MY DAD TOOK MY MED AT 8 YEARS OLD TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME

I’m French Canadian, sorry for my English. Where to start. I don’t remember much of my childhood. What i recall i will post now. I am the second child of two. I have an older sister she is now 33. My mom was raised on a farm in a family of six. She says that their dad use to slap them with a tree branch and that she was abuse sexually by her older brother and protected by her younger (presently my dad company vice president). The family of my dad was more of a mess. My dad father was an alcoholic. He was very negative person, mean too. My dad don’t remember much of is childhood, he says. My mom told me he was abuse sexually by a uncle. His mom was pretty much in love with him. He was her favourite, i heard. She was saying he was going to be a preacher and idolize him. He was very intelligent, so bright that he jump to years of school. He was difficult and mean to his sister, mom says. His dad was saying to him going to be a nobody. He even took care of the insurance broker that came home, his dad was a plumber, wasn’t too good with numbers. Anyway, him and mom got married at 19, they are now 56.
At four, I told my parents that are guardian was molesting my sister and me. Has far as i know they didn’t call I’m back. I am not sure if this is normal but mom minimized any of the sexual abuse, anyway he was 15 mom said. . Before I was ten, I was having sexual relations with my sister, she was asking me to do her favours. My sister always been controlling of me when I was younger, until I was about 13 after that I started to be rebellious. I never really liked my sister when I was younger. She was putting the standards very high for me, being the perfect kid. She was loved by my parents. At 10 years old she was my parents therapist getting between them when fighting and solving their childish problems. Seriously, I don’t remember really remember my mom being happy. Around 8 i heard my dad say to my mom, you wanted this kid well you take care of it. Calling her names, treating her like crap. Since I could remember I was having nightmares of my dad putting my mom’s head in a meat grinder, disgusting...

But my sister never got the same treatment, it think shes the golden child, they were always proud of her, i think she had some difficult times handling all of this, but in majority, it wasn’t that bad for her. I always felt my sister didn’t like me. Probably because i was a difficult child, had problem with anger, lying and being an hyperactive kid. Or maybe because of my relation with my dad. Maybe to much attention from parents, buy only negative, maybe mom was too protective of me. Anyway she made my life difficult me trying to be has good as her and (loved) by my dad. My sister didn’t defend me much. i remember asking her too, but i guess she learned to be egocentric. She even tried to kill me once, her appendices broke (a crisis by poisoning) she was running after me in the kitchen, with a knife in her hand and making demonic faces imitating a snake with her Tung. I still dream about it. It probably hurt me as much as her, even if she almost died that week. The doctors taught she had gastro. My mom stayed with her all the time and i was stuck home with my dad. Anyway she worked for my dad for a while but she stop working for one of my dad’s companies 2 years ago, couldn’t stand him anymore taking all the credit for what she did. After That hurt him a lot.
Before my dad was around 45 he was abusing me physically and mentaly. After is mom and dad died he looked more depressed. Dont think he cried when his dad died. He was less euphoric and physically violent but maybe more agile to hurt me mentally. He always said things like I was a desperate case, he said, a i was loser, stupid, ignorant. The world needed losers like me for pumping gas an stuff. When i was swearing, he was putting soap in my mouth or Dijon mustard. I was always running but most of the time he catch me. Sometimes my mother was stopping him by force, other times she was crying for him to stop.
And one day he went to far. When i was around 7 years old, my paediatrician diagnose me with adhd. Every male , maybe females too ,on my father side as adhd only one of his brother take meds. Is son too. Me I took Ritalin for a short period of time..My parents say I wasn’t eating enough so they send me to see another shrink. He was one of my father’s friends. He took me off the med and said I didn’t have adhd. Considering that my med are like glasses to me, I couldn’t see anymore. So, all of my elementary school was a disaster, seriously painfull. Couldn’t sit still. I was scared of my teachers. One of him used take my desktop and turn it upside down in front of the hole class every month or so. Of course I had difficulty organizing my stuff. People where making fun of me, I was crying all the time. Especially in mathematics, even if they yelled at me I couldn’t understand. I was being mock and humiliated most of the time. And I was scared when going to bed and waking up every morning faking I was sick. Funny thing, this was in the 80, remember the movie E.T. well it was playing in the gym that day. I couldn’t see it. I hated E.T. So my principal sent me in is office that day saying that another kid was scared to, and it was my sister... So school was a nightmare. Because I was weak, I had to stay in elementary school, when my friends where all going in high school. Actually it’s my parents who decided that. Anyway I hated school. And thats when it happened , I was around 11 years old. I wrote on one of the schools outside benches (###$ the school) and i got caught . That weekend we where going to Lautentide park in Québec. When i arrived home, my sister was already waiting in the car, alone. She said, mom and dad wants to talk to you. So i went in the house , tale between my legs. When I saw is eyes i knew I was going to get. So he took one of his belts and strapped me for a couple of minutes, is trying to get out but he told my mom to hold my feet’s. I was screaming as loud as i could, my mom was crying, he was having the time of is life. When I taught it was over, he forced my mom to strap me too, so mom strapped me while she was crying. That’s when I started to think about his death. I always kept this for me and thought I was derange or something. I think my mom cried because she wanted to let me know he forced her to do it. It was one of the most difficult days of my life without knowing it at that time. That weekend I started to do flips and stunts in the hotels pool. Today I know why.

