Advice/tips to better communicate with immature ADHD husband

My husband, 24, has ADHD, mommy issues, a deep fear of abandonment, bad attention seeking behaviors, and a sex addiction. He's been coddled and sheltered his whole life, and never had to worry about being an adult or taking responsibility. Point blank, he's childish and immature, and he also uses porn to escape his problems.

I'm 29 with BPD, and I need a responsible mature man in my life. When I try to talk out our problems, he just flat out doesn't listen. He takes all the key words and phrases, and forms a concept he can understand and often completely misses the point. If he doesn't understand, he will just agree with me to avoid looking "stupid" instead of asking what I meant. He also lies when he wants to do something he knows is wrong.

Some of the things he does, I can't help but blow up and start screaming at him like a child, or taking a condescending tone.

If you're wondering how or why I married him, the answer is simple. He does know how to be an adult, and chooses not to be one. He had me fooled. He always starts acting like an adult when people are watching, leaving everyone thinking I'm some nagging b***h.

I'm no angel, I have my own flaws, and he does put up with a lot from me. I'm trying. We do love each other and we both want this to work.

How can I help us to better understand each other? How can I get him to listen to me and stop lying? Yelling won't work and I am so tired of that kind of stress. I just want him to pay attention a little more.

Maybe you need to think of better ways to cope, instead of trying to change him so much, try to change the situation a little? Make more time for your friends, do projects together that you both enjoy, relax together, split up the chores/make some compromises with each other. Maybe you could see a marriage counselor too, if you think you both have issues you need to work out. A marriage is about 2 people, so blaming your husband for things isn't going to be constructive. I hope you guys work everything out

We were in couples therapy for about 4 months, now we can't afford it. My family all seems to think he's pretending not to understand so that I'll just take care of everything for him. I can't just not do it because then I will suffer. He's lazy and childish and it seem like when ever I "teach" him something he "forgets" is days later. I've had to teach him 12 times to make baked grilled cheese. How hard is it to make a cheese sandwich and bake it for 5 minutes on 450?

lovely_delusions wrote:Maybe you need to think of better ways to cope, instead of trying to change him so much, try to change the situation a little? Make more time for your friends, do projects together that you both enjoy, relax together, split up the chores/make some compromises with each other. Maybe you could see a marriage counselor too, if you think you both have issues you need to work out. A marriage is about 2 people, so blaming your husband for things isn't going to be constructive. I hope you guys work everything out

I never said I wanted to change him. I'm not blaming him for my problems. I'm saying he's causing me problems that I didn't have before because he doesn't take responsibility and acts like a child and treats me like a mommy. When he knows something is wrong, he asks for my permission before doing it. When he makes a mess or breaks something, he makes his autistic little brother fix it. When he wants to play a video game he makes his brother do his chores. When he wants something to eat, he raids the fridge, no matter who's house we're in, friends, family, or otherwise. When he doesn't want to take part in serious discussions, he pulls out his kindle. When we have friends over to watch movies, he takes phone calls right there on the couch. He walks around my parents house completely naked after showering. He walks in on me in the bathroom at his parents house then walks out and leave the door wide open. He tries to pressure me for sex in the bunk bed over his brother who doesn't sleep very well. We aren't able to live together ATM because of the economy. He lost his job and we had to move home 20 hours away and are having to each live with our own parents. We have 1 car and live 45 mins apart and he wants me to spend all the money I make buying him snacks and food when his parents can afford to feed him and when mine can't afford to feed me and still eat the food I buy for myself when they have enough for themselves. I need to be saving that money, but instead, I'm paying off debt he incurred buying books for his kindle through direct download. My name isn't even on that bank account, but as his WIFE, my paychecks are subject to garnishment for his debts.

Wow... thats a big long list of things you don't like. Does the good outweigh the bad? Cuz those seem like a lot of issues right there.

I would have left long ago if the answer was "no". I love him. I miss him when he's not around. He's there for me and puts up with my flaws. I can be myself around him. He encourages me and supports my dreams. And despite the fact that he honestly doesn't know me, he does understand me better than almost anyone else.

So, curiouskitsune, have you thought about what you want for you that you can do? What would you like to have for a relationship, that you can act on? Not that he doesn't have an problem or an issue, but if you want to stay with him, what can you do that would make things better. Obviously waiting for him to change isn't working, So, what is within your control at this point??

Why is this so hard for everyone to understand? I don't want him to change, I want him to take responsibility. Be an adult. Stop assuming that I will take care of everything.

I think what we are all saying is!

You have been waiting and wanting him to change.

That doesn't seem to be working.

You (no one) can make someone else change.

So, what are you willing to do, for yourself, to make life more satisfying for yourself.

If you continue to wait for him to change, you have a long wait. Obviously!

Take control of your own life and make the changes you want to see in your relationship.

"Waiting for the leaves to fall or the bus to come or the shoe to drop or the rain to stop" isn't gonna get you the life you want. It's coping out on a different level. Take charge gurl!

Be the change you want to see in your life. I assure you, I know what you are facing and I know it's hell and difficult and frustrating, but it's also Your Life.

Thom

Well I know that I'm already doing my part as far as being a wife and all. But I can't help but scream and belittle him. Some of the things he does a 12 year old knows and I have seen evidence that he just doesn't worry about certain things because he knows that they have to get done so *someone* will take care of it. People tell me to just let him fall and learn the hard way, but all the areas I'm referring to are areas where he isn't the only one to get hurt, and further, he usually isn't affected at all. It's looking like the only way to get him to realize what he's doing is to stay away completely, but whats the point in staying married if I play it that way? I've also come to realize that we have nothing in common. And with our work schedules we never see each other. The bottom line here is that he chooses not to take responsibility and be an adult because he knows other people will carry him. Wow. Maybe I should leave.