any advice?

I would like to ask a question about the son of my friend. As neither does she or anyone know how to treat him...

The kid is now 11 year old. As she stated, he didn't want to talk until three years old, and just did "a" for whatever he wanted, and that lasted until they didn't act like they do not understand him if he doesn't say what he wants, and then he started to talk fluently.
That kid was hyperactive yet as a child and didn't listen much. Even now he often behaves like a five year old kid. Problems were also in the family. Because the father was the drug addict and he had beaten their mother frequently, stealing all of their family money for his drugs... later they successfully divorced and he did go to treatment. Kids stayed with her. She also has older daughter. Problematic is that the little boy saw the father beating their mom, but he was around the age 3, so he couldn't understand that. Now as he is, he is unable to follow the program at normal school, and doesn't know how to socialize either.

He acts like he is really hyperactive, he has too much energy and finds football lessening his energy level enough so he can be tired. But that's not all. He has severe trouble with organizational skills, planning, a bit awkward motor movement, although he is good at sports. He misunderstands what you are saying to him often, he thinks very literally, has unusual humor, laughs at inappropriate times or sometimes doesn't laugh when everybody laughs. He doesn't like to change dress and would like to be every day in the same dress, not bothered by how dirty is he. He doesn't like to wash his hair and has a meltdown when he has to. He starts screaming, kicking, doesn't wanna go, says "I'll not wash my head, don't wash my head.." , as he'd been afraid of it. He doesn't like washing and hygiene either, nor does he understand a meaning of it, although loves to swim in a pool or the sea. He can't stand etiquette on dress and is sensitive to others screaming.

He doesn't know how to communicate, and frequently talks about the same things. Currently his interests are football, geography, cars and video games. He does know every country where it is and the capital city, he knows a lot about cars, remembers registration codes, knows many football teams, and a lot of players, often talks just about that or when he doesn't know what to say... but is not able to write a story, doesn't know to multiplicate, and has no fear of danger. His attention is bad, he often has temper tantrums and he is functional far behind his age... he doesn't know how to make a sandwich, doesn't know how to wash himself alone, sometimes needs help with dressing, has no good manual dexterity and can't organize himself, his time, his activities or do his homework without help. When he is tired he would argue if they are not at home. He would argue if he doesn't have anything to do. He frequently misunderstands what is logical and often doesn't know what to do. He'd just use computer or stare at TV all the time.

Also his socialization issues are pretty bad.. he doesn't know how to make friends, kids don't understand him, he is often excluded from company for being to rude and arrogant, he doesn't know how to explain some things, he doesn't really know how to play cooperatively... so he is now at special school, so he can at least follow the program with much help. What is the worst is his temper. He is prone to anger. He is often aggressive, and doesn't realize you don't think and perceive things like he does, nor does he know when he has hurt you and that punching and kicking hurts. So you have to tell him and he will say sorry then when you will explain it to him. He for sure doesn't remember it and you'll have to explain it to him over and over again. He just doesn't know how to give his anger out or how to regulate it. When he is angry, he will even slap his mom or sister. He frequently says bad words as "f**k up bi*ch" over and over again. When he doesn't know what to say in some situation, but often wants to talk much to get the attention, he will repeat some sentence often. He can remember the whole scenario from a show and he'll repeat it some time when he will want to. You have to tell him things like he'd be five years old and not eleven. As he grows up and he is reaching puberty, he is blunt about sex and such things... he doesn't know what's appropriate and what's not.

He will also often repeat the scenario from his father and will say the words his father used against his mom. When he is angry on her, he will use his father's words he remembers. And his actions and will kick the mom. I saw that frequently when I had a sleep-over there. He would treat his mom like his father did once. He is hungry frequently, he would just eat and eat and eat, and wants the money, although they don't have much money. And he will scream and treat that he will call his daddy, or even move to him if she doesn't give him the money to get himself a sandwich or an ice cream. As the parents are divorced, the kids have the right to see their father when they want to. So he frequently goes to him, almost every day, argues when he isn't allowed to go, and when he comes back he says "hey you bitch" to his mom and treats her for not caring for him enough. He often argues with his mom and treats her like her father did, repeating the same scenario as written above. He wants a lot of attention, even negative. He will scream and everything just to get it. He often criticizes his family and others, even friends, sometimes he did even me, for their mistakes or when he is annoyed by something, and he is straightforward. Good about him is that he can't lie (for now). That kind of scenario is played frequently at their home... he treats his mom and sister really badly when he feels he doesn't get much attention and this is not good for his future. He is worse when he comes from his father and he believes that everything is his moms fault and that his father is innocent. He usually complains that he'd like to go live with his father.
They don't know what to do.
This kid doesn't listen to directions, and he has severe trouble even at special school, besides that he is of normal intelligence.