He use too hit me whit a stick, when I was fighting with my sister, Like it was always my fault. But belts where is favourite. I learned to run or die... sometimes I was able to hide until he lightens up; he was searching for me in the house, hitting the two straps together to make a wiping sound. When i was lucky moms arrived home. I felt he hated me and I always felt it . Hi don’t recall him hitting my sister. But when it was dodo time he always had is stick as a threat. For myself he tried to get me when I was alone.

I never really loved him but my mom and older sister did. My mom protected me all my life and still is, I know she loves me and I love her. Told me all my life that my dad loved me, didn’t believe her. My mom denies he hit her but I am sure he did. He was the biggest show off. He was arrogant and mean. He destroyed the only relationship my mom had with her best friend Gina. That year, he was on a roll. I remember myself killing bee nests behind the shed and starting to smoke my his cigarette butch. I was still Eleven. My father was a scary man, to me but not to others and he always been aggressive an violent. The eyes of a predator. We all say. Meaning, are family. A totally different person in public. He was on every committee, for the heart institute, president of big brother, Grand-frère et grande-soeur we say in French. President of he francophone Olympics. Working on is image of a great man who people respected. He even got nominated for the personality of the year. Ha, ha he lost... Seriously my dad was getting the respect he wanted and even if he was mean at home he started to get my respect too. My friend’s liked him. He became a leader and always was a great speaker. Bought shares in the company he worked for. Whent from a poor man, to very rich man. He presently has 50 employee insurance broker firm and another coaching company in business growth management. He gives conference around the world and brags about it all the time. He even posed In a popular American Magazine for is achievements. He as a house in Florida and one in Canada, Cars, Mercedes, bmw’s, etc. His vice-president is my godfather, my mom’s best big brother my uncle is good guy, but doesn’t seem to like are family. He doesn’t want my parents approaching their personal friends or attend the same activities outside work. My uncles new girlfriend is one of the company directors. Mom says that she adulate my father and talking in is back after, by the way most of his employees do the same. I know because i used to work for him. My parents don’t seem to keep their friends for a long time. Except one couple, he is my dad’s mentor. And seriously i don’t know what they see in him. Michel financial director is my moms, sister’s Husband. So it’s like a family business. Me and my sister have quit working for him. After that, he continued to treat us like employees. My dad always uses the same slogans again and again ; you get what you give in life or if your good with people they will be good for you. I always hated my dad but I was thinking it was normal to hate are dads. He was saying he hated his. Made him smoke a hole pack of cigarettes in a closet. The other thing he says; I used to wait in the car for hours when my dad was at the tavern. I don’t know if it is true but doesn’t seem he hit him or scared him that much. For his consolation, he was a sensitive drunk who probably was abuse by his dad to.
3 years ago i found out myself I had adhd and was diagnose again. It was like a miracle came true. That’s what’s wrong with me!!! I thought I had solved all my drug problems and relationship problems. I couldn’t stop reading looking for more answers. I started to take medication again. And then I started to feel like I could do anything. I got mad at my parents because I saw what I have missed and what mistake they have done taking me of my medication. The more I was taking my med , the more answers i had. Believe it or not it even made me remembered about things I my childhood. Today i think my father doesn’t like me talking medication because of this. He says it’s because of my substance abuse history. For me medication always made me; more confident, less emotional and more intelligent. And i know that when i take my med, i use less drugs. My medication helped me defend myself a little better. It helped to solve my life puzzle. I always looked for my sister and boyfriend sympathy but it never came. They told me to stop taking about adhd and that I was playing the victim and not taking my responsibilities. Got mad and told her she would be sorry one day.
