After 33 years I've finally figured myself out

Just out of curiosity, I did an online personality disorder quiz the other day, and the results were heavily skewed towards APD. I must say I was not entirely surprised. I've always known that I prefer not to be around other people, but that just quiz result clinched it for me.

I did some Googling and ended up at this site. I've been reading forum posts for hours and can't believe how much I can identify with everyone here. I'm obsessed with movies (fantasy life), I tend to dwell in the past a lot (I surround myself with movies, TV shows and music from my childhood), I feel twinges of anxiety over embarrassing things I did years ago, I get tense in public places, I work in retail but hate it, I'd rather spend the rest of my life writing novels in a country cabin and only seeing my wife and maybe three or four members of my immediate family, I prefer to buy things online rather than go into stores ... the list goes on and on. I think it stems from my high school years or even earlier. I hung with a bunch of friends in school, but one by one they all rejected me because my mother was so harsh and abrasive. Nowadays, I close myself off whenever I meet new people. I don't [i]want [/i]to make new friends. I basically have no real friends apart from a couple of guys I only email, and that's the way I like it and want to keep it.

Anyway, the purpose of this post was just to say hi, so ... hi! It's nice to know I'm not alone.

PS: I'm thinking about buying Martin Kantor's book "Distancing." Can anyone recommend this book?

Indigo73 wrote: I work in retail but hate it,

hehe me too, it's really not suited to people like me......but i fake my way through it somehow......

oh and i have that book....it's interesting, and i don't regret buying it, but to be honest i found some of it really hard to understand (although that may be just because i'm not intelligent enough to be reading these kinds of books....) and there are parts that seem kind of.....not all that related to avpd.......but i still kind of like it, and it's one of the only avpd books i know of.......

I might order the book from Amazon. I've always been relentlessly introspective so it'll hopefully give me even more insight into myself than what I've already read on the web.

In your job, when customers walk in the door, do you wince and think to yourself, "Oh, p*** off."? I do, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

Indigo73 wrote:In your job, when customers walk in the door, do you wince and think to yourself, "Oh, p*** off."? I do, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

yeah always....sometimes i just pretend to be on the phone....it's kind of fun thinking of what would be a good conversation to have with myself

Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:05 am Post subject: After 33 years I've finally figured myself out

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I've pasted the previous member's comments as I wish to show that their problems are experienced by most AvPDs

Just out of curiosity, I did an online personality disorder quiz the other day, and the results were heavily skewed towards APD. I must say I was not entirely surprised. I've always known that I prefer not to be around other people, but that just quiz result clinched it for me.

I did some Googling and ended up at this site. I've been reading forum posts for hours and can't believe how much I can identify with everyone here. I'm obsessed with movies (fantasy life),

[i][b]Fantasy films and other types of films are, of course, from an 'unreal, fantasy world. they are 'pretend' and therefore cannot harm us - that's why you like them.[/i][/b]
I tend to dwell in the past a lot
[/b]Yes that's true: I do to. I'm always being criticied for it, but do it nonetheless.[/b]

(I surround myself with movies, TV shows and music from my childhood), I feel twinges of anxiety over embarrassing things I did years ago,
([b]Really - so do I - for ever "Ttutting to myself and saying things like "I don't believe I did that" etc.[/b][/b]

the rest of my life writing novels in a country cabin and only seeing my wife and maybe three or four members of my immediate family,
[b]That sounds a excellent way to spend your life - I looked to be a lighthouse keeper, but they don't have them anymore.[/b]

I prefer to buy things online rather than go into stores [b]... Yes Yes -[/b] [b]so do I....[/b]
the list goes on and on. I think it stems from my high school years or even earlier. I hung with a bunch of friends in school, but one by one they all rejected me because my mother was so harsh and abrasive.
[b](My mother too. Do we have to blame our parents then for our condition?..Probably.)[/b]
Nowadays, I close myself off whenever I meet new people. I don't [i]want [/i]to make new friends. I basically have no real friends ..

[b](Yes again..that's about the score with AvPD)...[/b]
apart from a couple of guys I only email, and that's the way I like it and want to keep it.

