Neurodiversity and hypersexuality

I'm really hoping I can get some advice here because I'm approaching the end of my tether

My partner is neurodiverse and in 95% of our marriage that's not a problem. I'm able to understand and support her. There's nothing I'd change about her there. The problem is her relationship with sex.

Right from the start of our relationship, we've had problems communicating in this area. She doesn't really want to talk about it and has a very low sex drive. But occasionally, things will change and she will become very keen. Sadly, for her this manifests as a desire to go to clubs, sex parties etc etc. She has told me that she would like to be able to enjoy this as part of an open relationship but

1) I really don't want an open relationship, and

2) she has very little filter. Having talked to her about her past experiences, they seem reckless to the point of dangerous (multiple partners, failed BDSM expeiments with incompetent people, way too much alcohol.) Certainly, she involved herself with untrustworthy people.

3) In our normal life, she seems keen to understand my needs and values, and accepts them. But when she becomes interested in sex, she doesn't seem willing to understand my views or feelings at all - she will push and push until she gets a reaction so dramatic she can recognise how strongly I feel (which isn't great because my responses can be self destructive.)

I've tried and failed to explain how I feel about this, and I'm not sure there's much left except leaving. I don't think she would want that at all, but I'm not seeing many other options.

Anyone with experience in this area?

Hello and welcome!

I've approved your post in the forum you aimed it at. but I'm interested in knowing what flavor of neurodiverse we're talking about- it might be better placed in another forum. Which I can easily do and I'll leave a link to it from here, as well.

My partner is mildly autistic, with issues around identifying expressions (sometimes she has to ask 'is that your angry voice?') hypersensitivity to touch, hyperfocus. But I don't have the technical background to know much more than her symptoms.

From the perspective of a moderator I'm in the position of trying to decide where this would get the most attention. I've moved it to Significant others, and now I think I'll go ahead and hazard a move to Autism, to hear from other Neurodiverse individials (not something we always allow, as moderators) with a shadow (link) still in Significant Others, Friends & Family. That gives it double exposure. I think one of those will be more productive than the original destination. I know you're trying to save this relationship.

We don't allow same topic to run concurrently in multiple forums, but if in a few weeks not much happens here, a post back in Sexual Disorders NOS would be fine. I just think you'll get more going on the way I've set it up. We'll see.

Personally, I've read that as a group, neurodiverse types tend to have a higher percentage of individuals with an alternate sexuality, than neurotypicals. I seem to be just the NT side of Asperger's and I can kind of see that- I'm all over the place sexually. But I've understood that observation on sexualities in the context of sexual orientation... as far as behaviours I can't really say.

Thanks, I'll happily accept your guidance about the best place to have this. As you've said, I'm trying to save this relationship and anything I can find out which will help me understand this aspect of her behaviour is very gratefully received.