After time has passed, I realized that i was at the same point. Everybody in my family saw a therapist except him. by the way I did six therapies and last year I did a couple of weeks in psychiatric hospital. I had hit rock bottom.. I was living at my parents place. I was out of therapy 6 month before that, had no money and no friends to go. My medication wasn’t enough to heel the pain I was still feeling. My dad was still manipulating myself and made me feel like a nobody, i didn’t want to work for him so i was nothing to him. My girlfriend had left me after three weeks with her I was hearthbrokin again and this time i was really in love for the first time in my life. My mom was on vacation with her sisters so she was sympathizing with me calling me 3 times a day and tried to make me feel better. Anyway after I went on the internet and by mistake I opened a Web page for child abuse, then i saw all my life, all the characteristic where a mirror of my self. Then i realized I was abused. I was hysteric. My dad was on a business trip, he was coming back home. So he called me and started to tell me the usual stuff. Mathieu of course all your girlfriends leave you, you have nothing to offer to a woman. Your life is a mess. Your a desperate case. And then i explode. Told him that i knew what he had done to me. I hang up and started to text im messages of passage of my childhood, he was texting me back stuff about god. He sent; Wath another great day god as giving us. Then i went Outside looked in the sky, it was Blue, perfect sky and then it hit me. For the first time in my life i had a felt myself has i was 5 years old, for ten minutes i was screaming like a baby reliving these moments, i was grabing on a bench has hard as i counld, i could feel im pulling on myself. Then i got my self on the ground in a little ball and was protecting my face from being hit. Just like a kid. I remembered everything. 30 minutes later I had broken a wall, went in is room and put a mess in is things. Went to get the pictures of us together and started to cut my face as if he killed me. I called my sister searching for someone who could believe me, my mom had realized wath they have done.. They all said that i was playing the victim role and said i was overreacting. I always thauht they were right but not this time. I wanted to leave home when I got a call. It was the police asking me to come out of the house with my hands on my head and to leave my dog in. My dad had told the police that i wanted to kill him. When i was in the police car i saw im laughing as he looked at me. Then i realy wanted to hurt im. I tried to explain everything but the psychologist did not believe me because my dad had a witness, it was my sister saying he was right and that i was a crazy drug addict. They put me in a sell, i stayed there for 2 weeks and a half. I wanted to kill myself again. I was around Very close to do it but my nephew was behind the glass photo I had in my room, he saved my life. I love him very much and always had. My dad he is the godfather of him, took my place as i was to sick and couldn’t make is baptism. After that they gave me a choice you take care of yourself or you go to a six month therapy. I had make another bad decision. Went to therapy and tried to forgive my dad again. I was out 8 month ago and was cleaned for 6 months. I relapse after that and I’m still struggling. Last week . i was in on a trip in Florida at my parents secondary home. It wasn’t a trip for me. My dad told me it was a boot camp trying to put me back on the right track and changing my bad habits. Anyway he picked me up at airport and starting to yell at me telling me my adhd medication didnt do much as i was still a loser. Then I reacted like a winner telling I’m he was mean and ignorant. He was insulted, he continued. When we arrived home, my mom yield at him telling him he was doing the opposite that he said he was going to do. I understand today that he doesn’t control himself., Im just fuel for him. that afternoon I had a meeting with my life coach, that’s when she illuminated me. After talking to my dad, she notice there was something wrong with him. Since then I did my research and my dad is way up there. Im positive’s hes got a NPD the type aggressive. I was main victim for 31 years. Since then im out of the family. My sister knows there is something wrong whit my dad but don’t want to talk about it. She says that she is pregnant I don’t want any source of stress on her baby. I understand. I email them lots of information about NPA but she have doubts and waiting for diagnose. As for my mom she is decidind to stay with im ignoring it. I think she is scared.
i COULD HURT HIM NOW IF I WANTED, SHOULD I ?

