hard to ask for help?

I have been reading threads here for a while and have never posted before now. I felt like "What's the point of posting? I have nothing worthwhile to contribute. What is anyone going to get out of reading some junk I wrote?" Another hesitation for me is that I don't want to get stuck in front of my computer for an hour while I deliberate over exactly how to write what I have to say and edit it fifteen times. What got me over my reluctance is that lately I am trying to do things that are uncomfortable for me but have not been having much success. So I decided to set the bar a little lower and speak online in writing anonymously. My ultimate goal is to be able to speak out loud in person.

There are so many threads I could have responded to . . . many issues I can relate to. I am letting myself out of the decision of which to respond to right now by starting a new thread.

I have been seeing a therapist for two years and have had much difficulty speaking to her. After starting Wellbutrin and Zoloft recently I have actually been able to articulate a couple of issues. She has been really patient with me.

Anyway, one of these issues is that I have a hard time asking people for help. This even extends to situations where I would pay someone to help me. For example, asking a contractor to fix my gutter and pay him/her for it. Maybe it is simply a problem of not liking to initiate social contact. Or maybe there is something about the need, dependence, vulnerability part of it. I am an adult child of alcoholic. Maybe other ACAs experience this?

I wish I could contribute with some genuine advice, but all I can really say is that I know what its like to go through those same issues. Online I've been fortunate to be able to initiate and participate in discussions, probably because I'm able to disconnect personally from my online representation.

In real life though initiating conversations for me is nearly impossible. It's to the point now that I can barely talk to my own family. They have been helping me out with several of my major responsibilities, which is all that's keeping my head above water.

At any rate, I'm glad the medication is helping to a certain extent if you're now capable of opening up a bit more than before.

Hello Mousey. I am not avoidant but I always feel some anxiety when making a telephone call, like if I want to book an appointment with the hairdresser, it always feels awkward. I think many people have social anxiety to some degree, we just don't typically see them because they are quiet.

I found it interesting when I moved to the UK and went to the local Job Centre, because the other clients at the Job Centre were all very shy people, the type you don't normally see. It reminded me that shy people are all around us.

Welcome!

Or maybe there is something about the need, dependence, vulnerability part of it. I am an adult child of alcoholic. Maybe other ACAs experience this?

Yep. Asking for help - asking for any needs to be met, in fact - is very difficult for me, though it gets easier with practice. I think it's a common characteristic of ACAs. I guess some of us were sort of unintentionally (or intentionally, in some cases) groomed to believe we were worthless and didn't deserve anything good. My journey involves replacing that faulty thinking with believing I do deserve the best in life.

Thank you for sharing, it helps us all.

Welcome Mousey Brown

I do that as well, weighing each and every word, fretting over how to construct each sentence, making sure that there's no misunderstanding possible. It usually takes me a very long time to compose a message. Sometimes I think, as you do, that I'm wasting my time, but then I remember that practice makes perfect. Or rather, if you try often enough to just hit that button before you have composed the absolutely perfect and impeccable message you want to write, then you'll learn that not everything you say or write has to be completely and utterly incorrigible to be of value. So just keep on trying.

And asking for help is a problem for me too. Basically, I've been having trouble at college because I fail to ask people for help. There's not an alcoholic in sight in my family, so this problem is not exclusive to ACAs. For me, it's mostly the initiation of social interaction that poses the difficulty. I'm not too proud or too ashamed of my incompetence (if I even have any) to do it, but I just think I'm imposing when I ask someone for help.

There, wrote a not very short message in less than 15 minutes. It can get better if you don't demand perfection of yourself.

Hi Mousey Brown, I'm an ACA although in my case the A is for addits instead of alcoholics. I've always had trouble asking for help. I still have major problems with it, and it's in all areas of my life. I know a lot of it comes from when I was growing up lying about what was going on, pretending that everything was alright, etc. In a sense I was raised to believe that nobody could ever help me, all people are selfsih and out to get me, etc. Kind of like asking for help equals vulnerablility. Even now if I'm in serious trouble I hate asking for help. I'm doing my best to get over it but with a way of thinking one way for so long it's hard. I just hate in the past when I was really having trouble doing a project at school or work or something, and always said everything was fine when it really wasn't, in the end it came out terrible and I was totally embarassed. Just asking for a little help would have made it turn out ok. These are experiences that have taught me to change my way of thinking.

Even when I used to see a therapist I would always lie and say everything was fine when it really wasn't. I also have a hard time calling to make appointments and stuff, even for doctors. I think part of it is the social contact part, but also I fear I sound like an idiot trying to explain the simplest things.

I also feel at times like there's really no reason I should even be writing. Like nothing I say is right or makes a difference anyway. I've been able to write online for awhile now and it gets easier with time. I'm still not at the point where I could speak out loud about things that I can write so easily about on the net. It's also my goal to be able to speak out loud but it's more difficult than I imagined.

Mousey Brown wrote:I have been reading threads here for a while and have never posted before now. I felt like "What's the point of posting? I have nothing worthwhile to contribute. What is anyone going to get out of reading some junk I wrote?" Another hesitation for me is that I don't want to get stuck in front of my computer for an hour while I deliberate over exactly how to write what I have to say and edit it fifteen times.

[...]

I have exactly the same problem. Usually don't post because I have nothing substantial to contribute, and when I do its because I'm, at times, impulsive. Most of the time I regret posting it later and/or end up editing it like 10 times. Sometimes I edit it so many times that I only create errors.
This is what I learned to do: just type the message, read over it once, post it and never look over it again. Just quickly scroll over it when you check for replies.

I don't think I've ever asked anyone but my parents/brothers (though never about personal issues) ever for help. Especially not teachers. I'm not sure why, but I think its because of fear of saying something stupid (not getting the message across, or that the answer is something I should already know) or don't want waste that person's time.

I've had a few times that I was offered help (by a school councellor) but I said I was ok and didn't need it, while internally I was just begging for it. One time a teacher actually made an appointment with another councellor for me, but I didn't go. I would never miss an appointment, but I didn't know this councellor (and she didn't know me) so I thought it wouldn't hurt anyone. Never heared anything about it again.

I think if someone recognises someone like us needs help, he/she shouldn't ask if that person needs it, just don't offer a way out of it.
How do therapists deal with this (never had one)?

Welcome Mousey Brown!

I have a terrible time with two things in particular. I don't think I have anything to contribute of any good and I have a terrible time asking for help.

Both are incredibly difficult for me to do. Those are two things I have not been able to overcome.

Sweetngentle

BlueShift wrote:I think if someone recognises someone like us needs help, he/she shouldn't ask if that person needs it, just don't offer a way out of it.
How do therapists deal with this (never had one)?

Well, the problem is, you can't be forced to undergo treatment (unless you're deemed a danger to yourself or society). So if you miss your appointments with a therapist, (s)he can charge you for his/her wasted time, but (s)he has no authority to force you to show up. It's a legal thing. You are a free person and if you choose not to keep your appointments for whatever reason, there's nothing your therapist can do about it. You have to go of your own volition.

Gentleman Geek wrote:Well, the problem is, you can't be forced to undergo treatment (unless you're deemed a danger to yourself or society).

Yes I know, but for most of us it is hard to to say "no", or at least can't talk our way out of things easily. That could be used to advantage without actually forcing anything. Then again, they'd need to be very familiar with this disorder...