Adult son has no friends, job, life; do I keep hands off??

Uhm, I just realized that her last reply was
Mon Apr 03, 2006 6:43 pm

Yes, this thread is for the benefit of others that may be in the same situation i guess.

Hopefully I didn't offend anyone with my previous reply? If not, then please just ignore this. : )

Maybe if I explained more it would clarify my intentions. Sometimes my words don't come out the way that I actually intend them to. : )

When I feel that a criticism is being made - I wonder about the source. Where it's coming from. I believe it makes a difference.

My reply came from my own experience. I have two kids. Once you have kids - your views on just about everything completely changes. You are now totally responsible for another human being's every need. Their future is in your hands. Once you're in the situation yourself you see a lot more that just wasn't apparent before. It's the same for AvPD. No one can possibly realize all that a person goes through without being avoidant themselves.

I'm avoidant and have had depression for most of my life. I have impacted my kids' lives in a negative way without wanting or intending to many times. They missed out on a lot because of me. It hurts to know that. But I honestly do the best I can. I know their lives are infinitely better than my own childhood. But yet it's still not perfect. I've failed at being a social role model. My depression has brought down the mood of my entire home at times. I thought if I told them about my depression it would make them feel weird or strange. Maybe they would feel like I was crazy - so they are crazy too. I thought if I surround them with happiness and positivity they will be happy and positive. I would try to fake it and pretend to be happy for their sake. But kids have a way of knowing when you're not being genuine. It caused a lot of issues to come up. And I've now learned that being open and talking with your kids about most things is better.

I also understand more about my childhood. There are some things that are obvious to most people about parenting. You don't surround your kids with drugs and alcohol. Well obvious or not my parents did it. It's hard to forgive for that. But there were other things that I have been able to understand more because of my own experiences. There is a long line of depression on both sides in my family. Both of my parents were struggling with it and were suicidal. They also came from bad childhoods themselves.

It's hard to be a parent and know the exact course of action to take sometimes. You sometimes can't see what the result of a decision might be. If you don't have the best training or role models it makes it even worse. Plus since I know that there's a genetic history for depression in my family. I know that no matter what I do. My kids are susceptible. They may be unhappy and I could have done nothing to prevent it.


I hope that this explains a little more of what I was trying to say. If not please let me know. And if I'm seeing offense when it wasn't there. Then I blame it all on my AvPD.

H~

Hopefully I didn't offend anyone with my previous reply? If not, then please just ignore this.

Is ignoring this the best way to convey the lack of offence your post caused me?

The dynamics of forum posting can be very different from conversations..try not to let any situation which arises faze you too much.

"Is ignoring this the best way to convey the lack of offence your post caused me?"

I knew I was going to like you Baz.




Thanks.
H~

Guest wrote:Then its obvious you dont care nor love your child if youre not willing to do action and make his life better.. hence kicking him out. everyone needs to grow up.

If you where one of my parents, you would have lost a child. Please don't post things like that if you don't know what its like!

I'd have been dead (probably at my own hands) a long time ago.

I'd have killed my self for sure. Twice!

Barbara, being also 23 and avoidant, I would have to say that forcing him to do anything just gets things worse.
But, if he is anything like me, he eagers for socialization but has low self esteem. My mother and father never showed openly they loved me. Maybe that could help.

I know it's been a long time since Barbara posted about her 23 year old son but I was amazed when I read your account as you could easily be talking about my son. Its uncanny how similar they sound. Tidy. Maths science. Not wanting to share any results etc. Just wondering if you found any help or useful info and how is your son now? I would love to hear from you. Fay

I guess I'm similar to the son in this situation, although I have a stable job and plenty of income.

I tried the social life thing earlier in my 20s, but found myself too uncomfortable, too ugly, and too awkward to make anything work. I've had horrid acne and other skin problems. I blame my mother for this, and resent both my parents for it, and everything else I don't like about in life.

Eventually you adjust to be alone, find an equilibrium, and go on.

Wow this post is old! I am sure one way or another the problem is resolved by now. I'm independent with a family myself, but I often long for the days of being isolated living at home. I didn't know how good things were back then. Being out in the world and having to deal with everyday crap is too much to handle, but once you are there and others are depending on you, you have no choice but to carry on. Very painful and stressful.