Hi, musicmylife! The best way to get back at this kind of people is to ignore them. You shouldn't do anything that would get you in trouble.
What your dad did to you was awful and your mother should have protected you. You have done what you could. You told them about what your dad did and what might be wrong with him. Now it's up to them to protect themselves and their family from him. You should try to make a life for yourself. It sounds like your father takes pleasure in causing you pain and I don't think it's possible to have much of a relationship with someone like this. Do you still have to see him?
You don't have to forgive any one, just learn how to deal with triggers (situations that remind you of abuse) and do things for yourself.
I'm sorry your parents did nothing to stop the sexual abuse that you and your sister were going through. How much older is she than you? It is not your fault.
You should keep taking the meds and talk to a good therapist about all this. You have your life ahead of you. You can post here any time you like as well, of course.

Hi, thanks for your advice. My sister is 2 years older than me. Is'nt that normal wath we did? Should i talk to her about it? I don t want my nephew to spend time alone with my dad. He really like my dad. Last month he went swiming with him, alone. Do you find this curious that my dad always wanted to see me naked? He kept making fun of me because i was not exibitioniste like him. Still today I have a normal body but have difficulty exposing myself when i go to the beach.

It was not ok for your dad to try to see you naked, music. You should tell your sister about this (if she's your nephew's mom). What he did was wrong and I can see how it would make you uncomfortable with your body. You have every right to feel the way you do about this.
It's up to you if you want to talk about it, I guess. I know it's normal to innocently experiment a little when you're a kid, but it doesn't seem normal to have relations with your sister.
Maybe it would help both of you if you went to a counsellor together, but you can take it one step at a time and do what you're comfortable with. It's possible that she won't want to talk about it at all or make it seem like it was nothing, like your family do when it comes to what your dad put you through. It's how people try to protect themselves.
You're a good person for worrying about your family and wanting to help them.

Hi jasmin, I always taught it was normal to explore with my sister. I guess its not maybe it something to do with the sexual abuse with are guardian. I was 4 she was 6. I never had a conversation about it with my sister. Maybe it would be easier to email her about it. Yesterday i emailed my godmother, my dads older sister. I wanted to have awnser about my dad pass. Do you know dr. Nicole miller ? I read on her site that to humiliate the narcissist was benific for the abuser and warn others that they have to be declared.

Hey! You can talk to her about it when you feel ready, and about your nephew too. Maybe it has to do with the abuse, but it's up to you to decide that and how you feel about it.
I've never heard of that doctor, I'm afraid. I'm not a psych or a counsellor, by the way.
Do you mean that it's benefic for the narcisist to humilliate others and that you have to let other people know what he's capable of?

bonjour, musicmylife

c'est bon pour voyez un autre quebecois sur le site je connais que c'est tres difficulte pour ne pas avez les medicamentsquand j'oublie de prendre j'ai le meme probleme. etre fort et parler a quelqun come jasmin a dit.