Expectations/feeling overwhelmed

Do you guys also have problems with expectations? I can perceive expectations/unspoked demands and needs from everyone and their dog, which is often overwhelming and causes anxiety. One reason for withdrawal. Apart from that, I often have the feeling that I have to fulfill their expectations. If I don't, there will be guilt. Does this ring a bell for anyone?

The whole thing came up because I had an interview for an internal position on Tuesday and was called into the Director's office for a couple of more questions. It actually was very positive, in that she explained the job in more detail and seemed to want me for the position (final decision today). But I only felt anxious/pressured because of all the expectations she had. It felt like entering a prison, rather than changing jobs, like signing my soul away. I had the feeling in order to deserve the opportunity I would have to work at least a year or it would be unfair to the boss or a betrayal of her trust. (That's apart from earlier incompetency fears.) I know this is really freaked out to feel that way.

In the afternoon I talked to my sister (our own type of therapy) and it occurred to me that if I had expectations myself, I would not feel so overwhelmed by the expectations of others. It would keep my interests and those of the world in a kind of balance. Like magnets that repel each other (maybe not a good image). It, for example never occurred to me, to go into a job interview with expectations towards the job or employer. I only felt, I had to fulfill their needs, make them happy - so the pressure was high, as was anxiety. So I will practice that for the next little bit, having expectations to life/the world/every single person I meet.

Dragonfly.

Dragonfly wrote:Do you guys also have problems with expectations? I can perceive expectations/unspoked demands and needs from everyone and their dog, which is often overwhelming and causes anxiety. One reason for withdrawal. Apart from that, I often have the feeling that I have to fulfill their expectations. If I don't, there will be guilt. Does this ring a bell for anyone?

Oh yeah, I'm a pro at guilt. I have ended friendships with needy, demanding people, mostly because I couldn't handle the guilt I'd feel for saying no or setting boundaries. I'd feel so horrible about myself because I couldn't meet their (unrealistic) expectations, so I'd withdraw.

This all stems from low self-esteem for me, where I don't believe I deserve anything good, and I certainly don't deserve to have any expectations; I should just be happy with whatever scrapings are left. This is classic adult children of alcoholic stuff, because I grew up not getting many of my needs met and not getting the attention I required.

In the afternoon I talked to my sister (our own type of therapy) and it occurred to me that if I had expectations myself, I would not feel so overwhelmed by the expectations of others. It would keep my interests and those of the world in a kind of balance. Like magnets that repel each other (maybe not a good image). It, for example never occurred to me, to go into a job interview with expectations towards the job or employer. I only felt, I had to fulfill their needs, make them happy - so the pressure was high, as was anxiety. So I will practice that for the next little bit, having expectations to life/the world/every single person I meet.

Dragonfly.

That's a great change of perspective! So, it sounds like you guys are practicing your own CBT, cool. I know whenever I have gone into a job interview, I have always gone in with a deprived mindset, where all the chips were on the employers side and I felt lucky enough to be hired that I didn't feel I deserved any expectations. I could have negotiated vacation time, pay, etc (like I discovered other people had done).

Thanks for the insight!

in dbt they present "the onion" that explains how/why problem behaviors occur in people with personality disorders (well it's mostly just like this but i may be a little off. hopefully it makes sense):

wants/needs --> unrealistic expectations --> needs/wants not met --> hurt feelings/rejection --> anger/fear/depression/anxiety --> impulsive or irrational behaviors (like having an emotional explosion or completely shutting down and becoming avoidant)

in order to recover from personality disorders and stop behaviors that are ultimately harmful, you have to "peel back the layers". always ask yourself questions like: why am i doing this (insert dysfunctional behavior here)? what exactly is it that i am feeling that is making me do this? why am i feeling this way? were my expecatations realistic or unrealistic? what is it that i really need/want? is this problem behavior really helping me get what i need/want?

i find that a lot of my hurt feelings and disappointments with other people and my relationships with them are a result of very unrealistic expecations that i have. a lot of my expectations have become like really rigid moral standards that i hold everyone else, and myself, responsible for. i expect WAY too much. most of it is just based on fantasy: some idea that i could/should be perfect, and everyone around me could/should be perfect, and everything could/should be perfect. unfortunately none of that ever happens. i let myself down constantly: hence the feelings and fears of incompetancy. and people around me constantly let me down and hurt me: hence the fear and distrust i have of people in general. and all of that stuff just builds a barrier around me that seems to be growing more and more every day.

