Sabotaging Good relationships... again

I wrote about this on here before, but it's come up again the last few days. I don't know if I am asking for advice, but I would definitely be relieved to hear I am not alone in my behaviour. So, feel free to share or comment from personal experience. I think I just need to talk about this.

OK, so I am in a relationship with a guy who I've been seeing for about 5 months. I'm gay, but I think relationship issues/problems are the same no matter the sexual orientation. So let's see if you can relate whether you're straight or gay...

In spite of my fears of rejection and abandonment, I haven't done anything to sabotage the relationship thus far. I've been aware that I am terrified of intimacy, and I have worked at facing and exploring these fears and working through any related pain. As a result, getting to know this guy has been sweet, gentle, slow and very pleasant.

Well, last weekend we spoke THE WORDS to each other - you know, the fateful 3 words "I love you". What do they mean, anyway? I still don't know, but it seemed right, and felt right. We both ended up crying. And our relationship seems to have stepped forward to a new level of vulnerability and closeness. And commitment. We never talked about the label "boyfriends" before, but now we have.

ANYWAY, I won't bore you with sappy details... but since last weekend's beautiful moments, something has shifted in me. Negatively. I feel a wall put up inside me and I feel trapped. The past three days I have been mostly going through the motions of talking with him. I feel the intense need to retreat, be left alone.

I have also noticed a return to old desires. I have struggled in the past with pornography and even casual sex. I find myself wanting casual sex now. I feel the need to degrade myself in this manner, devoid of love, devoid of real intimacy.

This guy is beautiful to me. He is attractive, sweet, kind, loving and more thoughtful than anyone I know. Yet I feel myself wanting to sabotage it. I think my reasons for this include the following:

1. More intimacy means I must reveal more about myself. I must become more vulnerable. I am terrified to do that - because if he really knows more about me, he will reject me. So I might as well cut my losses soon.

2. I don't feel that I deserve love, and I feel angry that he is demonstrating love and affection for me. I want to hurt him, to lash out with my anger. At the same time, I don't want to hurt him, he is the sweetest guy I know.

3. I feel like I only deserve to be treated like crap, used and dumped... and now that I know he is loyal towards me, I think he must be defective, he must have something wrong with him to like me so much.

4. I want to retreat. I want to be alone. I want to escape, disappear... is this avoidant, or just traumatized?

Anyway, that's all I have to share at the moment. I am feeling pain, and I am worried that I will hurt this guy.

Any thoughts welcomed.

Hey. I'm sorry to hear that you feel so bad. I don't know if I can help , but I'll just say a few things. I haven't been diagnosed as an avoidant myself (I've asked for help on here!) but I think that's what I am.

It's hard for me to even imagine being in a relationship at the minute, as I'm so afraid. I think you've done fantastically to find someone you love. You're scared that things won't work out, maybe thinking he's crazy for loving you, and i know you may hear this all the time but this isn't true. You are worthy of love, especially from this special guy. Does he know about your avoidancy? He loves you, think about how much you love him. If he told you that he was having trouble adjusting to the relationship, knowing fully well that it isn't your fault, you would understand.

You have the chance of a lifetime and please don't let this pass. It's terrifying now but I promise you, you will regret this.


Maybe you're reverting back to your 'old ways' because you felt safer? Saying I love you may take the relationshpi into the realms of the unknown for you and you're scared incase you make a mistake and ruin it.


I'm sorry this is so long, but I think I can understand how you feel. I envy you a bit never let love go

trence wrote: if he really knows more about me, he will reject me. So I might as well cut my losses soon

that's the exact thought that keeps me from talking to anyone, having any friends, dating, everything. if you really like him, and you ruin everything because of this thought, then it will just add to it, because if you then go on to meet someone else, you'll be thinking about how "as soon as he got to know me well, it all fell apart" and you'll use that as a reason to do it again and again... at least that's what i do...not that i even date, but with people who pretend to be my friend, this is how it always happens...

Trence,

I can relate to a lot of what you said. Those four points have been my thinking exactly. Typical avoidant thinking. I'm the worst person to give relationship advice. I've had relationships before, but they were unhealthy, turbulent and unequal. In essence, I've never been in a "real" relationship. At least you have the courage and ability to start a relationship. I can't even/don't know how to do that. Just the thought of being in a relationship terrifies me. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is that terrifies me and why I was able to maintain relationships before. I've realized that it all comes down to fearing that being in a "normal" relationship would ultimately lead to me being rejected. How could someone "normal" want me? The past relationships I've had weren't normal so that explains why they wanted to be with me.

I know how I'd react if someone tried to get close & intimate with me. I'd run like hell like a scared little child. I'd push them away everyway possible. But for what reason? So they won't reject me and leave me end up being alone. But that would be what I was doing to them. It seems to be an endless, vicious cycle. A self fufillling prophecy. This is avoidant hell. Do what you can to try to avoid pushing him away. You deserve to be loved and happy, even if you don't think you do.

Thank you. You guys are awesome.

I am not sabotaging. But I am aware that that is what I want to do. And I suppose awareness is always the first step to resolution, right?

I am grateful for the therapy and work I have done. I know that it is healthy for me to have friends, and it is a normal and healthy thing to share a relationship with someone as long as it is mutually empowering, respectful, and loving. I suppose right now I am acting as if I am normal, even though I don't feel normal. Hopefully, after time and practice I will start feeling normal.

This morning, I forced myself to go to church, even though my avoidant side didn't want to. After the service, I forced myself to stick around to chat to a few people I've met before, even though my avoidant side wanted to get the heck out of there and go home to be alone. I'm glad I forced myself, because I ended up getting an invite to a get-together tonight. And as much as my avoidant side DOESN'T want to go, I am going to go. It's good for me. Being alone all the time is not good for me. Hopefully these new habits will help me feel better about myself. Being alone makes me feel worse about myself. So, I am putting up with the pain I experience with socializing. I guess it's like working out muscles that haven't been used before. It hurts, but supposedly I will get stronger.

Thanks for listening, I believe I am rambling now.