The "Why" of Feeling Unwanted

I guess I am thinking that all my bizarre behaviours related to AvPD, ACA, and PTSD all have childhood trauma at the core. If I can heal that, then all my other problems will be healed. Hopefully.

I used to think ignoring childhood trauma would make it go away. Obviously I was wrong. The more one tries to cover it up and hide from it, the worse it gets. I do think a lot of my behavior does have childhood trauma at it's core, avpd included. I didn't realize until recently just how much the things I went through as a child affected me and my behavior as an adult. I don't want to remain chained to the past forever. Sometimes we do have to move backward before moving forward.

For years I thought of myself just as introverted. I usually only had one good friend. I would become friends by someone being put in a situation, such as assigned to do something with me at school, who would discover I was a nice person. I didn't think too much about whether there was anything wrong with me; it's the just way my life was.

I agree totally too--it was mainly from classroom situations and such that I got to know other people.

It was 12 years ago when I decided I wanted someone to become my friend that my perspective changed. After I worked hard at trying to develop friendships, at first I thought I was achieving some success. It was frustratingly slow, though. It was after about 3 years when I began to notice I was doing all the work at trying to establish friendships and I felt like the objects of my attention weren't reciprocating that I really began to feel bad. That's when I started withdrawing. Life was easier when I wasn't trying to make friends. Now I can't go back and I haven't been successful in going forward.

Yeah, I 'joined' a friendship group and they never seemed to appreciate my attempts at becoming closer friends with them. I eventually cut myself off from them, though I still continued trailing after them because of 'image' (I went to a private all-girls' school where not 'belonging' in a friendship group made you an outcast from everyone automatically--it was that snobbish and bad).

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I never really believed all my rejection feeling issues could come down to one single event only, but if it could, or can, then I think I know what event should that be.
I remember when I was about 11 years old I used to hang out with my female cousins at my grandma's house which was near my house. I had two cousins aged 10 and 11 like me, they were sisters and another one, she was 15, who also lived at my grandma's house because she had repeatedly argued and fought her father and decided to leave home.
I liked her a lot. She was older, very pretty, extraverted, outgoing, dominant, she even raised my early boyhood sex urges.
One afternoon I was with my other two cousins in front of the kitchen doorway, she was inside, and I was with my hands stretched out touching the doorposts like I was blocking the way. I was grinning wide as I talked to my 15 year-old cousin. I can't remember what we were talking about...then all of a sudden she bursted out furiously at me and said: "You keep looking at me with this grin on your face[and started mocking my grin]." I can't remember what she said next. The only thing I remember well is I was got completely offguard and couldn't say a word, my grin wore off and I stepped back without a word. I felt completely miserable. I liked her so much, I couldn't believe she had said that to me. To this day I still don't know why she said that...maybe she was having one of "her days", which I didn't know nothing of then. But the fact is I never fully recovered from that single episode of rejection. I never again trusted myself in relation to other people. I became very self-conscious, and I never again was sure if she really liked me.
Maybe I'm right and this single event triggered off my AvPD and my lifelong rejection feelings. I'm sad this was caused by someone I loved instead of by a stranger.
Again, I was never sure she really liked me after that happened. And I can't understand why she said that to me, why she lashed out at me like that.

Yes, I felt unwanted during my childhood but, for a very sound reason. Quite simply put it wasn't a great time for my parents and I wasn't wanted. I can say that now without feeling any...well hardly any hurt feelings.

My parents wish they could go back and change the way they neglected me. But I had an older brother who was three years old and had asthma severely. So there just wasn't time for me.

Hope things were not the same for others

Sweetngentle

trence wrote:
Do any of you feel unwanted - by family, friends, the world at large, by God? Why do you think this is - did your parents act like they didn't want you around?

I'm often told(by my mother) that I'm unwanted and that I'll never be wanted. By anyone.

I can't help but to believe it.

Woolgatherer wrote:I'm often told(by my mother) that I'm unwanted and that I'll never be wanted. By anyone.

I can't help but to believe it.

that is absolutely horrible! and completely untrue! i know it is a really tough struggle, i have been there many times, but even if the people in your life right now are not supportive (or lord forbid abusive), you have to keep the hope and the faith that there are many possibilities in the future for you to have really close and fulfilling relationships. i know that is the only thing that kept me alive during many years of abuse in my childhood. it was the hope for something better in the future. you have to hold on to it.

do you believe that it is possible? because if you do it doesn't matter if anyone else on earth thinks otherwise. and you shouldn't listen to, or believe, their negative bullcrap (i'm sorry this really strikes a nerve with me).

is your mother emotionally/verbally abusive towards you? what on earth would lead her to say these things to you? are you seeing a therapist?

