How to get treatment for multiple disorders?

I’ve been in and out of the system for decades. I started with blaming my being raped on myself for being gay at age 6, cutting age 8, moved from New York to San Diego age 12 to get me away from abusive father, drinking smoking, arrested for pot age 15, put into a rehab, revealed to be a cult , got away, came out,blah blah blah.diagnosed finally with bipolar in 90s after many suicide attempts, got addicted to Ect,(is that a thing, or is that the one thing that’s original about me?)(joke)…finally this year, diagnosed add,nat age 50+. I’ve done everything from homeless begging for change while in and out of reality, to walking out on stage to speak to crowds all over on how to thrive with mental health challenges have. But now, I know now that I’m clueless. I don’t know how to tell people what I need, want, expect, and I have no one to help me explain in a way that’s understandable, or understand what I’m being told. I found out that my last therapist had been abusive for pretty much the whole 11years we worked together, my rage at myself for that is beyond belief.. I have no faith or trust in the system, hard time believing sobriety is worth anything(but I remember how it ###$ everything up worse). So I know I need help, but a hard time finding it, just hard enough for me to keep giving up. Anyone up to talk or have any suggestions? I put this here because adhd was my last official diagnosis, last of pounds of psych meds I take.

With this much early trauma, and huge fluctuations in your ability to function, and multiple (mis?)diagnoses that don't seem to quite capture what's happening, and for which treatment of them doesn't result in much improvement, you may want to look into the possibility of a dissociative disorder.

Early relational trauma, which results in difficulty expressing needs and establishing trusting, healthy relationships (or even knowing what one IS), is very tricky to treat and really needs an expert therapist.

You may want to look for someone who specializes in early childhood trauma and who has a LOT of experience with complex clients.

Thank you. I’m having a thing about finding a therapist, the last one ress as lily did a number on me, so it seems like I know I need a therapist, butvtrusting one seems impossible. I want to, and part of me hates myself for wanting to put myself thru that again. I know I’m about to lose everything because I haven’t taken care of anything, but there’s always tomorrow(I hope)… at least that seems like my operating mode now. I don’t think I can even be honest with someone again, and trust they want to help.