i shut everyone out because none of it is good enough. even if they do want to be close to me and know how i feel. and i shut myself down, refusing to try anything or do anything because i am terrified of failing and making a complete fool out of myself. and now i can't be close to anyone even though i want it more than anything in the world: i have just built so many walls out of unrealistic expectations and hurt feelings.

sorry for rambling. i needed to get that stuff out. i have been thinking about it a lot this morning.

erin

Expectations have proven to be a downfall of mine but in a different way. I have these unspoken expectations of others that always nails me. Well at least it used to. From therapy I learned to lower my expectations of others. Then if they didn't come through I didn't experience a terrible crunch .

Sweetngentle

Yes, I have a problem with expectations of others. When I tried to be more outgoing and develop friendships, I found that I began to have expectations of how I would be treated in return. I still don't think my expectations were unreasonable, but when they weren't met, I kept lowering my expectations and withdrawing. Maybe some would have yelled at other people for being rude, but I always saw that as self-defeating -- that it would not get me the treatment I wanted -- but then neither did the withdrawal.

From a job perspective, I've experienced what youre talking about in a severe way. It happened when I used to freelance. Naturally, they want the most out of you. When I first started, I felt EXTREMELY guilty for not getting every single last drop of work done everyday. Id come in at 10am and leave at 11pm, for the fear of not pleasing, or not being good enough. I worked at a feverish rate, sometimes overlooking details. Id set mini deadlines too short and promised too much work. I ended up even pissing off a certain director a couple times for not working upto my word. I was too grateful of my hire. Some of the people Ive worked with actually were good sports and kind of pulled me aside knowing I was new at it, and told me to chill out.

It took me awhile to learn that I need to run at my own speed and that meeting unrealistic expectations would just make my productivity(and health) tank. I had to be reminded by a close co worker that THEYRE the one thats grateful for having me. THEY should be happy to compensate me for my services. THEY should have trust in my own work routine since that what they hired me for. This guy actually is a fulltimer at the company, and he's convinced me that I should be the one milking everything theyre worth. Its just business, nothing personal. So I started to set my own schedule, of 10am to 7pm. I'd set realistic goals everyday padded with extra time to take a few breaks and brainstorm time. I also upped my daily compensation to something more in the big leagues.

Well, after working for there for awhile, I was able to gain their respect for providing steady and predictable service as well as the occasional "save their ass" late nights. They were able to gain MY respect for seeing how they run their business.

It all seemed kind of arrogant at first, but now I realize this is a pretty good model of what life assertiveness is all about. (Im still trying to get it ingrained into myself)

trence wrote: Oh yeah, I'm a pro at guilt. I have ended friendships with needy, demanding people, mostly because I couldn't handle the guilt I'd feel for saying no or setting boundaries. I'd feel so horrible about myself because I couldn't meet their (unrealistic) expectations, so I'd withdraw.

I have done the same thing. Especially with friends who give a lot, like presents or parties etc. I know it is supposed to be reciprocal and the pressure just killed me, so I cut them off.

trence wrote:This all stems from low self-esteem for me, where I don't believe I deserve anything good, and I certainly don't deserve to have any expectations; I should just be happy with whatever scrapings are left. This is classic adult children of alcoholic stuff, because I grew up not getting many of my needs met and not getting the attention I required.

I think, you right about it stemming from low self-esteem. My parents were not alcoholic, but we never felt we had a right to ask, but should be happy and grateful for what we were given.

trence wrote: So, it sounds like you guys are practicing your own CBT, cool.

Yes, I guess you could say that. Having expectations is , so to say, my homework. And I did it yesterday and I felt it working a little bit.

And then came the hook. I knew expecting things from others would risk disappointment and failure, but it did something else. Expecting things also increased my own expectations of myself (or my awareness thereof), in the way the others here described. And I am also terrified of failing like sobri said, or more correctly I hate myself for failing.

So I think, part of the CBT should include allowing yourself to fail and learn and forgive yourself for failing, too. Difficult, but I'll take the challenge. I have already started to allow for errors in others a while ago (my work environment is quite healthy peoplewise), but that can only go so far without changing how I treat myself.

