Unable to trust people and build relationships

Hi there

I come to visit these forums from time to time but this is the first time actually making a post of mine.

To keep it short, from what I've read around I could be considered a narcissist/schizoid but I wouldn't mind some more insight. I'm a loner.

I wear a mask that is pleasurable to others and lets me have a lot of alone-time for myself and my "activities". I've never been in a relationship with a girl, even though I would have liked to experience some romance with a girl. I always tried to make excuses for that, convincing myself that it's my lifestyle that isn't that interesting (I'm a loner and do not enjoy what ordinary guys/gals enjoy doing, like hanging out and gettin drunk or stuff like that) or that perhaps I'm not that handsome when in truth I really never tried. "If I never tried, then that must be the reason so there is hope if I try" That was what I thought....

Recently I transferred to a new apartament (I'm attending my last years of university) and I'm living with 1 guy and 2 other girls (mother & daughter); the daugther is currently working but she's sociable and talks to me a lot. I wasn't used to it, since my conversations with girls were limited to greetings and very quick formal questions; we talked about kinda everything, from politics to philosophy and she's very gentle. We know each other since a week but she's already quite "active" and comes to vist me in my room to talk quite often. This morning, seeing me going to uni without even having breakfast, she offered me some food and I thanked her for that... but what I started thinking afterwards made me stop and think. This is what I thought

"Oh, finally I found some girl I can talk to and that doesn't seem retarded. Perhaps it could be a nice experience, she even game me... food? How caring... Why would she care that much to give me some breakfast after just 1 week? What if it's poisoned? Can I trust her? Also, what if she's interested in me just because I appear to be wealthy? Afterall she's not attending university because she hasn't got much money and so she got to work. Or maybe she's just venting all her female $#%^ on me, because "women have to talk"."

It's not that girls find me unattractive, it's not that I'm that boring and it's not even because I didn't try, because even if it's the girl who starts engaging me, it's ME who holds back. Now rationally thinking and reflecting upon it, the chances that this girl is trying to poison me or that she's interested in my money is really close to 0. Just what the ###$ is wrong with me? What the hell is kicking all these thoughts in my head? Why do I start thinking in such manner and why do I start to get evil towards people, acting like they are deceiving me... I don't usually care for people because I spend most of my time alone and do not involve them in my life. But this time I'm involving her too and I don't want to hurt her because of my ###$ up paranoias.

Have you experienced something similar? How did/would deal with this? Do you have any good readings I could look at? The problem is clearly in me... in my head... I seriously looked at the snack she gave me and thought "what if it's poisoned?", opened it, sniffed it and threw it in the trash bin... just what the ###$

I'm becoming more paranoid day after day, I'm even starting to hate her because I don't know if she's just using me as her personal friend listener or flirting or don't know what, I'm not good with this kind of stuff. I might end up being extremely rude to her one of these days, some kind of self defence mechanism is acting up to prevent any damage to my ego.

My head is getting filled with hateful thoughts, I'm starting to become jealous when I see her talking to the other guy in the house when, afterall, she's nothing to me.

Do you have any insight on the matter?

I'm a first time poster too. I'm also new to the whole talking thing and newer to giving advice so none of what I'm about to type may be particularly insightful or enlightening.

First off, if you think you might harm this girl or yourself please seek professional help asap.

Secondly, I can relate somewhat to being extremely paranoid and distrustful of other people. When I was a kid I thought my parents were trying to poison me and I would always cook my own meals. I was always suspicious of classmates and thought they might harm me in some way.

Eventually I forced myself to be trusting of people. It was not easy. I remember forcing myself to sit down in other peoples' presence instead of stand, stop mapping out escape routes and usable weapons, accept and consume food, etc.

I don't know if this might be a good approach to dealing with your problem but it helped me somewhat.