Sound familiar?

Hey... I'm new and I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD, exactly.

I'm fifteen, and I'm afraid of people, but in a weird sort of way. I can talk one-on-one when they start the conversation, and they like me, but I can never make myself talk to them, and in a group, I'm as lively and animate as a corpse.

Then, I start to do the thing where it's like... looking at the conversation through a mirror, but it shows only the bad side of the conversation, everything I did wrong, every time they didn't like me. And then I see only that they didn't like me. I think I have to always be perfect or everyone will hate me.

So I start to make friends, but after maybe three or five interactions that are really good at first and go downhill because I get like a scared rabbit, I just break it off without ever telling them.

I don't know why I'm this way and I don't want to be this way- but it's getting worse.

I have an inner voice that's like having an abusive relative. Nothing I do is ever good enough for it, it's like broken glass in your feet, that you can't dig out. I have no self-esteem left, thanks to it.

Anyway, is this familiar to anyone? Did you go through this, and it turned into AvPD? Or am I just going through a teen thing?

I don't know if you have avpd or not, only a professional can tell you that. You're under 18 and many professionals are reluctant to diagnose a personality disorder in a minor. Some of what you said I can relate to...I can usually talk relatively easily to someone if they start the conversation and it's something I can relate to. I usually get lost in a group and sometimes seem to just disappear. I also look back at things I've said and am overly critical of myself. That inner voice is constantly badgering me.

I can't think of a specific point where I can say I developed avpd. I've always been quiet and shy but it seemed to get worse as I got older, instead of better.

The broken glass is alarming! Are you actually doing it?

Many of the disorders are much easier to treat if you get help now, while you are still young.

I am AvPD and the part about where you don't start conversations but if they do your fine is me to a T. In groups, I forgot names of people I know well, like that of a boss I had had for 10 years. Can be a group of 3 people even.

I sure wish you'd see someone about this, you're at a point in your life where the friends you make now could be helpful for the rest of your life. This is even more true if you go to college.

Get some help!

First- thanks both of you for responding, i didn't think anyone would. <3

APD_guy, I was shy as a kid, too. I just don't know when I started being obsessive about it, like you said, it sort of gets worse. ><




TheLonelyStranger, No, I'm not actually putting broken glass in my feet, any time i'm actually on the verge of physical injury, i slap myself mentally. ><

I don't forget people's names, unless there's pressure to remember them -.- I'll always remember them later. I know what you mean about it can even be a group of three! especially if the other couple people are really talkative.

yeah... I can see someone about it. If I get the chance.

Yeah, it's the same with me too. I can talk fine if someone approaches me, or if I force myself to if I'm the one approaching, but otherwise, I'm really quite stagnant in a group situation, and usually I don't like approaching people anyway.

Now that I'm at uni, I (depending on my mood) will either not introduce myself at all, and pretend to be reading whatever book's in front of me and wait for the people next to me to introduce themselves, or I'll introduce myself and wait for them to say the next thing, and not say anything else.