You know you're AvPD when...

Every time you leave a social gathering it's alone and you dwell on unfulfilled interactions throughout the night.

When you've dropped out of university twice and are struggling at college because you can't bring yourself to go despite loving it to bits.

When about 25 times a day you have to stop doing something because it suddenly reminded you of something you did 5 years ago that's too painful to think about.

when you don't know how to talk to your friends and are terrified that they will get tired of you being so incapable of shiny, polished conversations.

When, as a 6'+, 200+ lbs, tattooed guy who visually stands out among his friends, you are known for sneaking out of social gatherings like a ninja.

...and that's without trying.

1- you feel like you're inferior to everyone else, even the people you find annoying because "at least they have friends"
2- your only friend makes a new friend and you think "this is it, they've finally found someone they like better than me" even though you think that every time they meet someone new
3- you think you hurt someone's feelings and you feel really guilty about it but cant bring yourself to try and fix it because what if you made them hate you and they get mad at you if you try and apologize
4- you can't handle having nothing to do because then you'll start thinking about everything that has and could go wrong in your life
6- you need the grade but cant bring yourself to participate in class because what if you're wrong and you embarrass yourself in front of everyone
7- you haven't talked to your friend for a while and are afraid that maybe they've 'forgotten' you but cant find the courage to try and talk to them because maybe they aren't talking to you on purpose and they're tired of you and you'll only annoy them
8- you want to go to the movies but your only friend is busy so you tell yourself you didnt even want to see that movie that much so its okay
9- you buy new clothes only to realize that maybe they're too different from your usual style and people will judge you so you just keep them in your closet and tell yourself you'll eventually wear them but you never do
10- you get your hair cut and are afraid that people will think it looks weird or that someone will compliment you on it because you dont know how to respond to compliments even though they make you happy
12- you're afraid to dress up because people might think you're trying too hard
13- you want to hug/kiss someone but you're too afraid to do it because they may think you're being weird or reject you
14- you're afraid someone already said all of this and people will think you're just repeating what others posted and you'll be criticized for it

I think i wrote too much, sorry

You rush to put rubbish out and hope no one sees you
You would do anything to avoid social engagement
Excessively plan even small outings
Feel as though you are very boring
Feel that people find you odd
You are on the outside looking in
Relived to get home
A procrastinator
Understated
Over explain and complicate things
Very anxious and flustered when people come to your home
Often in a dream world
feel deprived if you don't get time on your own

-- Sun Dec 06, 2015 4:34 pm --

You rush to put rubbish out and hope no one sees you
You would do anything to avoid social engagement
Excessively plan even small outings
Feel as though you are very boring
Feel that people find you odd
You are on the outside looking in
Relived to get home
A procrastinator
Understated
Over explain and complicate things
Very anxious and flustered when people come to your home
Often in a dream world
feel deprived if you don't get time on your own

Ninibear wrote:... you'd rather starve than interact with people to buy food

Damn, that hit close to home. I had this happen in college when I had to eat at the cafeteria. I had a couple of weekends of starvation in a single semester because there were days I couldn't mentalize myself to deal with people, so I figured hunger was much more bearable.

You make it all the way to finals week, and you still have a chance of passing, but then you don't even take your final exams? You just walk away, like you always do, because you can't handle the humiliation and the imperfection anymore (and because something pretty devastating happened), and you can't care about your future. And you try to handle it on your own, by just sleeping for 12 hours every day, and just hiding inside the computer like you usually do?

You're having a nice quiet day off, alone at home of course, and you open an email from your friend who lives a couple blocks away. He says a bunch of people, most of whom you know are over and why don't you stop by?

Why don't I stop by? Should I list the reasons? That would take all afternoon.

Somehow, just getting that invitation makes me anxious and a little angry. It's not like he knows I even saw the email, so why do I picture them all sitting there saying "Where's Marcus? He's only around the corner. Maybe we should go get him. And bring a battering ram in case he doesn't open his door."

Then I think, he knows I'm not likely to come by, so is he just being polite? In that case, he probably doesn't even care if I come by or not. Why not? Why doesn't anyone ever want me around?

It will be dark soon. Maybe I should kill the lights and sit in the dark in case they come looking for me...