So here I am, particularly avoidant today

I spent the whole day yesterday with family, many of whom I haven't seen in many years, and today I am exhausted. I just want to be alone.

I am avoiding phone calls today. My phone keeps ringing and I am not picking it up. A friend of mine is trying to get hold of me and it's really getting on my nerves. Why don't people just leave a phone message and wait for me to get back, instead of calling and calling and calling...??

I tend to attract people as friends who are dependent and needy, and it doesn't work very well because the more needy they are the more I want then to get lost.

I'm just venting. Sorry it's so negative, it's just the mindset I'm in today. I feel like I need the day alone to process the feelings around seeing family after so many years. I feel judged by them and ashamed that I haven't accomplished more in my life. I don't even own my own house, never mind not being married.

my family make me feel like that, too..i'm 22 and my 18-year-old brothers are more mature than i am, and seeing them makes me feel really bad about myself, because i don't understand how everything is so easy for them, they have friends, they go out, they do all the things i can't. i can't handle being around any of them anymore, i struggle too much to have a conversation with anyone, including my family...so now i just make excuses and don't go and see them anymore...

maybe when you've had some time to recover you'll feel better...

Why don't people just leave a phone message and wait for me to get back, instead of calling and calling and calling...??

Trence,
I know exactly what you mean, and it drives me nuts too! I'm on a weird sleep schedule too so it makes it worse when they let it ring 20 times and I'm trying to sleep. A lot of my friends/family know that the only way I'll answer them now is through email, and that works because then they can get ahold of me and not worry as much. They still think it's weird that I don't answer the phone or the door but sometimes I just don't want to deal with anyone.

Hey nina. Well, in my case I don't think my family tried to 'make me' feel bad. I recognize that this avoidance problem skews my perception of reality.

I tend to "mind-read" and that's what makes me feel bad. "They must think I am a loser because I don't own a house, I'm not married, I'm not making much money, blah blah blah". That's what I think. Mind-reading is not a productive thing but I tend to fall into it, especially if I am out of my comfort zone. Being with extended family can be a bit triggering for this. I have removed myself from them for so long that to be amongst them now, I really feel like an outsider.

This avoidant behaviour I fall back on makes me feel worse. I should have forced myself to go to church this morning, but I didn't because I just wanted to be alone. Bad idea for me. What I needed after being with family in a triggering situation was to be in a comfort spot, with people who are more normal and accepting of me (at least where I feel normal and accepted). Staying at home wasn't taking care of myself. As a result, I felt lonely, irritable, negative, and depressed.

In fact, I've sort of come to the conclusion that in the past I have mis-labeled depressive episodes. I think that what I think is depression is actually acute loneliness. What I need to fix it is to be around people who accept me.

These are random thoughts I know. It helps to write it down.

I need down time also after dealing with anyone. I don't have any family close to me but if I did I'm sure I'd need time to recover after dealing with them. I feel the same way in regards to comparing myself to others. I get depressed when I think of what other people my age have done...get married, buy houses, have kids. I just feel so left behind.

I think you're being too hard on yourself trence. Doing things I'd rather avoid causes me a lot of stress, so I find it very important to balance my outings. I think you should give yourself credit for spending time with people you don't get to see very often, and get back on track with church next weekend.

Thanks for understanding, guys.

I've always had this problem, but it seems that after my boyfriend broke up with me 3 years ago, it was like the last straw of rejection. I broke, and I have never been the same since. In many ways I feel more grounded, and more real, because I have been more honest than ever in my life with more people. But in other ways, perhaps in a fundamental way, I feel so incredibly broken.

I am finding that lately, I am wanting to withdraw from my current boyfriend. I feel like rejection is imminent. I want it to happen now. I find myself wishing, praying, that he will forget about me. I want to be alone.

Living somewhere far, far away, in a monastery, alone, with nature, appeals so much to me right now. Give me an oasis, a break. No more relationships. I can't handle intimacy because it is not worth the risk of rejection. I feel like rejection personified.

Why am I here? What purpose do I have here on this earth? I want to kill myself except I don't have the gall to do it. So I live but don't really live, like perpetual suicide of the soul.

Holy cow, that was dramatic, wasn't it? I am just feeling so freaking lousy right now. I wish I had a puppy, so I could just cuddle with it and go to sleep.

This is coming on because a friend of my boyfriend that I don't really know is visiting and wants to hang out with me tomorrow. I feel panicked, scared, afraid of being caught out. What on earth is there to talk about? I don't want to talk about my career, because I don't have one. I don't want to talk about what I've done or what I am going to do. I don't know. I am just trying to live, to survive, one day at a time. I don't have dreams anymore because I have lost my spirit, somehow. It is too broken.

Sorry for being such a downer. Just feeling extra shittastic today.

Well, I had the meeting with my boyfriend's friend yesterday and though I dreaded it all day, I had a good time. I wasn't monitoring myself so much. I didn't feel judged.

Much of my problems of life are in my head. As Mark Twain said (paraphrased): "I've had many troubles in my life, most of which never happened."

trence, I've been meaning to ask you. Have you thought about why this friend of your boyfriend wanted to hang out with you? You say you don't really know him, so where did he get the idea to spend some time with you? I'm thinking he must have heared good things about you. From his friend, your boyfriend, most likely.

From where I'm sitting, it looks like the interest shown by this friend is a sign that your relationship with your boyfriend is faring much better than you're thinking. I don't think rejection is imminent.

The usual caveat applies: I may be wrong, because I'm drawing conclusions from not very much information. But hopefully my observation gives grounds for a more positive view of your relationship.

GG: I hadn't thought of that, thanks for the positive spin on it. The only option I was thinking was, "She is here to scope me out, and see if I am worthy or not..."