thought of rejection, or acting upon it (as in saying the other person's work does not meet the standard)?

Either way, in my case:

* I Believe that absence of relationships is because I am unable to have them.
* I do not want to waste their time.
* I do not want them to waste my time (it keeps me from perfecting things, allthough I would make an exception for someone whom I have an intimate relationship with, or so I hope I would).

Perhaps I have a similar relationship with myself (that is, the complete lack thereof), because while I try to perfect things I am at times not satisfied with my own work.

BlueShift wrote:Rather I would continue working with them but revising/re-doing their work until it met my standard.

I'd do exactly that also, BlueShift - I would feel very bad openly shunning somebody. In the long run people are going to notice that you change their work and they might grow to dislike you though.


I'm a definite perfectionist of the extreme form. Last year at college I 'HAD TO' get 100% in my exams throughout the year. If I even got a 99% I would be unhappy. I have Asperger's Syndrome though - Two of it's symptoms are social ineptness and OCD / OCPD which both manifest in me to make me a loner and a perfectionist.


Kevin.

I'm not sure I'd call myself a perfectionist, but I am certainly very critical of everything I do, especially any social interaction I engage in. But I don't think I hold others to high standards. Since I strongly feel that I'm underachieving, I don't think I have the right to criticize others.

When I think of taking efforts to develop relationships, the first thing that comes to mind is the amount of time I'm going to have to put into building and maintaining them. I'm definitely weary of that. Knowing I'm probably going to be very anxious during my first steps towards forming friendships, I'm wondering if there is going to be any time left for things I can feel happy about. So that's going to be an obstacle to efforts to improve my situation.

I have to add that I'm a selective perfectionist though. I didn't particulary care for school, one of the reasons I dropped out. I found most of the subjects to boring, too easy, too hard or simply irrelevant. Surprisingly enough, I never really feared examns as much as getting late or making an ass of myself in front of others. I even walked out of examns because they where a waste of time. And I wouldn't have to get nervous awaiting the results, I usually failed.

I paint a lot (digitally) and I've learned that perfection isn't everything. Some things have to be 'less than perfect' to look natural. So I try to constrain myself. That's my motto when painting really, "imperfection makes perfect".

I will admit to holding people to perfectionistic standards in professional life, but I don't think I do it in personal life. I have quit a would-be friend after observing them gossiping or mocking another person out. But I don't think I have rejected anyone personally based on ordinary flaws. Since I have fear of the same, I think empathy prevents me from doing so.

WG, thanks for the insight. You've given me some timely food for thought.

I have a friend that I've had for a few years now. I am noticing myself putting some distance between us at the moment; conveniently extra more work is allowing me to do so. But the real reason is that, after a period of time not seeing her and hanging around someone I would consider healthier, I've realized that there were some character traits she holds that I have previously ignored, but now I seem to have developed intolerance for.

I'm not sure if this is perfectionistic rejection, or whether we are simply growing apart. She has pretty strong dependency issues, which in my absence seemed to have grown exponentially, and that has freaked me out a little. I am certainly not ready to cut off the friendship. But I do feel like distance is needed at this time. I find that I am no longer tolerant for her constant request for affirmation and attention. I've realized that when we hang out, the time is 80% about her and 20% about me. I guess it's taken some time for me to realize that it pisses me off. I'm not sure how to negotiate this glitch in our friendship.

So, I guess I am trying to figure out how much of my recent intolerance is due to perfectionist thinking.