Very close to the solution-but I need your help

It's now three years since I discovered that I have all the symptoms corresponding to APD. However, I tried to investigate and explain the mechanism that causes all these bad feelings. After 3 years of everyday thinking, Im sure that I have discovered exactly how this very fast mechanism works in our minds.
And most important I have discovered the origin and the deep roots of this problem. This made me feel very optimistic and I would really like to help as many people as possible, that experience the same feelings with me. But in order to do this I really need your help. If you help me then we will go alltogether a very big step further. The reasons that I need this help are two.
First, I want to really ensure that the roots for APD is common for all of us and
Second, I want to be sure that I have exactly the same problem with you, which means that what I have found for my self can be applied in your case.
So,
I would like you to think carefully about some bad experiences related to when someone that you didn't know was very angry with you, or was making very bad comments to you. Then think and tell me if you could classify these situations in your 20 worst experiences list of your life. Do you think of these situations very often? and feel the need to forget them or go back in time
and delete them? All just I want to see is how bad is for you when someone (basically that you don't know) speaks
bad to you or makes very negative criticism to you, in front of you. But you must answer by 'going back' to some related experiences that you lived.
Also describe how you felt at those times. The more you write, the better for me and you.
Tell me also in what degree you think that you could relate the problem that you have with your mother's or generally your parents temperance and behaviour towards you.

After gathering information from you, then I will be able to compare it with what I've found for my self and to confirm that the roots and the solution is common for everyone. Then you are going probably to realize how simple the treatment may look like and it will make you more optimistic. So, by treating the problem in a different way and by focusing on a different direction, we will try alltogether
discuss and suggest ways of possible treatment, instead of discussing how bad our life looks like.

Don't hesitate to answer, keep in mind that everyone here shares the same problem and will benefit
from your contribution.

i understand what you're saying, because most of it has happened to me as well. mainly the fact that i can still remember every negative thing anyone has ever said to me, most of them word for word. when i think about them it always upsets me a lot, but i can't stop remembering, every day, what people have said and done to me in the past. i guess i don't want to forget, because if i do, maybe it will cause me to leave myself open to being hurt again. remembering makes me realize it's not really worth me talking to anyone, so i shouldn't. but i don't think in my case my parents had anything to do with it. they're nice people, it's not their fault i'm not that close to them, i just don't want to be close to anyone. i feel that i was born like this, because it's been for as long as i can remember. if anything caused me to become worse, it was definately my school years. everyone hated me at school, i had no friends and was treated like dirt by everyone. i still have no friends, because i can't trust anyone anymore. i don't really want to, i don't feel that it's worth it, i'm socially backward anyway. i don't know if any of this will help you with whatever it is you are doing, but that's what happened to me.

(nina)

Thank you for answering Nina. All these things that you experience and you have experienced are very natural for a normal person that has a particular phobia in his life. The term AVD is wrong for me.
Avoidance is just the result. All these things are caused by a very small thing. So, if what you have is exactly what I have, this abnormal thing is the shock that causes you when someone is too angry with you. May be so angry that he wants to hit you. B U T you are not afraid of being hit as much as you afraid of this situation. You can consider it as an extreme case of criticism. For example, in my case, if someone that I don't know very well, speak to me bad from the telephone, even if I know that he calls me from another country too far away I will get crazy.

Hey Bngas--- I like your approach---

"discuss and suggest ways of possible treatment, instead of discussing how bad our life looks like".

I've been thinking for months about the first memory of when I felt "unheard" and feared anger. (those are big struggles for me)

I know now, it was when I was 5 years old-- A much older sister came back(from another state) to live with us breifly with her new family. (My sister, her husband, their 3 year old son-- my nephew, and their infant daughter-- my niece) My nephew and I were playing on a merry-go-round type toy in the yard. We were both looking down at the ground-- he on one side and me on the other-- not knowing that my nephew had fallen off (keep in mind I was just 5) the merry-go-round continued to go and just as my sister looked out the window-- the toy swung by my nephew and hit him in the head. My sister ran out and roughly grabbed me and started hitting me-- I managed to free myself from her grip and ran in the house crying. I overheard my sister telling my mom that I deserved it and that what I did was awful.--- to my disbelief-- my mom didn't tell her she shouldn't hit me-- my mom didn't assure her I wasn't bad, that it was an accident. I wondered then-- maybe I was bad and my older sister hates me.

That was just the beginning of things that would happen in my life where my mom would not emotionally support me-- some things were much worse than my first memory-- but the feeling of being worthless/invisible was ever present.
To this day--- my stomach turns when I see someone getting angry at someone else-- let alone them getting mad at me!!! I get much anxiety when I feel I've made a mistake and have often quit jobs after a mistake-- even if my boss has told me it's OK and they value my work-- I still run.

