Friendships?

So I been thinking as of late about friendships and wondering what really makes someone with AvPD seek out friendships if at all and what do they value in friendships over someone who is say more normal or secure about themselves and not having AvPD? Well I too often wonder what is a good friendship vs a bad friendship and what values should one base friendships on? How do you know if someone is really your friend or if they are just someone who uses you for their own self benefit or punching bag?

I think of some of the friendships I have but its kind of pathetic that the only people I know are online and live thousands of miles away... I don't honestly know anyone who lives near me or in my country even. Yeah it sounds pathetic but its true. The online friendships I do have I think of as real friendships for myself although I find myself also want to do things with these people sometimes its not really going to happen unless I spend money to make it happen and then you know its the uncertainty of if these people really want the friendship in person.

I just wonder what you all value in friendships and what types of friendships you have? I would say as far as values go in friendship I only tend to really find people who are interested in talking to me and whom tend to make my days a bit better or provide some feedback into my character and keep up with me about things in life. Ah this is kind of pathetic to even ask but oh well..

I just wonder what you all value in friendships

Someone I can trust, accepts my oddities and doesn't mind if I disappear for extended periods of time. I also like people who can either talk non stop or are the opposite and don't mind long silences.

...and what types of friendships you have?

None, I don't have any. The only people I have regular contact with are family that i live with and people from work.

Hehe sounds like me too! I do got some people I talk to online and one I see as a friend I guess. I just feel though as far as people I know in person well nobody. My co workers are just that co workers whom I do not associate or see outside of work. My family well I know them all but do not talk much to them.. I keep to myself.. besides my family is a bit dysfunctional but now days who's isn't?

and doesn't mind if I disappear for extended periods of time

That sounds like one of my best friends, he does that and then feels really guilty about it. I never really have the tendency to do that with my close friends, but still I understand why he does that and I don't mind. He feels so guilty about it though, I can't help myself but teaseh im about it whenever he returns after a few days

Anyway, I'm actually blessed to have a few close friends. I met most of them in therapy. One of my best friends is an extremely kind soul who I met years and years ago who decided to stick by me. she's the rare kind of person that is truly capable of not judging people, and she's able to like people no matter what. Unfortunately, this goes at the expense of herself sometimes.

I think what I need most in other people is for them to understand my social anxiety. I usually start avoiding potential friends at the point where I notice they aren't able to understand what it means to be this uncomfortable with people. It's scary because I know that they're psychologically wired to judge me for how much I can stand up for myself and be confident towards others.

Sorry for the long post (and bad English)

I dont have friends in my life. I have 1 friend somewere else. Otherwise they are too much mental work. I have enough issues of my own to deal with someone elses around me
I prefer people i associate with like at work. Even my brothers are people i associate with ocassionly.
But to me a friend would respect the way i think and talk. Not mind how i look and vis versus.
I've dont think i've meet more than 3 people in my life who can handle a person like me nor anyone i can handle more than 15 minutes at a time.

I don't have even a friend left anymore and this "friend seeking" subject is very controversial in my head. This because whenever I sense someone can possibly have some sort of interest, I push him/her away. Even when I "seek" interest on the eyes of other, if the answer is yes I'll make a distance again. Asking me if I want at least a friend I'll say okay but from wanting to actually pass through all that storm and find one is very complicated (for me at least).

I mostly have friends through work. I wanted to explain first I am kind of a low grade AVPD. So no one should be upset that I have them. I would say on a scale of 1-10 I am like a 2 on the AVPD scale.

I have one super good friend. Lisa. She accepts me completely and she is always there for me when I need her. I would say she is MY friend in that, she is the only one I have. But, she is an amazing friend and she may have 15 or 16 friends. Sometimes I feel she feels bad for me. But she is the only person in the world that I can call when I need help and she will be there for me. I have told her in small little ways but fear freaking her out.

I know about 30 people and I would imagine about 29 feel they are my friends. But to me.. they are "users" I have to put up with. I even classify my brother as that. He only uses me for what he wants and then drops me like a hot potato. I though i had a friend who helped me buy a home, but when all the work of the home came up after she pushed me to buy the home, she lost interest. Now I am saddled with home at her urging and she acts as if she owes me nothing.

Even on line, I have kind of been "catfished" a few times. Not romantically but the person on the other end was drastically different than they said they were and much of what they said in response to my dilemmas turned out to be 100% about them and their goals and not actual friendship.

Wow you say you been catfished a few times and only to find out the other person was not how they claimed to describe themselves and really just out for themselves.. gosh people sure are selfish these days.. oh wait I thought that was us AvPD people.. but yeah you know I just think it must hurt a lot to find that out and I am sorry you went through that. It has happened to me too and it hurt some but at least now I know what to better look out for in the future!

Beyonder wrote:Wow you say you been catfished a few times and only to find out the other person was not how they claimed to describe themselves!

Yes I went to grad school and i met a co-student on line. When we got there he was real and we went to school together, and we were in study group, but he presented himself as single and never mentioned otherwise. We weren't romantic but we did all kinds of things together. Two years after departing school we kept in touch and down the bottom of an e-mail was a link to his webpage, where I found his wife and 4 kids. His wife was like one of those sister wive types with the weird dress. I gently asked him about it and I never heard from him again. There goes a three year relationship with someone *I* thought it knew.

Now I found out that someone who runs a blog who I talked to might actually have serious issues. We talked from time to time and I thought she was a friend but, because I knew her before starting the blog, turns out that 1/2 the world talked with her and thought she was their friend. When I poured out my heart to her about things she would always answer with like a glib short line. I thought she was insensitive but now I just realize she was busy. Why was she always so accommodating? Money, the more fans she had, the more people on her facebook, the more endorsements from corporations. I was just another fan, although I bought it hook line and sinker that I was a good friend. But it turns out that she may be a loony tune herself.

SaraShaw wrote: We weren't romantic but we did all kinds of things together. Two years after departing school we kept in touch and down the bottom of an e-mail was a link to his webpage, where I found his wife and 4 kids. His wife was like one of those sister wive types with the weird dress. I gently asked him about it and I never heard from him again. There goes a three year relationship with someone *I* thought it knew.

Damn.. that's ###$ up :/ Three years is s long time to know someone too, long enough to feel close and connected.
Sorry those things had to happen to you.