What's the best way to deal with an AvPD?

Hi Everyone,

I know a guy whom I think has AvPD. I'm wondering about the best way to deal with him. Shall I just leave him alone and not initiate contact? He ususally answers e-mails but rarely initiates. Never calls but always answers the phone when he can see my number. I invited myself over for a weekend and we had a good time. After that I got an e-mail with the words "had fun".

So I just wonder if it would hurt him more if I didn't initiate anymore contact and waited for him to do it. Or would he be relieved? Sometimes I worry that I annoy him (since he rarely seems to miss me enough to call or write on his own). Most guys would want to maintain contact as long as they like me or are interested. But with him I am puzzled. Does he want me to give up or does he fear that I will give up?

I also don't want to get hurt or too emotionally involved if it's never going to lead anywhere.

Any suggestions?

if it was me i would want you to be calling because i can't call anyone, no matter what the situation, i just can't do it...sometimes i can't even answer the phone...if you stopped contacting him he would probably be really hurt and wonder what had happened and obsess over it...this is all only applicable if he is definately acting this way because of avpd though, you need to be sure that is why and it's not just that he may not be completely interested (sorry, i'm not saying he's not, but it just depends on why he's acting like this) maybe if you talk to him about it then you will know what his reasons are, and if the whole situation is because of avpd, it means he probably does really like you and you shouldn't stop calling, because it just may be hard for him to call you or invite you anywhere because he may be scared you'll reject or hurt him...all i know is if it happened to me and you stopped calling, i'd be really sad and feel like you don't like me plus i'd feel like a failure because my avpd had ruined another relationship, plus i'd feel like because you had gotten to know me well and know what i was really like, that made you realise you didn't like me, which is what always happens, etc. i have no idea if this is what is happening, but that's just what it would cause me to think if someone did it to me...

Thanks Nina,

I just think if the problem were that he were not interested he would just not answer or not pick up the phone or make up an excuse for not coming when I invite him to something. But he always says yes or replies or picks up. It's just that he cannot seem to come up with a plan of his own or call himself or send an e-mail on his own (apart from a few times).

Of course this makes me feel insecure too! I have sort of given up the idea that this will never be a real relationship. But I'm willing to be friends because I like him and care about him and would love to help him get over his lonliness. He has admitted that he is lonely and he has admitted that he always thought I was intimidating. Sometimes I wonder if he has continued to think that.

One thing that makes me think he cannot have AvPD is that he actually seems to be quite successful at work. He manages a team of people and has to see clients. So I think he cannot be THAT shy. But at the same time he has no friends at age 40 and his only close relationship seems to be with his parents and brothers. Yet he wants to have friends. But in non-work settings like at church is always left early to avoid having to speak to people. So I don't know . . . I guess only a professional can diagnose AvPD, but there were so many posts that I read here that sounded quite familiar to me. It's has been kind of enlightening to me to learn about this disorder. I am shy too and have felt left out at various times in life. So to a certain extent I can relate. But I have also been able to work around the shyness and create meaningful relationships with a lot of people. I guess I'm lucky. My AvPD on the other hand seems to be trapped.

Mermaid, it's great that you're trying to help out your friend. My advice to you would be to continue trying to draw him out, but resist the urge to nag him or criticize him when he pulls back. I know we Avoidants can be frustrating, but any display of anger from others, no matter how justified, just sends us deeper into our shells.

If he seems to be avoiding you more than usual, just ask him calmly and non-judgmentally, "Have I done anything to upset you?" or "Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe you don't like me." These are feelings that every avoidant understands all too well, and it might do him good to see that even a "normal" person like you can have those same insecurities. That would give you both a good starting point to start discussing your feelings, and you might draw him out a little.

But it's very difficult. I've had several nice people like you over the years attempt to pull me out of my shell, but I was too set in my ways, and they eventually gave up on me and moved on. It's nice that you're willing to put in the effort with him.

I hope it works out!

One thing that makes me think he cannot have AvPD is that he actually seems to be quite successful at work. He manages a team of people and has to see clients. So I think he cannot be THAT shy

Some people are better at hiding their shyness at work. I don't think anyone at my job knows that I suffer from AvPD, although some may have their suspicions. I've also worked at a job where I had to supervise people. I can deal with work situations where there is a set of rules of behavior to follow, etc. I can manage structured enviornments. Yet the minute a co-worker asks me to go out to do something with them I come up with excuses why I can't go.

Have patience with your friend. Let him know that you will accept him as he is but you will try to help him with his lonliness. Best of luck to you both.

What most people don't realize is its not just a one way thing. He may not be calling you because he isn't sure if you'll want to call him. So he waits for you to call to see if you actually will. I do it myself, and I have a friend of mine who likes me who does it all the time. She won't IM me for days on end simply because she wants to see me IM her, and then she'll finally IM me, we'll talk for a while, and she'll repeat.

In summary; just keep initiating as much as possible.

I am not an expert on AvPD, and even though I exhibit all of the characteristics I have never been diagnosed with the disorder. So keep this in mind while reading my opinions here...

I keep reading advice for friends/lovers of people with AvPD, and it strikes me as putting a lot of the onus on friends and partners, but none on the AvPD person. I think this is dangerous for both persons in the relationship.

Firstly, I think that one person doing all the work - doing all the calling, etc, enables the AvPD behaviour and actually prevents them from changing or seeking change. As someone with this behaviour, I don't want people to cater to me. I want to change. I want to be more "normal" or more socially adept. If my partner were to do all the calling I would be able to retreat more. It wouldn't help me, it would hinder me.

Secondly, for the partner who is doing all the work to try to draw the AvPD out, it just seems draining to me. I dated someone who I believe was also AvPD, and it became so draining trying to get this person to call, to go out, to socialize etc. I became codependent in the relationship. Energy I could be using to meet my own needs was spent on trying to get this guy out of his shell, and at the end of it, he never changed. He didn't need to change, because those around him were accommodating him.

Maybe it's just me, because I have trouble setting boundaries and with caretaking. But there can be a fine line between reaching out in compassion and getting enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship. I just think we need to be careful that we aren't enabling someone and preventing them from seeking the professional help they need to get better.

To the contrary, I don't think friends and partners do enough. I feel like I'm stereotyped as quiet and (incorrectly assumed to be) antisocial.

I don't personally agree with this myself. Friends and partners are still only humans, no matter how great they can seem. They can't read minds, they can't predict the future and they certainly can't do super-human things. Reading the first post, and assuming the guy has AvPD, why should Mermaid70 do more than what she is already doing? It already seems she is doing far more work than he is, and I'm sure it can seem like it's not worth the hassle sometimes..

But in saying that, I think it's something that could help someone with AvPD more than anything else, having another person want to reach out and help, just because they want to reach out and help.