AvPD and Austim-Spectrum- How do Avies cope?

So as I have alluded to on another post (feel like I'm spamming here ), I've been seeing this guy, and at first I thought my AvPD was just being exacerbated by a sudden showing of interest from someone, which clearly I felt extremely uncomfortable with. I'm trying hard to become more comfortable with it, and it's very much about the eye-contact (which I am generally able to handle from people overall). He had mentioned being on the Autism-spectrum, but being so self-centred, alarm bells did not really ring for me, because the social aspect doesn't really seem to be a problem, particularly because he engages in frequent eye-contact.

However, my problem is the eye-contact, it is excessive, I know some people may like it, because they feel it shows interest, but this is exactly why I don't like it. I'm trying my best to tolerate it, but most of the time I get so uncomfortable I have to tell him to stop, otherwise I often start dissociating. On reflection, I realise that this is more to do with him being ASD, and when I request he does stop, but a short time later he will go back to doing it. He has said that when I avoid eye-contact and eventually tell him to stop makes him feel unworthy and undesirable, which I understand, and it is definitely not my intention of making him feel upset, so I'm really trying to work out ways of coping with this. We are pretty open about this, so although the situation is desirable and supposedly progress for me, I'm just really struggling at the moment. I am talking to my psychiatrist about it, and planning to start therapy soon, but for now, I am just wondering how others with AvPD might view or deal with such a situation.

I guess I'm wondering how do those with AvPD cope with those on the Autism-spectrum? How do you cope with eye-contact and the positive attention without running away/ dissociating?

I don't have any experience in dealing with people with autism, so I can't really comment on that.

With the eye contact issue with normal people I find I do a couple of things. The first is that when they are talking to me I just stare at their eyes, the downside to this though is that I'm so focused on thier eyes that I miss half of what they are saying. When I'm talking I don't make much I eye contact, I either look down to my side or stare at something else.

I also have noticed that to fully listen to what someone is saying I have to look at their mouth to fully absorb what they are saying. Either that or no eye contact at all.

I try my best to adjust my behaviour to seem normal, even though it' stressful.

I don't know if this would help, but my first thought was 'Could you wear sunglasses?' I think they can act as a good defence from too much eye contact. (If you're worried he might find it rude, you could ask him if he would mind.) Maybe in time you will feel more comfortable with him, and won't need to wear them.

tlepS drawkcaB wrote:With the eye contact issue with normal people I find I do a couple of things. The first is that when they are talking to me I just stare at their eyes, the downside to this though is that I'm so focused on their eyes that I miss half of what they are saying. When I'm talking I don't make much I eye contact, I either look down to my side or stare at something else.

I also have noticed that to fully listen to what someone is saying I have to look at their mouth to fully absorb what they are saying. Either that or no eye contact at all.

Yes, looking into people's eyes has helped, but as you say it's hard to moderate this whilst actively listening. I used to always watch people's mouths, partly because I struggle to understand people's speech at times, but was often teased about this, so I try to avoid doing it. To be honest, in this case, I can barely look in his direction let alone his face

javert wrote:I don't know if this would help, but my first thought was 'Could you wear sunglasses?' I think they can act as a good defense from too much eye contact. (If you're worried he might find it rude, you could ask him if he would mind.) Maybe in time you will feel more comfortable with him, and won't need to wear them.

Oh yes, this is a great defense, and one I use all the time! Sadly, he finds them really distracting and quite upsetting, I think because he can't gauge my emotions as well with them on, so I am trying to work on taking them off sometimes when he asks (or its nighttime). It is getting slightly better, but I still have this overwhelming desire to block my eyes somehow

Here’s another suggestion that I don't know if it will help...I prefer not sitting/standing directly opposite to people. I prefer to sit at a right angle to them. That way there are natural breaks from eye contact because the other person and I can stare ahead instead of at each other. I also like activities which give extraneous details to focus on. For example, I like to go on walks on dates. When you're walking, there's plenty of reason to look ahead and around at your environment, and if there are any awkward silent moments, there's often something in your surroundings that can start a conversation topic. (It also makes for a very cheap date! You can make it more fun by packing a picnic or walking to a particular destination with plans to do something when you get there.)

It kind of interesting people with ASD stare too much or too little and some of them focus on mouth rather than eyes. I think the need of eye contact for ASDs deals more with obedience of learnt social rules than being connected with each other. Maybe you should explain that with you and your issues having good eye contact is in this particular case is actually counterproductive.

My problems with eye contact comes from lack of stereo vision and emotional side.