Embarrassing moment/pleasing others

First off, I am not sure, if this incident resulted from avoidant issues or dependent issues, but it surely threw me.

As background, I have been taking singing lessons with the same teacher for a couple of years, something that I have always wanted to do. So that is good. However, she always tries to push me to do concerts, competitions etc. She thinks, I have talent, which is flattering. I already told her that I do not want to become a professional singer, because I have no desire for fame and I do not have the nerves to handle the stress. I even told her that I think, I have AvPD. Still, she keeps pushing, now mixed with understanding comments.

The other day, she had arranged for us to meet at her place for a lesson with a new accompanist. I was nervous, because I had not practised the songs and felt badly prepared. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy, I was horrible anxious during the 1 hr. I even refused to sing by myself and she had to sing along with me, which was completely inappropriate. I am no child, after all. The guy must have thought I am nuts or a freak. I even apologized for my very obvious anxiety, making it even worse. I felt so horrible afterwards and hated myself. One of the most embarrassing experiences in recent memory for me.

I realized recently, that I really only am singing these songs (her choice not mine) to please her. I have no interest in doing a concert (definitely not now) or singing these songs. The thing is, she wants to mentor me, make me into at least a semi-professional singer and I feel obligated to go along. After all, she does take an interest in me. I would feel guilty for disappointing her. And maybe, just maybe, she is right. But then again, maybe she is wrong, because I really do not want to sing this stuff. I have most fun, when singing in a small group, even performing is fun then. When alone, I need to be very comfortable with the music and songs in order to enjoy myself.

Sorry for the long post. I don't usually like to start a topic, because I feel that my problems are kind of less than some of the others here. Anyways, I would like to know your thoughts on this.

Dragonfly.

Dragonfly,
Please don't underestimate the worth of your issues. What you go through is important to you and to me too .

On the subject of your singing......I'm impressed!!! I've always wanted to sing...but all that ends up coming out of my mouth is cackling

Maybe in due time you can ease yourself into the role your instructor is wanting you to go. But, if you continue to find the experience too much, then back off and sing with others.

And remember...YOU are important

Sweetngentle

i'm sorry you had to go through something so embarrasing dragonfly. but i hope that experience won't set you back and think that you can't attempt to do something like that again.

are you really sure you wouldn't like it at all? or are you afraid that you may not be good enough? or that you will just be nervous and embarras yourself? in any case, if you are good at it, maybe you should just try it out for a while. it might help you get over some of your inhibitions and feel more confident about yourself. even if it isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life, just try it for the sake of trying something new.

::hugs::

i hope you are feeling better.

erin

sweetngentle wrote:Please don't underestimate the worth of your issues. What you go through is important to you and to me too

Thank you. Sometimes, it seems to me as if I blow things out of proportion.

sweetngentle wrote:Maybe in due time you can ease yourself into the role your instructor is wanting you to go. But, if you continue to find the experience too much, then back off and sing with others.

I would, but I am not sure, if I am still doing it for me, or if I am only doing it to please her. I should not do the latter, because it would be feeding my dependent problems. The fact that I feel guilty for not complying is worrisome. Plus, I am afraid of disappointing her, which should not be the case to the degree that you act against your own true feelings. This is what I really fear.

sweetngentle wrote:And remember...YOU are important

To sobriainebrietas:

sobriainebrietas wrote:i'm sorry you had to go through something so embarrasing dragonfly. but i hope that experience won't set you back and think that you can't attempt to do something like that again.

Luckily, I have already performed successfully in concernts with accompanists, so I know I can do it. However, I am only comfortable when very well prepared. I cannot allow my teacher to push me as that will end up in unpleasant experiences.

sobriainebrietas wrote:are you really sure you wouldn't like it at all? or are you afraid that you may not be good enough? or that you will just be nervous and embarras yourself? in any case, if you are good at it, maybe you should just try it out for a while. it might help you get over some of your inhibitions and feel more confident about yourself. even if it isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life, just try it for the sake of trying something new.

If I like a performance or a singing experience, depends on many things. I will only relax, when I am very well prepared and comfortable with the other person (that plays the piano). That was not the case here. And yes, singing does usually contribute to my confidence and I won't give it up, but I think, I have to decide about the direction. Just because my teacher wants me to become a classical singer, does not mean, I want to.

Thanks for caring.

Dragonfly.

I don't have any wisdom to impart (not that I usually do, lol!) but your story reminded me of a Canadian singer, Rita MacNeil. She wrote an autobiography ("On a Personal Note") that told the story of her intense shyness and how difficult it was/is to perform in front of people, and I think she fought against this her whole life. You might want to check it out at the libary, it might help somehow. (I haven't read it, but it would be interesting...)

Dragonfly, I'm impressed. I would never be able to sing in front of anyone, or speak publicy, etc. anything that brings attention to myself. You are right, just because your teacher wants you to do something doesn't mean you have to. Only YOU can decide if YOU really want to do it or if you're doing it to please your teacher. I used to try to do things to please others and almost always ended up screwing up and embarassing myself even more since I wasn't really doing it for ME.

You got it APD_Guy. It is like that for me, I need to want to do it to make it work.

BTW, I am feeling better today. Yesterday I went back for another lesson and my teacher backed off. We sang things that I chose and she was fine with that. She also did not skip a beat when I announced I wished to take a "holiday" in the end of August. So that worked out well in the end. That's why I stay with her. She pushes my buttons and then she backs off - almost like AvPD training.

Dragonfly.

...I couldn't resist this thread. I just graduated college with a major in music... and was one of 2 music majors to NOT do a senior recital. I can't even do short solos anymore. All those people staring at me, listening to me, analyzing my every note, criticizing every little breath I take... no way. No freaking WAY.

I played lead trombone in the jazz ensemble for a few years... but was never entirely the top banana because I refused to/ could not improvise. A couple years ago, I asked my teacher to help me with my improv skills... and after a few months, we both realized that I had no real desire to actually learn this stuff. I just wanted to be able to improv so I didn't embarrass myself in front of the overall-insanely-talented jazz ensemble. And that really wasn't a good reason to learn a new skill.

My teacher also pushed me to do a small student recital performance in lieu of a senior recital... but unlike your teacher, Dragonfly, he dropped it after he saw how freaked out I got.

Moral of the story? There is none. But I can relate.

Dragonfly wrote:.... After all, she does take an interest in me. I would feel guilty for disappointing her.

If she really cares for you she will respect you and your wishes. And if she cares, she will not concerned with you disappointing her, but rather with finding out what is best for you.

... I don't usually like to start a topic, because I feel that my problems are kind of less than some of the others here.

I have that too, is it perhaps related to this AvPD thing?

drifting wrote:

Dragonfly wrote: I don't usually like to start a topic, because I feel that my problems are kind of less than some of the others here.

I have that too, is it perhaps related to this AvPD thing?

I think, it relates to low self-esteem, which is an AvPD symptom.

Regarding my teacher, I think she took the hint and we are currently doing theory, which I enjoy. I have even started singing again voluntarily, which is a good sign.

Dragonfly