High level Autism or something else?

Hi phone - First, I want to apologize if this is not the correct forum to post this. But I was not sure where else to start.

I have a brother-in-law with "Problems". I say it that way because the parents have never gotten him tested. He is my wife's brother and she does not want to be around him if at all possible.

Let me give you some examples:

He was living at his parents house in suburban Phoenix. While the parents moved to Las Vegas, he made a promise that he would keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. When we stopped one day to check on the house, the bathroom and kitchen were not clean. The bathroom was really gross. I mean "gross" to the point where the toilet was brown. During previous visits, I fought all urges to THAT bathroom. When the bathroom got to the point of being that gross, the son decided to go over to the parents master bathroom and start to use that - even though he promised he would not do that. He was also somehow making the shower stall turn black.

When he moved to Las Vegas, this person stayed with the other brother. He started to do the same thing there - bath tub turning black, toilet turning brown. When the bathroom he was using started to get too nasty, he tried using the bathroom his brother used and had to be told to stay away from that. Once again, a promise made and a promise broken.

He has lived his life to a point where there have been bugs in his room and dished piled up a foot and a half high in the kitchen sink. The parents gave us this nice refrigerator..or I should say, it was nice after cleaning all the shelves of grease, drip marks from syrup, etc.

Part of the problem is he does not know what a consequence is when he does something wrong. For a while, the parents had a case of depression and seem to let everything he did slide while my wife, (a straight A student, very bright person) always got the brunt of the punishment when it came to minor things or general negative commentary for not "being perfect".

He does not seem to care how he lives, he does not care about how he treats other people's property. He freeloads off his parents to the point where the parents have issues paying their bills on time. They are always bailing him out and he has no concept of what it is doing to his folks. Yet, they won't punish him (Unlike- my wife being thrown out because she was dating someone years ago they didn't like.)He has no friends and currently lives in a condo in Las Vegas that the parents had. He lies to get his way and due to that, has no concept what a promise is.

My question is - could this be a high level of autism or could it be a form of sociopath where he doesn't care, doesn't have feelings, etc. I know he is seeking treatment, but one of my concerns is because the parents never got him diagnosed, they don't know what is up with him, but still defend him and run interference for him and make everyone around this person almost a second-class citizen.

Another concern is that my wife & I have a 2 1/2 year old and though we don't see this person a lot, I don't like him being around our son - even in a room filled with people. I don't even want him in our house because I am concerned with the damage and with a new baby on the way, not sure I want to deal with it.

I know this is difficult, but can someone give me a clue either way whether this is autism or sociopath-like tendancies?

Real quick - sorry about any typos....I am seeing a bunch and not usually this bad!

i'm inclined to think autism, personally, if those are the only two choices.

i remember reading a blog about a child with reactive attachment disorder, who appeared to live in a similar manner to your brother in law, albeit being about 10 years old. the child was a textbook case of conduct disorder or latent psychopathy and the blog chronicled his life in care - the difference (from your BiL)was that despite the child's obvious failings (almost zero impulse control, chronic ataraxia and lack of empathy) he was still capable of blending in through mimicry and adaption, which he learnt, growing up in a psychiatric unit under constant surveillance. autism is more of an inability to adapt and blend in, once it gets to a certain level, and if he's incapable of looking after himself at what i assume is an adult age, then the most logical assumption is ASD.

though it could be that he's just a dirty oul man.

I can relate. From the point of view of the one with the possible autism.
Since I was a child, I have been unable to understand the gravity of what I did. As I got older, the problem continued. Paying bills, rent, staying at a job, how I treated others and their property, etc, all the things most people put importance to, never seemed to matter to me.
I have been diagnosed as a few things due to this: bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, borderline psychotic.
All I can say for sure is that I fail to see the world as everyone else does, and it has severely hindered my ability to make changes to my life, which sucks.
So, the only advice I can offer is have this person diagnosed, then treated and, whatever they turn out to have, be as sympathetic as possible. It is not their fault; it is a medical condition they were most likely born with.
I know the sympathy can be hard when they're driving you up a wall, but believe me, if more people were sympathetic to me, it would make enduring this condition a whole lot easier.

@danscott - Dan - thanks for the response.
It is hard to endure this person. He takes and take and takes. Takes money, takes advantage, plays helpless all the time. He would financially bankrupt everyone if he could, then get upset when we had nothing left to give him.
My wife said at one time that his moods are so dark, it is a good thing the parents didn't keep weapons around the house. He may have gone to school and done something really bad - similar to a Columbine. And it doesn't help that he has not been tested because we don't know what is truly wrong and the parents won't make him. The parents use their nose as a guide just keep doing the same thing over and over and over.
Just do not want to be stuck caring for this person when he does nothing to help himself in any way.

