Depressive Trance

I don't know if I can explain this properly, but I've come to notice this weird trance-like state I get into at times.

It started this week when some stressful work-related stuff happened, triggering financial insecurity feelings. Perceived behaviour by coworkers and manager made me feel really ostracized. It seemed to put me onto some sort of high-alert, where I felt more intensely vulnerable than usual. I'm left zapped of energy, anxious and paranoid.

My reflex is to isolate. My sleeping has been awful the past several days. I feel an eery depression and I just want to be alone. I'm thinking that my boyfriend must be thinking of dumping me, that my employers are plotting to fire me, and that people I thought were becoming friends are trying to avoid me.

It doesn't feel real. It feels like I am in a trance, like this feeling is something I go into and I don't know any recourse other than just waiting till it passes. I hate it though. I feel really scared.

On a different (but perhaps related) note: I was watching this program on public television today about the effects of school bullying. I was constantly bullied at primary school. This, along with other abusive/neglectful childhood stuff, has given me this avoidant tendency (I believe).

So anyway, this woman on the show said that studies have shown that those who have been bullied on an on-going basis (not just once or twice) have underdeveloped brains. The hypothalumus is actually smaller as a result of bullying (not sure how they know this, I haven't looked at the study so this is hearsay).

I thought it was interesting. Maybe my brain has been physiologically messed up by childhood trauma and that's why I find life more difficult. I wish I was still seeing my therapist so I could ask about this.

sometimes i also get into this hazy kind of state where my paranoia seems to be controlling everything i do...a few times it has gotten so bad i feel like i'm not in any control anymore, and i am actually just watching myself walk around and do things without really choosing what i do...especially when i am excessively worrying about being fired and things like that, i just feel like the whole world is caving in on me and everyone is against me and there's nothing i can do, so it's pointless even trying...it's definately very tiring...a few days ago i got into such a bad anxious state that i actually broke out in a rash all over...that's never happened to me before, and i'm sure that the panicking caused it because as soon as i calmed down a little it completely disappeared...i didn't even know that it was possible for that to happen, and i've done a lot of panicking in my life, that's for sure...i guess it must have just been worse than usual...

I think I've experienced something somewhat similar to this. I hope I explain this properly. In the past in times of extreme stress I've had the feeling that life isn't real. Like it's all a dream that I'm making up. I experience everything that goes on around me perfectly fine but it just doesn't seem real. Thankfully I haven't experienced this for several years. The very few times this happenned it totally scared me because I feared I was teetering on the edge of psychosis.
If something really bad happens I seem to enter into an autopilot mode. This is also hard to explain. I seem to not feel anything and just go through the motions. I seem to be able to do everything still, it just seems like I'm not putting any thought into it. It's like a strange calmness comes over me. This is what happenned I lost my brother some years back. I seem to remember some things but I can't seem to remember other things or some of the finer details. The fact that I seem to have some minor apparent memory gaps concerns me because I usually have a pretty good memory.
As for the study about undeveloped brains in those who have been bullied, I don't know what I think of that. There always seems to be a new study out that says this or that, who knows. The bottom line is that bullying will have a psychological effect, which may or may not cause physical effects. Regardless of whether of not there is a physical effect, it's the psychological effect that caused it in the first place.

I'm pretty sure what you're trying to describe is Depersonalization Disorder. It can be caused by AvPD. I have DP and I may very well have AvPD.

There's a section for it under "Dissociative Dissorders" on the main page.

If you want to describe this feeling in greater detail, I'd be perfectly happy to help you figure out if it's DP or not.

Thanks, heliocopter! I bookmarked a website on the disorder you mentioned and I'll take a look at it sometime. I guess I am not yet ready to entertain the idea that I have another disorder! But I will look into it.

trence wrote:Thanks, heliocopter! I bookmarked a website on the disorder you mentioned and I'll take a look at it sometime. I guess I am not yet ready to entertain the idea that I have another disorder! But I will look into it.

If you have AvDP it's probably not a disorder all on it's own, just a outcome of the AvDP, because three things can trigger it: trauma, drugs, and anxiety--especially social anxiety. And if it's only sometimes, it wouldn't be a disorder, just a side-affect so to speak of the AvDP.

Hello, I too have similar symptoms to you especially the paranoid thoughts of what others think about me and worry about my perceived poor performance at work.
These from my own experience are typical of major depression.You mentioned briefly about seeing a therapist. If you are not currently seeing one you need to get yourself referred again as you are definitely unwell and require specialist help. You may also requires antidepressant medication. Although this maybe a difficult thing to agree too as there are a lot of negatives concerning antidepressants you need to weigh up the pros and cons and to be honest your current position is not being resolved so antidepressants may well work for you and give you a better quality of life. You may not think so but your condition at the moment is quite serious and you need a lot of help.
I don't know about the rules in the US but your doctor should know in the UK with this kind of problem your employer is obliged to understand your difficulties and are legally obliged to look after you.
Do not under any circumstances resign from your job as the urge to do so will be strong.
I wish you all the best for the future, get help its out there don't be afraid to ask for all the help you can get.
Get well soon, Andy.

I experienced that sort of thing the OP is talking about too. It got really bad so I was able to work things to remove myself from the situation. I thought it was derealization (also referred to as depersonalization), when you don't feel like things are real. My solutions to my problems are poor. I didn't really overcome them, I just avoided them. As a result, my quality of life is not good, althought I've always thought removing myself possibly saved my life.