Someone I've met online

There is this other internet forum I'm active on, about a subject not directly related to AvPD. I've been participating there for a few months now and during that time I've developed a strong interest in one of the posters. He's not a very active poster (though compared to me, he is), but whatever he writes, I read. And I like what I read: often he's joking around, but occasionally he lets through some of his thoughts. In those messages, he comes across as a very thoughtful, interesting yet modest person. In short, I like him, a lot.

So much so that I'm wondering: Is this a crush of sorts, or am I so desperate for contact that I become weak-kneed when one person just responds to my messages more than others? I was strongly suspecting the latter and the interest subsided a bit after that. But recently I found my interest returning even without any recent interaction with him. So, what do you think: Is it possible to fall in love with someone you've never met in person, of whom you don't even know what he looks like or even what his real name is and whose character you really don't know that well beyond a few short messages about one specific subject?

In any case, I'd like to meet this person in real life and here is where the relevance to AvPD comes in. I'm unsure how to handle this. My first concern is that as little as I've seen from him, the reverse is even more true. I don't post very frequently, and what I do post there I find lacks meaningful content 9 out of 10 times. So maybe it's too early to approach him personally. Maybe I should allow him to get to know me better through the forum before approaching him privately. What are your thoughts on this?

If and when I do decide to contact him, there's the question of how. The first thing that comes into my mind when thinking about this, is a typical Avoidant reaction: fear of rejection. There's also the fear that if he does agree to meet me, I'll be very quiet and boring.

Crushes are cute.

Online stuff is strange though. I think it's entirely possible to develop a crush on someone online, maybe even falling in love. Why not?

I would probably try to develop some sort of rapport with the person before I tried to meet them. You don't want to freak them out. I have had people online that I never even dialogued with contact me and ask to meet up, and it freaked me out. I'm pretty cautious though. I'd only want to meet someone if I talked to them for a while first.

Another option, depending on what sort of community this is, is to organize some kind of get-together for members in your area. People usually are more comfortable meeting online strangers in a group setting, at least I am. Not that I do that very much, but I have, once or twice.

You could start replying to his messages by putting a bit more of yourself into them - so he will get a glimpse of who you are. Get noticed.

Keep in mind that any advice you get here will most likely have an avoidant flavor, lol. Good luck!

I have to keep it deliberately vague or my CIA contact will have me term... Err, I meant to say the people on that forum are paranoid due to the particular subject it deals with, and justifiably so. So he and the others there will probably be even more weary of meeting an unknown poster than you are.

They did have a group get-together recently, but I didn't dare ask if I could come, because I am relatively new there and just assumed that they don't trust me yet.

I'm afraid I will go unnoticed in a group setting anyway. Usually in groups, if I even mingle, I just listen to conversations others are having, smile, laugh when appropriate, and only talk when spoken to.

Yes, I do realize that the advice I get here may be a bit coloured by avoidance, but on the other hand I think advice a non-avoidant would give may be more difficult for me to follow.

Gentleman Geek wrote:I'm afraid I will go unnoticed in a group setting anyway. Usually in groups, if I even mingle, I just listen to conversations others are having, smile, laugh when appropriate, and only talk when spoken to.

I'm pretty much the same in groups. This is why I prefer, if there is a group gathering, there to be some sort of common activity, like board games, etc, rather than just sitting around. Then there is something to talk about (the game), and I feel less self-conscious, because people are busy trying to win. This way, you can gauge if the person you like is checking you out, and you can flirt back!

Meeting one on one is possible, but as I said before, I think you'd have to build up some rapport slowly first, prove you can be trusted etc.

Gentleman Geek wrote:Usually in groups, if I even mingle, I just listen to conversations others are having, smile, laugh when appropriate, and only talk when spoken to.

This is off-point to your initial post, but like you and trence, I react similarly to groups. I have a better chance in a one-on-one situation.

I don't have any experience with trying to meet in person with anyone encountered online. You may find it easier to cultivate a relationship online for awhile, where you are more in control and can feel more comfortable in your communications, before you consider a face-to-face meeting. If you have reached a point where you feel comfortable with revealing personal information to someone, maybe talking on the phone is a good intermediate step before actually meeting. Whatever, you do, good luck.

I met a guy online like 4 years ago and we've talked daily since. We're pretty much as close as you can get online. He's mentioned meeting like 1000 times but I just can't bring myself to do it! So now he's given up on me and we're drifting apart. I think we could have been really close friends. My advice, if you think that you could end up really caring about this person try your hardest to go, don't avoid it like me (hard to follow I know!)

Thank you all for your input. I agree that it's probably best to take some more time and effort to develop the relationship online, seeing as we have none to speak of right now. So far, this is just a one-sided infatuation.

The thing is, I want to do the opposite of what ciaolavida did (sorry you're giving yourself such a hard time). I have 16 years with no friends of any kind to make up for, so I want to do something now! I'm in a hurry because I'm becoming ever more depressed about my near isolation. But rushing things will probably freak this guy out. So I'll stick with the slow and steady approach for now.

[quote="Gentleman Geek"] I have 16 years with no friends of any kind to make up for, so I want to do something now! quote]

i was in a similar mindset about someone....but then i realised i was wrong about him, and it was a really bad situation, because i ended being.....well, almost stalked, to be honest.....it was awful, especially for someone like me because i am already an incredibly paranoid person and being given an actual reason to be constantly looking over my shoulder was just more than i could take.....

i know you said you will take it slow, but i'm going to say it anyway......be really sure about this person before you even give out your phone number or anything.....think it through.....talk online or something......just make completely sure this guy is who he seems to be and that he is who you want to meet....

Thanks for the warning, Nina. Considering the situation, I think it's more likely (but not very likely) that I'll end up stalking him than the other way around. But I'm sure you were similarly confident about the guy you met, so I'll remember to be careful.

Here's a tip for you GG... do a background check on him using his name and city. If you are willing to meet him, there's no reason he should deny you his full name (if you don't already know it) if he has nothing to hide. It's a common-sense approach, and it would be smart so that you don't end up in a (nina)-like situation. Intelius.com is one I've used in the past, if you need a suggestion.

I am not AvPD, but I'd still be nervous about meeting him. It's just that I'd be nervous about meeting someone who cannot be trusted. This might make you feel more confidant although I think you're just scared he won't like you. He should be afraid that YOU won't like HIM!