And you are right, sweetngentle, the expectations are often unrealistic, like knowing how to do something without actually having learnt it. LOL.

Skog wrote: ...I kept lowering my expectations and withdrawing. Maybe some would have yelled at other people for being rude, but I always saw that as self-defeating -- that it would not get me the treatment I wanted -- but then neither did the withdrawal.

That's exactly it. Withdrawal and lowering expectations to the point where I had close to none, made it worse, at least not better. At least, I am at the point, where I rather have conflict then isolation and/or being overwhelmed. Just conflict resolution, the emotional part of it, that's kind of hard.

slatey wrote: From a job perspective, I've experienced what youre talking about in a severe way. It happened when I used to freelance. Naturally, they want the most out of you. When I first started, I felt EXTREMELY guilty for not getting every single last drop of work done everyday. Id come in at 10am and leave at 11pm, for the fear of not pleasing, or not being good enough. I worked at a feverish rate, sometimes overlooking details. Id set mini deadlines too short and promised too much work. I ended up even pissing off a certain director a couple times for not working upto my word. I was too grateful of my hire. Some of the people Ive worked with actually were good sports and kind of pulled me aside knowing I was new at it, and told me to chill out.

I can so see that happening. Horrible. And like you said, instead of pleasing anyone, you might actually end up pissing people off because you raise their expectations by promising so much and doing so much.

slatey wrote: Well, after working for there for awhile, I was able to gain their respect for providing steady and predictable service as well as the occasional "save their ass" late nights. They were able to gain MY respect for seeing how they run their business.

It is good to know that you made it, that it is possible to turn this thing around. Will try to put up with the arrogant feeling to get the assertiveness going on.

Thanks for all your insightful comments.

Cheers,

Dragonfly

Dragonfly wrote:Withdrawal and lowering expectations to the point where I had close to none, made it worse, at least not better. At least, I am at the point, where I rather have conflict then isolation and/or being overwhelmed.

Sometimes when children want attention, they will engage in bad behavior to get negative attention, because if you can't get positive attention, negative attention is perceived as better than no attention. I think some adults behave that way, too. I haven't been able to bring myself to behave that way, but I see some people who make a lot of noise and complain when they don't get what they want and I've seen people give in to that behavior, although frequently begrudgingly. Which is better? Lowering expectations and not getting what you really want, or superficially getting the result you want, but accompanied by resentment, rather than good intentions by other people?

Skog wrote:Which is better? Lowering expectations and not getting what you really want, or superficially getting the result you want, but accompanied by resentment, rather than good intentions by other people?

i think it depends on what the expectations are. if they are reasonable/rational/realistic then you should be/can be able to get them in some way (although the reality is that we will not always get what we want even if we think it is reasonable. that is something that has to be dealt with too). but if they are unrealistic you have to either lower them or change them. or else you will end up "acting out" or "acting in" and using superficial things that only cause more problems in the end. it isn't necessary to use problem behavior to get attention either like a child does. we are adults now and we can learn to get attention in positive ways.

erin

Skog wrote:Sometimes when children want attention, they will engage in bad behavior to get negative attention, because if you can't get positive attention, negative attention is perceived as better than no attention. I think some adults behave that way, too. I haven't been able to bring myself to behave that way, but I see some people who make a lot of noise and complain when they don't get what they want and I've seen people give in to that behavior, although frequently begrudgingly. Which is better? Lowering expectations and not getting what you really want, or superficially getting the result you want, but accompanied by resentment, rather than good intentions by other people?

I think, these are not the only ways, acting out like a child or lowering expectations to the extreme (false dichotomy). Childish acting out is very manipulative and a sign of helplessness, in my opinion. I very much try not to behave like this, especially since it would result in people treating me like a child. As adults, we can assert ourselves without aggression and tantrums.

Lowering expectations or keeping them low is not acceptable either. I think, part of the various answers in this thread are because of various understandings/definitions of what it means to expect something. Expecting things, for me, is based on feeling that I am worthy of receiving them. I just want to raise my expectations to a normal level, so that I know longer feel guilty for asking or overly grateful for receiving what is my due. Of course, expecting this, is no guarantee for actually getting it.

Dragonfly.