On Selfishness

I want to start off by saying that I have not been diagnosed with AvPD, but that it only seems like I have it.

Okay, now on to the topic.

I always feel selfish. About everything I do. I always feel like a burden and that I'm just taking up space. It's everything. At first it was about logical things, like if someone was telling a story and I'd automatically make it about me and I wouldn't let them finish. Then I realized what I was doing and I stopped. Now it's about everything. We had our Senior Bash last weekend (it's where the entire senior class went to a local college and stayed up all night and basically played). I was with some of my "friends" and I already felt weird being with them because they didn't invite me to be with them and I just sort of started following them. They were headed to play tennis and I said "oo! Can I play?" because I did want to play and then all the sudden I felt like "$#%^, that was totally selfish of me. Why would I ever even think that they would want to play with me?" and I just left without saying anything. I tend to do that a lot. People tell me that I "dissapear" or "vanish." I've become pretty good at it, actually. I can leave a room without anyone noticing. It's one of the few things I'm proud of.

A very close friend of mine died in Feburary. He was one of the few people I felt comforatble around. A painted a few pictures for his family. I remember standing outside of the house with all these paintings in my hands debating over whether they would think it was nice of me or if I were intruding and if they were thinking "who does she think she is? Why would she give us these, he was our son/brother. It's not her place." And I can't even deal with this death because it's not about ME it's about HIM and I have no place to feel sad because it has NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. I have no place in being sad.

I feel like that a lot. With pretty much everything. Like I have no right to have any emortions because they always effect someone else. I always remain completely indifferent to every situation....or at least I try to my very best. This girl I kind of have a crush on, who's my friend and she drove me to school each morning, she asked me the other day, "are you going to miss me when you go to college?" and I didn't know what the right answer was. I knew the answer wasn't "no" because that might make her feel bad, and I wasn't sure if the answer was "yes" because I didn't want to seem like I was actually capable of caring about something...because caring about things is selfish. So I said "probably" and she got really mad at me.

I feel like everything I do is completely selfish. I joined the Global Awareness club this year at school and after I was there for a couple of meetings I felt like people were thinking that I only joined the club to look good, not to actually help people...so I stopped going to meetings even though they needed me. I feel like when I eat I'm being selfish because there are other people who need food. I don't want to go into a romantic relationship because they seem selfish. They way I view relationships is like this: you get into a relationship because it makes YOU feel good, not nessicarily the other person. It's like you're forcing someone to be with you so YOU can be happy and it just doesn't make any sense to me.

Does anyone else feel like this?

First of all, sorry about the loss of your friend.

In answer to your question, I do often feel selfish, but not to the extent that you do.

Take note of this: Caring about things is not in and of itself selfish. And if by 'things' you mean people, as seems to be the case with the girl who drove you to school, it is definitely not.

You don't come across very selfish in any of the other examples you mentioned either. You seem to think that having your own wishes and feelings and expressing them to others equals selfishness. It does not. It only becomes selfish if at the same time you're insensitive to the feelings of others. The first situation you mentioned, interrupting someone's story to talk about yourself, fits that description. The rest of your examples don't by any means.

On the topic of relationships I'm not one to talk, but if your assumption about their selfish nature were true, I don't think many of them would survive for long.

Many of them don't.

I don't believe I am selfish. Of course, sometimes I am, no one's perfectly selfless.

Where I think I relate is that I am often afraid others will think I am selfish, when really what I am trying to do is make sure I don't inconvenience anyone.

Thing is, there really is an element of selfishness in my behaviour. I have a friend who calls me out when I am behaving avoidant or overly accommodating. She finds it tiresome when she asks me to do something and I respond by saying, "Well, only if it's not going to bother you or conflict with your own plans."

In a way, I think I am looking for affirmation: "OH no, I WANT you to hang out with me because you're awesome and loveable and you're just AWESOME." It's sort of ridiculous but sometimes I feel that it would be nice to hear that.

If I am going away for the weekend with friends, and we can't leave Friday night because I am working, I will say, "Just go without me because I don't want to ruin your plans." Meanwhile, they are totally fine with changing it so we head out on Saturday instead. But I feel guilty and selfish that they are changing plans for me! As if I don't deserve it. In a way, I feel a bit of anger about it. Why are they accommodating me, I don't deserve it, and now they are going to resent me for it.

So no, I don't think you are selfish, but I do think you are suffering from extremely low self-esteem and pitiful sense of self-worth. Join the club, I'm a member. We can get better, I am sure.