Growing up, do you recall feeling "invisible"?

What I mean is feeling invisible mainly around family...

I remember throughout my early teens when being at family get togethers, when I tried to speak up and either join in a conversation or just say something, whatever I said fell on deaf ears....it's as if no one had heard me. That would really bring me down and make me feel unimportant, as if I really didn't have anything good to say and should just keep my mouth shut.

Over the years, I got into drugs and was, I guess a problem for my parents with getting into trouble and doing drugs. Gradually I started avoiding the extended family and to this day (I'm 25) never show up for family get togethers anymore as I really don't feel wanted...I just tell my parents that I have nothing in common with anyone there and that when they speak I have nothing to say and I'm not paid any attention to anyway. Since I match all traits of AvDP, I always have in the back of my head that maybe it's just my shyness and irrational thinking all these years that led me to feel that way. For example I think maybe I just wasn't speaking loud enough and wasn't heard because of it....things like that.

Just curious, is this something any of you can relate to?

I'm kinda half and half.

On the one hand, I've always been able to talk with my family on a casual level. I don't feel left out in that respect, although I often get interrupted and spoken over in social situations in general. I get teased about that by outsiders who find it amusing sometimes.

As far as talking about anything beyond casual, then I had problems. My mum did try hard, but she has pretty bad problems with emotion, so we learnt that practical matters were all that could really be discussed. I tended to suffer because of my avoidant nature. This weakness was not approved of and would usually be resoloutely ignored or, on the occasions I finally got attention, berated. So in that sense I was often ignored because I wasn't really liked.

Avoidant fears often come into it though. I think we at least tend to exaggerate people's negative (or non-existent) reactions towards us. I think we all too often just accept them because we believe we are faulty and people will always be like that with us, rather than attempting to build more positive communication.

Yes, I remember feeling that way quite a bit (especially at family gatherings); still do.

I do think that my fear of rejection and timid nature are at fault many times (mainly with people outside my family). Sometimes, people take me as being stuck up or snobish, and people are always telling me to speak up or leaning in to hear me too.

yeah, definitely.
Mostly because their family theres the added stress that theyll always be there, no matter how much you hate each other.
Partly also because i expect people to start up convos with me, instead of vica versa, and they never do because i look so agitated.

i think most people just talk too loud, it's their fault, not mine. it'll take some kind of miracle for me to have the guts to actually say anything, and then when i do, nobody hears anyway, and i feel really stupid for even trying. i guess the less i say, the less they'll get to know me, which is a good thing, anyway, because if they know what i'm really like they'll hate me. if people would stop being so obnoxious and horrible, maybe people like us would actually be heard.

Thats so true nina, i hate loud people. Especially when they arguing, they talk louder as if its gonna make them right. They so stupid, but ignorance is bliss ya?
And i hate when people tell you to speak up, cause i was born with a f*cked up voice box or something i cant actually speak loud. Well, next time someone tells me to speak up, ill kick their nuts, actions speak louder than words anyway.

LOL Fred that's funny. Oh I don't think you should kick them

NINA I completely agree and feel the same...I always sit there quietly for a long time just wondering what to say, do I even fit in, and then when I finally work up the courage to say something, I'm not heard and it makes me feel completely worthless and useless. I don't even really like to small talk these days I sometimes get irritated when someone tries to have a meaningless conversation with me.

Yeah, when I was a kid I used to often get frustrated around family. But for me, it was because I felt like I could never get a word in edge-wise, so I learned to talk really fast to get something in during the pauses.

Now I don't really feel that way around fanily. But in general, I have this feeling of invisibility and it drives me nuts. Recently, I have been getting really angry about it.

I have a perfect example today. I saw my boss leave when I was getting in the elevator for work. He was talking to someone while he was getting off and I was getting on. I was the only one getting on, and I waved, and he didn't even notice me. Big deal, eh, sometimes you are so into a conversation you don't notice anything. But I automatically felt invisible, and ignored. It totally brought up this old feeling of being insignificant, and I HATE it. It's my own perception.

I am not assertive, and I tend to come from the standpoint that everyone else deserves the right to speak first, and then and only then, if I have something new to say and if others are listening, then I can speak. Otherwise I feel like it's my job to be invisible. I frigging hate it. Today I felt like screaming because I am so tired of being like this.

But I guess the good thing is that I am aware that I have this perception and assertiveness problem. If I can work on being more assertive and on improving my sense of worth then I can recover from this b.s.

Well, next time someone tells me to speak up, ill kick their nuts, actions speak louder than words anyway.

Friedpiper, that made me laugh out loud!

Yeah, this happens to me all the time.

Trence, at least you believe that it's your own perception. When I'm sitting in the corner of a room, looking out at everyone else ... socializing? I'm nearly positive that they can't see me. I think this is partially because I tend to wear dark colors and dress conservatively - mostly not looking very tuned-in to what's around me. But it happens every time. Within a week of knowing a group, I don't even exist.

Question for the group: When did you first realize that you were so sensitive?

Not around family. I have felt invisible at parties (as a child and as an adult), at work. I went to my 20th high school reunion a few years ago - hardly anyone even knew who I was. I don't mean they didn't recognize my face; I look pretty much the same. My name and face meant nothing to them. One person assumed I must have been a transfer as a senior. Nope - I was there all 4 years, and came from a grade school in the area, so some students would have been around me before high school, too. As an adult, I've had people walk past me and later deny that I was present, or be startled when they suddenly realize I'm present and must have been for awhile before they noticed. I can't say I've ever felt that way around family, though.

Me too! After being away from my old school for only a few months, I can safely email someone who's been in my class for the past seven years, and have them interrogate me in case I'm a stalker.

I also have followed people from two feet behind for periods of as much as twenty minutes - when they turn around to reach they're destination - they get kind of freaked out - "oh, hello - didn't know that you were there!". In a particularly guarded way as well - almost wondering - "is she, is she stalking me?" (almost) as well as - "I must be getting deaf".

Hm, that was a long post. I really didn't need to rant, or anything.