::hugs::

erin

as for me:

yes i have felt that way. i often feel that way still. but i think i am starting to realize that most of it is untrue distorted thinking. sure it may have been true in the past, when i was recieving lasting abuse and neglect from my parents, when my father abandoned the family, when i spent four years being molested and abused and tortured for years on end by a step-family member under my mother's nose while she did nothing about it. and maybe when the kids at school bullied me and mocked and made fun of me because i looked poor. because i acted a little strange. because i didn't have any friends. but i can't replay the past over and over again in my life.

i am trying to combat lies with truth: if my husband didn't want me he wouldn't have married me and he wouldn't be with me still and he definately wouldn't tell me that he loves me so often. if no one wanted to be my friend i wouldn't have aquaintances that want me to spend time with them more often ( i have been invited several times to go shopping and things like that with some casual friends from church. i really wish i would take them up on their offers more often). and if god didn't want me he wouldn't have sent his only son to die for me on the cross.

erin

(can anyone tell i am feeling very fiery today? weird...)

I don't feel unwanted by everyone. I know there are still a few people (my immediate family) who appreciate me. But others I assume are not interested in me because I'm quiet and uninteresting. So I don't even try to let them get to know me, because I think I'll just be bothering them and keeping them from doing things they'd rather do with people they'd rather be with. Thus I'm creating my own vicious cycle: I'm afraid people aren't interested in me so I keep out of their way so they don't have the opportunity to get to know me so they can't tell if I interest them so ...
Knowing that this is going on should make it easier to change, but it doesn't.

Woolgatherer, your mother should stick to things she knows. Apparently she doesn't appreciate you herself, but how can she possibly know about the rest of the world? Has she inquired with each and every person on the face of the planet if they are interested in you? Or even a representative sample of people? Either she's making gross assumptions based on her own feelings or she's deliberately lying to you for some reason.

I can't believe that there is no one who would be interested in you and you shouldn't believe it either.

sobriainebrietas wrote:

Woolgatherer wrote:I'm often told(by my mother) that I'm unwanted and that I'll never be wanted. By anyone.

I can't help but to believe it.

that is absolutely horrible! and completely untrue! i know it is a really tough struggle, i have been there many times, but even if the people in your life right now are not supportive (or lord forbid abusive), you have to keep the hope and the faith that there are many possibilities in the future for you to have really close and fulfilling relationships. i know that is the only thing that kept me alive during many years of abuse in my childhood. it was the hope for something better in the future. you have to hold on to it.

do you believe that it is possible? because if you do it doesn't matter if anyone else on earth thinks otherwise. and you shouldn't listen to, or believe, their negative bullcrap (i'm sorry this really strikes a nerve with me).

is your mother emotionally/verbally abusive towards you? what on earth would lead her to say these things to you? are you seeing a therapist?

::hugs::

erin

I really do believe it has a lot to do with the fact that my boyfriend broke up with me. I had only stayed in the relationship because my mom was threatening me if I didn't otherwise. She'd treat me nicely only if I'd agree to spend time with him , and go here and there with him. Being the people pleaser that I am, I'd feel guilty if I didn't. It was a vicious cycle and I was only obliging just to relieve the guilt.
Regardless of that, the relationship was a disaster. I had immense difficulty living up to the expectations.
After it was over, to her, I became worthless, ugly, unwanted, immature, a screw-up, and a loser.

I'm 17 (soon to be), and I've been diagnosed with social phobia. I used to go to therapy. I felt it was going no where, so I gradually stopped going.

I've been lurking around in this forum for a few months now, and I've finally mustered up the courage to post. I'm still very shy, even online.
I don't know if I have AvPD (I'm probably too young to be diagnosed with it anyway), but I do relate to what others have written in this forum.

Woolgatherer wrote:I really do believe it has a lot to do with the fact that my boyfriend broke up with me. I had only stayed in the relationship because my mom was threatening me if I didn't otherwise. She'd treat me nicely only if I'd agree to spend time with him , and go here and there with him. Being the people pleaser that I am, I'd feel guilty if I didn't. It was a vicious cycle and I was only obliging just to relieve the guilt.
Regardless of that, the relationship was a disaster. I had immense difficulty living up to the expectations.
After it was over, to her, I became worthless, ugly, unwanted, immature, a screw-up, and a loser.

that is very strange that your mother would be pressuring you like that to be in a relationship with him... she sounds a bit "off in the head" herself. i hope you don't take any of her hurtful words to heart. i know it is hard. but you don't have to beat yourself up for displeasing her or anybody. you are your own person and you have the right to feel good about yourself. everybody has hurts. everybody makes mistakes. this doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm 17 (soon to be), and I've been diagnosed with social phobia. I used to go to therapy. I felt it was going no where, so I gradually stopped going.

I've been lurking around in this forum for a few months now, and I've finally mustered up the courage to post. I'm still very shy, even online.
I don't know if I have AvPD (I'm probably too young to be diagnosed with it anyway), but I do relate to what others have written in this forum.

well i am glad that you decided to come out and join us.

but i hope you know that you are not too young to get help for what you are going through. maybe there is another therapist in your area who you would feel more comfortable with.

you shouldn't have to feel so low and worthless.

i'm sorry about your breakup though. i know they are really rough sometimes...

::hugs::

erin