Anyway, the purpose of this post was just to say hi, so ... hi! It's nice to know I'm not alone.

PS: I'm thinking about buying Martin Kantor's book "Distancing." Can anyone recommend this book?

[b] Unfortunately any book on the subject is just an interesting read...doesn't actually change anything...[/b]

regards :lol:

Indigo73 wrote:I feel twinges of anxiety over embarrassing things I did years ago

I've been wondering about those twinges. Similar to panic attacks, but more frequent, much shorter and without the feeling of drowning. No less intense though. I've been having them constantly for 20 years or so. Is there a name for this?

When there's nobody around, I relieve the pressure by repeating a long stream of curses or random nonsense words. In company, I hold my breath and wait until it's gone. Sometimes I'm unable to hold back and start talking to myself, which tends to earn me quite a few curious looks. Very embarrasing.

Does anyone recognize this?

Hello, Indigo73, and welcome

Yes, isn't it nice to find some people who know exactly how you feel?

Throwing in some useful and less useful comments:

Buying things online... I prefer it to, but avoidance is only third on the list of reasons: I do it because it's generally cheaper and costs less time. Lately, I try to make an effort to occasionally disregard that and just go out and browse some shops just to be among people.

I used to think I didn't need any friends. I was wrong and now I find that I have no clue how to make them. Each person is different, but I'd urge you to be very sure that you can handle a friendless life.

Those twinges of embarrassing memories, I've had them too. They used to affect me a great deal, but I've learned to remind myself that it's all water under the bridge, so no need to fuss about it.

I bought the book a while ago, but haven't started reading it yet, so no help there. Although... From some summaries and reviews I've read, it seems like Kantor has embarked on a personal quest to broaden the scope of AvPD to include people who have avoidant tendencies only with respect to specific situations, such as commitment. This means that, as nina points out, large parts of the book probably contain stuff that doesn't apply to us.

On the subject of 'friends'. Personally I have never had a friend since the age of about 11. (Now 60+). No problem with finding girlfriends but male friends - nil. It is quite possible to live without having any friends. You don't have a social life of any kind. You don't join 'mutual interest' clubs. You don't go to parties and the like. If I've missed out on life then it's been no bother - used to it.
The problem I've always had is with 'jobs' (careers). The fact that I have 4 professional qualifications (careers) + some experience in each tells me (and others) that there has always been a conflict between the necessity of having to work and having to be with people to do it.
Even trying to 'conduct a business' on the internet (where there is no personal contact) has proved difficult and has thrown up frequent inter-relational problems.
It's very unfortunate that so called 'psychology professionals' simply do not recognise or understand what AvPD is.
Been a bit of a miserable existance really, I suppose.
Nearly every medical condition that exists allows one to take some solace in one's friends/colleagues - but not with AvDP.
Tibby

Does anyone have issues with eye contact? Whenever I have a crush on a boy I can't look at him without getting all flushed and scared, and I have tyo avoid him until I don't like him anymore so he doesn't know how embarrassed I am -- or, even worse, figure out I have a crush on him. With anyone else, it's the same problem, but less excaberated.

A boy likes me a little bit at school, and now I'm going to have to figure out how to avoid him. It all makes me very sad, because I think he's cute too. I want to kiss his cute little face, but he's too short, and I don't see myself ever summoning up the courage.

Does anyone think it's difficult to do things on offtime? I could spend my life simply amusing myself, at home, all alone. I worry, however, that I am wasting my time. I want to find a way to avoid the introvert "recovery time".

...Emily, hon, getting nervous around potential mates (aka "crushes" or "this guy who totally likes me") is human nature. Avoidant people do it, sure, but perfectly normal and well-adjusted people do it too.

Why is introvert recovery time "wasted?" Maybe if you're lying around, y'know, staring at a wall... but if you read a book, draw a picture, take photographs, dance around your house, recalibrate temperature probes, learn car maintanance, or any number of useful activities... I don't see the time as "wasted." Is time only worth something when you're with other people?