What would you advice? How to treat him?

Hey,

I have seen this situation previously, both through stories on this website and in my hometown in Ireland. It is a very difficult situation to be involved in, but a common theme is for there to be no father. The father does not see the mother and boy anymore, right?; or at least he does not live with them? In the situation in Ireland, the mother was too nice to the boy and never became angry at him. Even if the boy kicked her and screamed at her, she would always forgive him. That is no way for a child to learn how to behave properly.

Something major will have to change. That is essential to realise. THis situation that your friend is involved in is very serious and will require a huge effort to get through. Certainly, no-one here can give you all the help that is needed. I suggest seeking advice from the special school that the boy attends. They might have contacts in other organisations that can help. In addition, if the boy genuinely does have ADHD, then it can be treated with drugs. THis would require going to the doctor (yes, even going against the boy's wishes to go).

That's all that I have to say. Others might have more to add to what I have written. I wish you the best of luck.

Kevin

This is a sort of off-the-wall response, but a lot of his symptoms are like those of an autism spectrum disorder.

The delayed speech, the clumsiness, the social issues, the repetition, the lack of inhibitions...

ADHD is a fairly common occurence in kids on the autism spectrum.

It may not be worth anything, but all that together really screams 'autism spectrum' to me.

Not an expert, just a momma of a boy with autism

I was in a similar situation with my son, (not as extreme but thats because there were interventions). My son is now 15. We split up from his psycho path father when he was 18 months old.

I can not undo the trauma of being a victim of violence of a psych path father. But I did mitigate by not tolerating any abusive behavior from my ex after we split. He never changed, and was never accountable for his behavior, and with every horrific move he made, I strategized to get him out of our lives for good. Unfortunatley, it took about 5 years, and by the time my son was six, he was in a more stable environment, I had remarried, etc. His rights were terminated, and we were all better off.

I can relate to a lot of developmental delays that I saw pervasive in my son throughout. It started out with my son, even as a baby, not engaging without great effort on my part. He was slow to talk, and when he did, was not very articulate. He was willful like you are describing, about the clothes, hygiene, etc. He had trouble reading, which lead to behavioral issues, and on and on.

The one single factor that helped out the most, was getting his natural father out of our lives.

So the first course of action would be for this kid to have some type of male role model. Keep the kid away from his psychotic father. Somehow, the mother has to be more firm with the boundaries, and he should not be able to up and leave to be with his dad when ever feels like it. Thats a recipe for disaster. Or maybe the mother should enroll in some type of therapy and develop some strategies on her own, and work on "attachment" issues she has with her son. This will make therapy more effective if she is able to get her son into therapy some day.

If he is 15 already, its still not too late. As long as he is not a socio path, and has the ability to love and care for others, (just maybe does not know how to communicate and articulate feelings, anger, resentment, etc) there is hope, but first the mother needs to change. She has to realize her power in steering the situation in the right direction. That is HUGE, and has more impact more so than she probably realizes.

I'm going to agree with runner4life here, it really does sound like he has some form of autism. Literal thinking, inappropriate social responses (laughing when he shouldn't/not laughing when he should), sensitivity to being touched by others (you didn't say anything specific but it seems like he might be uncomfortable in the shower because of the touching involved), delayed speech, impaired motor skills, difficulty with social skills and understanding other people, obsessive interest in specific topics (especially with the extreme detail he's gone into with his interests, such as remembering registration codes and memorizing countries/capital cities)...I could go on, but I think you'll see what I'm driving at.

It's definitely possible he has ADD/ADHD as well, but I would really be inclined to have him tested for an autism spectrum disorder. Obviously I can't provide you with a true diagnosis, but that's what seems most likely to me.