I don't have any friends right now... I can make friends ---- it's keeping them that I have trouble with. I fear they will hurt me or they eventually will think bad of me-- so I find some way to get away from them before this happens.

Well, hope this helped some. I wish you luck in your venture!

Oh-- I didn't sign in-- I'm mariposa!

Thank you guest.
Just remember that: You feel worthless because this disorder prevents you from doing things that you would really like doing so much. By seeing others doing these simple things you feel that you
are unable to do, your self estimation decreases so much and this makes the situation worse and worse. Sometimes after a long time this leads to depression and hate for other people. Remember that anxiety is always linked with something that someone afraids. In this case your fear is something similar to what you experienced when you were kid.That is the reaction of someone in the
case that you didn't do something very well. This possibly explains why you often quit your jobs. Because if someone makes a very bad criticism you are going to get shocked and you are afraid of this shock. This is only what I believe. In the case of your friends it is also the same. For me the only problem is this phobia and nothing else. It is so impressive that this simple thing causes so many things in one's live. Im not a pshychiatrist but I also believe that APD is classified in the Pers.disorders just because all
the symptoms that this phobia causes satisfies the definition of personality disorders.

I very much like your thinking Bngas. Too many people on this forum just complain. Emo peoples...pfft.
I'd have to say my mum was partly to blame (i reakon shes avoidant to a slight degree, and inflicted it on me by blaming me for everything/critisizing everything i do.)
But the main cause is the media. The media are the ones who shape our egos. We listen to the media, and are lead by their example. The pressure builds to the point that we dont fit in if we arent a stereotype. Were brainwashed to seek out acceptance, and when we find no solace in human contact we withdraw.
There is a fine line between what is ego and what is self. The ego is a tangible thought that incorporates what we want others to think of us into a visage we live behind. The self is who you truely are, the person who comes out when your pissed drunk (minus the falling over and being stupid), when the walls of inhibition fall down. As AvPDs, i think we have far too much inhibition, too much fear of rejection. This is our problem. The root cause. Weve been conditioned to expect the worst, and as a result we put up boundaries to stop assaults on our ego. We cling onto our ego as if its our life. ---Thats the problem. As for a solution...i have no idea. Letting go of the ego is hard as are all psychological problems. Persistance of thought might lead to understanding and eventually to freeing yourself of the ego.

Hi FriedPiper,
you are very right to say these things that the problem is more general than the prevention of expresing our ego. I was thinking exactly in the same way and I still hate people that have no personality and try to do what the others do. But the problem is more general than this. I will give you an example . I am white. I believe that if I go to a country that there many black people, just like Afrika countries or generaly in a country where the people are very different from me (ie China), I believe that I will get crazy. Because of the fear of being critisized. My color and my nationality then is not an expression of my ego. An avoidant what always want is to disapear the potential of critisism. By doing what others do and by not expressing your ego you just decrease the probability of criticism. Criticism and bad criticism is the worst nightmare for an avoidant. That's why and, as you also said, this is the roots of all the problems. If fear of criticism for us is only a phobia among all the other phobias, then the things are
very easy for us and I am very optimistic. Phobias can be treated.

Thanks Bngas...I like how everyones so polite on these forums ...
Its interesting to hear you say your afraid of what people might say about you. My take on this is that your just insecure about yourself, yes? If I asked you to tell me exactly what sort of person you truely are, do you think you would have an accurate answer? Do you often wonder what life would be like if you didnt have avpd? If so, what person do you imagine yourself as? And does avpd really prevent you from being this person, or is it just an excuse to play it on the safe side? I know when i first thought i was avpd, it inhibitied me further because i could relax about being shy, instead of trying really hard to overcome it.

Every single action that an APD does into his life is towards the direction of disappearing the potential of crtisism or diminishing the probability of criticism. These actions are not the result of his personality but the result of his defensive mechanism. You try subconsiously to protect yourself from the shock that gives you when someone makes critism to you. (That's why I would really like to make this distinction, between fear of critism and reaction to criticism.The problem is not that we fear critism but our reaction when it takes place. We are afraid of this reaction).So the others don't really know who you are as what they see is something (sometimes) totally different from what you are. This defensive mechanism prevents you from doing many things and even if you don't know who you really are Im sure that you know what you wanted to do. The discovering of APD is a very big step in one's life because, among other things, it helps you realize that you are not what you show. But all these are not of direct interest in this case. I would really like to make everyone realize that all the bad things that exist into his social life are caused just from the strange reaction and attidude that has towards criticism. Even when they think that other people hate them. Don't see it as a fear o criticism. Face it like "the shock that gives you when someone makes very bad criticm to you." I am happy to discuss any objections that you may have on these things. I please everyone that thinks
that I am wrong to write something. It is a challenge for me to make him realize that all the strange and bad things into his social life can be explained and even more, get fixed.

Assuming that your theory is right - how do you think the problem can be fixed, then?