avoidant or not?

Hi everyone-

I brought up avoidant personality to my therapist and she never really said if she thought I was or not. Then she left for the rest of the summer so... I'm wondering what you guys think.

I just don't like people. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't see anything in common with myself and others. I avoid the phone when it rings, I run the opposite direction from someone I know if I see them before they see my (even if I think they are an ok person) I don't really have any truly good relationships outside of with my family in which I still feel a little standofish. I'm 20 and I've never had a boyfriend. I have no close friends and even when I do have friends I avoid them for no reason. I don't really get it, it's just me I guess. My therapist says she thinks I'm very introverted and have social anxiety but it just seems like more than that. What do you all think? I need some help! I feel so unloved. Thanks.

ciaolavida wrote:I just don't like people. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't see anything in common with myself and others.

Ciao, Lavida
Avoidants like people, and want to be with people, but avoid them out of fear of rejection. Antisocial people and some other groups avoid people because they don't want to socialize. Your message doesn't seem to clearly disclose which group you are. Read some more about different personality disorders and see if one seems to describe you better than others.
Good luck

Thanks for replying skog.. hmm none of the others really seem like me. I just don't undertand what I avoid people so much. I mean, I hate the behaviors of many people but I'm still very compassionate, want love, want relationships, etc. I just don't have them and I don't understand why!! I just avoid everywhere. I guess that's why I thought maybe I was avoidant and then there woudl be a reason for my misery... but maybe not.

Hi
The 'symptons' you describe are very much part of the makeup of an AvPD. I've suffered these exact problems all my life. Social Anxiety is one of the problems assiciated with AvPD. Not wanting to mix or be with other people also. A fear of answering the 'phone or a knock on the door. Work presents an awful problem as the only 'job' that you feel confident with is one where other people are not present. (I suggest you look for an 0nline Internet based business where you'll never have to meet anyone: (ebay for example).
Boyfriends/girlfriends: it's meeting someone that presents the first hurdle isn't it? Where? (Since you don't go out). OK with family and old friends but strangers are near impossible.
You are not 'antisocial' as some therapists would think but 'none-social' - an entirley different set of problems.
As a rule I've found, therapists haven't got a clue about AvPD. They rarely come across it - if ever: so try and stick some other sort of label on it.
It's a hard cross to bear: but once you have an understanding that that's what you've got you will have to make adjustments to accomodate it in your life.
Unfortunately there is no 'cure' and neither is there any worthwhile treatment.
Confidence is, I bet, pretty low (if not non-existant). So stick to what you can do well and look to broaden your prospects via the internet.
You'll probably be able to meet someone similar to yourself via a [i]suitable[/i] site and it is possible to make a living via the internet.
As you begin to accept your 'difficulty' you'll learn to adapt things to suit yourself.
regards

ciaolavida wrote: I mean, I hate the behaviors of many people but I'm still very compassionate, want love, want relationships, etc. I just don't have them and I don't understand why!!

ciaolavida, I probably was misinterpreting your post. If you want to be with people, but feel unable to, or feel they don't want to be with you, maybe you are an avoidant.

There may not be anything recognized as a cure, but that doesn't mean you can't get better. You may always have worries that people are going to reject you, and have to fight the urge to withdraw, but you may be able to overcome that.

I believe that my avoidant problems are treatable. Perhaps not cured, as Skog said, but treatable. I think it will take a lot of practise, perseverance, pain and guidance to learn not to be avoidant.

I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD, but I have much of the symptoms, and it's affected my life very deeply. I personally believe that my AvPD symptoms are reactions to trauma I experienced as a kid and relived as an adult. I have had some treatment for that trauma and that has resulted in a very gradual improvement in avoidant behaviour.

If you have experienced trauma, this may also explain your behaviour and you should discuss treatment options with your therapist when she gets back. My family moved a lot when I was a kid and I internalized this as rejection - I shut myself off from and unhealthily attached myself to friends and was constantly torn away from them. There was alcoholism in my family so I internalized alcoholic behaviour as meaning I was unworthy of love and attention. I was bullied by peers and this affirmed my sense of being rejection personified. I withdrew and constructed a wall of behaviour that would ensure I never get hurt again. I have more than 20 years of avoidant behaviour to unlearn and replace with healthy behaviour and self-worth. Working through these issues are what help me.

I share my experience to perhaps help you discover the roots of your own behaviour. It's painful stuff but somewhere through the pain is freedom. Good luck with your journey.

tibby wrote:Boyfriends/girlfriends: it's meeting someone that presents the first hurdle isn't it? Where? (Since you don't go out). OK with family and old friends but strangers are near impossible.
You are not 'antisocial' as some therapists would think but 'none-social' - an entirley different set of problems.

This is SO TRUE! Especially recently, I just don't want to be around people at all. Well, it's not that I don't want to, I just can't. How do I get my therapist to understand?

tibby wrote:Confidence is, I bet, pretty low (if not non-existant). So stick to what you can do well and look to broaden your prospects via the internet.
You'll probably be able to meet someone similar to yourself via a suitable site and it is possible to make a living via the internet.
As you begin to accept your 'difficulty' you'll learn to adapt things to suit yourself.
regards

What if I don't want to live like this? I want to have real friends and a real social life, like a normal person And trence what you said about moving around a lot, I've been through 11 schools and I'm about to start at the next one. I'm so terrified, I just don't want to be around all those people. [/i]

Skog wrote:

ciaolavida wrote: I mean, I hate the behaviors of many people but I'm still very compassionate, want love, want relationships, etc. I just don't have them and I don't understand why!!

ciaolavida, I probably was misinterpreting your post. If you want to be with people, but feel unable to, or feel they don't want to be with you, maybe you are an avoidant.

There may not be anything recognized as a cure, but that doesn't mean you can't get better. You may always have worries that people are going to reject you, and have to fight the urge to withdraw, but you may be able to overcome that.

Hey hey hey.. now don't you start giving her/him this $#%^.
I've been anxiety free (abnormal anxiety free, ahem) for over 10 years, and how did i "recover"? I had to change my thought patterns. Wasn't simple, but I had the support of my understanding friends and family.

Now don't you tell anyone anxiety is inescapable (abnormal anxiety, i mean).