Chaotic life

Hello Psychforums

I’m 22 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 14, and I’ve been on almost every stimulant and non stimulant ever since, but had to discard Strattera a few months ago. The typical ADHD-meds made me suicidal, depressed, throw tantrums and psychotic. 400 mg of Seroquel seems to be the only thing that works so far.

The reason why I’m posting in this forum is because I’ve been dealing with some issues throughout my teenage years, and still do; In fact, they’ve only gotten worse during the last few years. I have quite a few friends with ADHD, and I do not recognize these issues I’m struggling with in their lives, and that had me thinking.

Okay, what am I dealing with? I have some intense anger issues. I’m a lose canon, and small remarks will leave me shaking with anger, screaming at people that I hate them, sometimes leading me to terminating the relation and never talking to them again. It’s always been like this, I’ve been punching walls, destroying doors and throwing around threats etc. It usually happens with people I’ve been dating, family members, close friends or otherwise people I’ve “let in”. The relation will go from “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me” to “You’re a F*****G A*****E, I never want to talk to you again!” within seconds. It’s usually the feeling of being let down, betrayed or belittled that trigger these reactions.

Furthermore, I’m dealing with a weird feeling of “something missing”- sort of like extreme boredom that I physically can feel. Some might think that it’s ADHD-restlessness, but it’s more of a ‘something/-one that I really cared about has been taken away from me, but I don’t know what/who it is’-feeling. I’m always on my way to the next project, the next friend to hang out with, or even the next drug to take. Because of this something’s-missing-feeling, I hate being alone. I need someone to distract me from my thoughts and fill this void, and I get really stressed out and experience panic attacks whenever someone bails out. Sooner or later the inevitable will happen, and I’ll be alone in my room with a $#%^ load of negative thoughts. At these moments everything seems totally unmanageable, and I’ll either smoke loads of weed to numb myself, pop dozens of Seroquel, cut myself or take huge doses of MDMA, with no concern regarding the consequences. I’ll do anything to escape from the uncontrollable emotions, thoughts and emptiness. I’ve been hospitalized a few times when everything was just too much. I’m gifted with loving and caring friends, who’ll put up with me either calling or texting them that I’ll kill or cut myself, and help me when I’m at my worst.

My mood swings are extreme. I can wake up feeling like I can conquer the world, and within a few hours I’ll be experiencing intense panic attacks and anxiety to such an extent where I can’t leave my room. I have no control of my mood nor emotions, and I usually try to keep myself occupied, so that my emotions wont “catch up”.

Relationships never work out for me. I thought being in love with someone would be nice, but I hate it. Whenever I’ve let myself get attached to someone, I feel terribly vulnerable, and I’ll never let down my guards risking that they’ll hurt or leave me.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of friends with ADHD, and they don’t seem to be having to deal with this stuff. Have any of you experienced any of this? Is it possible that my psychiatrist has missed something, perhaps bipolar? I should mention that I’m not asking for a diagnosis, rather some input from some fellow adhd-ers.

Thank you for reading.

Do you care about what people think of you?

Mitmit wrote:Do you care about what people think of you?

Yes, I do.

My husband has ADHD and also anger issues. In persons with ADHD, the executive function of the brain is understimulated and frustration builds when things don't go as the brain wants them to, so on to the next newest project. There's a mismatch of attention and project focus along with follow-through as the brain is too distracted in someone with ADHD and boredom kicks in as a result. It's an irony that others can see the problem but the pwADHD doesn't, so when they comment on the person's distractedness, it's seen as criticism that pushes the wrong buttons, instead of an observation. That just-missing-something feeling is something my husband has expressed many times and he has mood swings, so you're not alone. He's like a motor running all the time, running away from boredom.

Have you considered another evaluation for adult ADHD and therapy for your anger issues?
Treatments for adults w/ADHD are different from those for minors. As well as the fact that coping strategies for ADHD transition differently from childhood to adulthood. Getting stoned to oblivion is just a band-aid, it's not gonna solve your problems in the long-term. Any doctor worth his salt will not diagnose or do any evaluation if he knows you have a history of abusing drugs (assuming you don't lie about this). Recreational drugs often mimic symptoms of other disorders. It requires an abstinence from such drugs to clear from your system before any diagnosis can be made. ADHD is a complex disorder, no one person with ADHD will have all the same symptoms as another with ADHD.

I feel like I live a very chaotic life too. I'm always dropping stuff, losing stuff, my room is a mess, I cant stay organized no matter how hard I try.

Rainbowgirlfan1 wrote:I feel like I live a very chaotic life too. I'm always dropping stuff, losing stuff, my room is a mess, I cant stay organized no matter how hard I try.

I am the same exact way. Except in my case my apartment is a mess. I know I have too much stuff and am trying to get the place organized, but nobody wants to help. They instead walk in, see all the boxes and things everywhere and either start making judgment calls, or try to psycho-analyze me. What complicates things is that ppl have a hard time understanding that ADHD can cause all of these things to happen. It is a blessing and a curse.