Can I help an APD?

I dated this guy a year ago for seven months. A great guy in many ways, compassionate, witty, sincere. But it of course didn't last....he showed so much of the signs, not totally sure......

Told me he was very uncomfortable in social situations. But he wanted to do things, he tried. He would stand around after church to socialize but never initiated, waited for others to approach, the same at functions. So very uncomfortable. He did make time for us to date, as often as 3-4 times a week in the beginning and we became intimate fast. He really seemed to need the affection. But he wouldn't open up. I mistook his silence for being a quiet strong type. He kept me at a distance, hardly talked. Silent and very observant of me and others. His personal life with his kids was very tough, when a crisis happened he broke off with me. It had been building up to this, he had started pulling away and distancing himself from me a few weeks before.

I took it really hard and have missed him terribly. He had said in the beginning that he had a tendancy to disappear after a few months. I really know now that he is dealing with some serious problems. He lives with regret and quilt and anger. Wish I had been more aware when we were dating, I would of understood so much more of what was going on. Not sure that anything would of changed...but maybe I would of not taken it personally. He has no one and won't accept help from family or friends..most friends are just acquaintances....he doesn't try to develop close relationships. Even keeping his kids at a distance and hating himself for it.

So several months later he mentioned going for coffee...I had e-mailed him a note and he suggested we get together and talk....I turned him down then saying I didn't feel that it was a good time for me (I was and still am afraid that I will get hurt again).....but I did e-mail him later a quick note and he responded...this has been a while back.

Okay, my question is... do I talk to him, see where we can go? I really wish that I could be there for him..I believe that he needs someone to talk to that accepts him. Or is it better to just leave it alone...and realize that if he wanted to get better he would?

Any help would be very much appreciated.

SL

Skog,

Thanks for the advice. Here is my problem...I want to be of help and I would stay his friend..but he broke off with me, I am afraid that he will push me away again. I know that he craves a relationship and he may be tempted again, but his pattern is not to maintain a relationship. And from what I read about AvPD, this is a common thing. When we dated I think he started trying to find things about me to dislike so he could keep from getting too attached and to make the break easier...it was so obvious.

One minute he was very in to the relationship and the next he was pulling out. We never fought, we were intense for seven months...and then he fizzled, just like he predicted in the beginning. He doesn't maintain any relationships....all this makes me wonder...should I give up?

And here is what drives me crazy...if he had a physical medical condition, I would be there in an instant....it is the shutting out I cannot take....and he is very good at this. He does not go after anything he wants, so I would have pursue him...which is hard to do because I am human and also fear rejection.

So....there you go...

SL

Skog,

Answering your question is hard because I think it depends on where your friends are with you in the relationship and how mature they are....

When you say that you are afraid they will treat you differently for awhile then go away.. well, I can see that happening but only because they don't know what to do and may read your signals wrong. Just like in my situation it is difficult to continually go forward when you feel you are being pushed away.

My ex said that he didn't have many friends....no one from high school, not close to anyone in his family....he also did not have any social skills and would virtually freeze in group situations....

The reason I am telling you this is that I know...I know that he is where he is out of fear, in pain and unable to really be himself. But while I know this, I still have a hard time putting myself out there....so for your friends...they may read and understand but when pushed away, I would expect them to maybe react as I do...as though they are being rejected.

Communication is such a tough thing, I think we hold back what we would like to say. For example my good friend that knew me for over 15 years thought I didn't go with her to do things because I really wasn't interested in being her friend....that I preferred to be at home. But yet she never told me this until years later when she was dying of cancer. And of course it wasn't true, I was in an unhappy marriage and was doing what I thought was best by staying home...and I didn't share my problems. But she and I never talked about the real reasons and I didn't know she felt the way she did....she was afraid to ask...afraid of the answer. Same for me right now...I still care about this guy but am so afraid he will turn me away again.

I think that any awareness on your friends part would have to help, but I think that you will have to try and communicate better also. If you continue to be distant and reject any approach, well I feel they would not be able to last out....and they would eventually go away.

As far as other people knowing...again..how mature are your friends? I sense from your writing that you would choose compassionate and caring people for your friends.

Hope that I have helped some. And thank you so much for writing me back. Your advice is sincere and I appreciate that.

SL

Skog,

If it were me, I would want to hear it in person. To read something would be okay too....I think I would try to understand either way, but in person at least I could maybe ask some questions and get a better understanding of what you felt. I mean, friends are suppose to be able to ask other friends for help and in essence that is what you would be doing.

The thing that I think you have to remember is that you may be triggering some things in them that are hard for them to handle. In my previous post I mentioned my friend that I lost to cancer.

Anyway, a friend of both of ours just could not deal with her dying and after things got really bad, she stopped coming around. It was hard on everyone. She had trouble showing her emotions and was unable to handle that. But I know that she still cared. And my friend knew that she cared and forgave her.

So I guess I am saying that you can't expect everyone to have the skills needed for your situation, some may bail on you.

Whatever you decide, I hope that your friends come through for you.

SL

Still Learning

Thanks - I will consider your thoughtful response.

Back to your original post - your friend is lucky to have a caring person like you in his life. Here you are reading these posts about what you believe is his problem to try to understand him better.

While you may be unsure that he is going to initiate anything with you, you seem to be a positive element in his life - a life that needs more positives. Can you be satisfied knowing that you are that positive force in his life? Maybe he will grow more comfortable/safe with you, maybe he will constantly oscillate between being part of your life and disappearing for awhile. If you feel good knowing you are being his friend, maybe that could be enough. I hope you both find happiness.

Skog,

Thank you so much for the nice note. I am going to consider what you said. At the end of the day we just want to know that people cared about us. And I do care about this person.

Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going with your friends.

Good luck,

SL