Hi! I'm dealing with a brother in law with "problems" too. His diagnosis is foggy at best to me. My boyfriend said that when he was diagnosed as a child there wasn't autism so they just said he was "slow". Now, he's not dumb. He's smart, and he's smart enough to use his illness to his advantage and take advantage of everyone. I know that people with autism do have a lack of social skills and lack of empathy, but to varying degrees. My brother in law "Joe" steals, but he waits until we are gone to do it. So that tells me right there he knows it's wrong...the moral compass isn't missing, it's just broken. We are dealing with an adult who acts like a teenager over here. He steals, lies, takes advantage, etc... I feel for you and the family. I actually just wrote a REALLY long reply to your post but hit some wrong button and it vanished, so this is my condensed reply. I'm no expert but It sounds to me like your brother in law has high functioning autism.
I know how frustrating it is to deal with...Joe just stole all the money out of our baby's piggy bank, which was graciously filled by all my friends and family at his baby shower with WAY more than change... I'm so pissed. I came here looking for some support as well to deal with this disease. I'm trying to look for some positive activities to get Joe involved in so he will have less time to plunder through our things and help himself to them. Oh yeah, and apply for credit cards and order all kinds of stuff from the internet... I don't know if you pray or not, but I do, and I find that it helps.

@HM - Thanks for the response. My bro-in-law is not dumb either. But he makes it difficult to want to help him.
When he was living in the parents house (The parents moved to Las Vegas and let him stay to wind down his job and such) he was supposed to keep the house clean. Well, when his bathroom got real dirty, instead of cleaning it, he just started to use his parents bathroom. And when the parents gave us a nice refrigerator that was at their house, we spent an hour cleaning it because it was dripping stuff and just all around dirty/disgusting.
When the house had to be sold via a "shortsale", the realtor called and told my father-in-law he couldn't even sell the house through the shortsale route because of the bathrooms and kitchen. My wife & I had to pay to get the house clean so my in-law could get out from under that house. But, I will never forget the look on the faces of the people who came to clean it when they saw the bathroom - they were horrified when they saw it.
When the in-laws were talking about it a few years ago, their reasoning for not pushing or anything like that is that they didn't want to push him away. Yet, they let him get away with wonton destruction of belongings and property.
He (we will call him "Bob") even stayed at my other brother-in-laws (we will call him "Gene") house who was already up in Las Vegas. He started to do the same stuff up there and the parents "Went stupid" - they let him damage the Gene's brothers house. When Gene tried to deal with it before Bob moved in, the parents got upset because of certain rules they didn't like.

@hm
Hi! I'm dealing with a brother in law with "problems" too. His diagnosis is foggy at best to me. My boyfriend said that when he was diagnosed as a child there wasn't autism so they just said he was "slow". Now, he's not dumb. He's smart, and he's smart enough to use his illness to his advantage and take advantage of everyone. I know that people with autism do have a lack of social skills and lack of empathy, but to varying degrees. My brother in law "Joe" steals, but he waits until we are gone to do it. So that tells me right there he knows it's wrong...the moral compass isn't missing, it's just broken. We are dealing with an adult who acts like a teenager over here. He steals, lies, takes advantage, etc... I feel for you and the family. I actually just wrote a REALLY long reply to your post but hit some wrong button and it vanished, so this is my condensed reply. I'm no expert but It sounds to me like your brother in law has high functioning autism.
I know how frustrating it is to deal with...Joe just stole all the money out of our baby's piggy bank, which was graciously filled by all my friends and family at his baby shower with WAY more than change... I'm so pissed. I came here looking for some support as well to deal with this disease. I'm trying to look for some positive activities to get Joe involved in so he will have less time to plunder through our things and help himself to them. Oh yeah, and apply for credit cards and order all kinds of stuff from the internet... I don't know if you pray or not, but I do, and I find that it helps

HM - you ever think about getting this person tested again? Now a days, they have names and treatments for people, vs. labels from "back in the day". I have told my wife that when her parents are gone, before he gets any support from us, he will be tested or we don't help at all. If you know exactly what he has, you may be able to "direct" him vs. guessing, to a degree.

Hi David. OK, here's what I'm thinking. You need to talk to your brother in law. He sounds like he at least tries to deal with the problem. You guys should set up an appointment for him at a place that does thorough testing and get a diagnosis. The parents sound too emotionally blinded to be helpful. I need to talk to my boyfriend and we NEED to find out what we are dealing with. Joe's problems are becoming more and more of a problem to the rest of the family, so I don't think they'll fight me when I suggest we get him tested again. Maybe there is some kind of therapy or medication available. He may not want to go to the doctor, but if everyone tells him he has to, he will. I know you are at your wits end, but maybe you just need to speak up as an 'outsider' to the immediate family, just like I need to. What do you think?

Dear HM -
The idea is a great idea. And I know the parents have suggested it to the "Bob", but he refuses to be tested. I am of the attitude, lets find out what is up, get medication if available, learn how to channel properly and take it from there. Also, there may be state or federal aid available. My attitude is also that "Bob" has many years on this planet, they should be as "clear" as possible. But the parents are sooooo afraid that making the suggesion of going to the doctor repeatedly will push him away and him distant. I have told my wife that when her parents are gone, before "Bob" gets dime #1 in support, he gets tested or he gets nothing. I won't flush money down the toilet (Though he is short on cash, he always has gadgets, or other expensive things) nor will I ask my family, child and future child to sacrifice so that can blow on whatever he wants. The parents also run interference for "Bob", so any suggestion or comment regarding responsibility or whatever, the parents get upset. The parents know "Bob" is not my favorite person.
I know my wife and the "Gene" (the other brother) have the makings of a plan when the parents are gone - mainly, "if you don't do what we ask you, you will not get our financial help." (AKA - Rude awakening)
Part of the issue is the parents are kind of "out there" as well.