Why bother....?

Hey, obviously, i'm an aspie. 19 years old. It never really bothered me that much before, but now i realize what a pain in the ass it....reading at different places on the net like this, seeing older aspies still being lonely, viirgins or whatever. I thought that with some training i could be like other people, you know, partying in the weekends and all that.

But now i realize that people with aspie usually remain geeks and kinda lonely throghout their life and that horrifies me so much. Considering the hell i've been trhough for the 2 yearsit's just not worth fighting for...let me tell you my story from 1999 when everything started) until this day.

I was 12, i had some friends but most of the time i sat at home playing video, i was cool with that at the time, i liked being alone. A new guy joined our class and he quickly became my best friend. We spont lots of time playing games together and stuff. Then it was time to start at the new school, like the European version of high school. I already knew about AS at this time.

After a few months i just stopped going, i never really got teased, but i was still too afraid to go so i just showed up occasionally. My friend started getting new friends, going to parties drinking, getting girlfriends and stuff while i still sat home playing video games. He never left me though, we met more rarely but he remained my friend even though i was like the biggest geek in school. So time passed, i was a kinda depressed(it was a lot better than it is now though), but i allways thought that"someday i will get girlfriends and stuff too, someday..."

I never really cared about the AS, because i didnt think it was that big of a deal. So that was pretty much my life until late 2001, i went to school a few days, and sometimes i had the teacher coming to my place to give me home lessons. I showed up for tests and stuff and amazingly i never had to take any years again. I was really lucky with that, if i was living the US that would never have happened. I occasionally dropped by my friends place and spent time with him, except for the weekends of course. The other friends i had before i started at the new school was the one i hanged out with when i was at school since the other guy didnt want to be seen with me.

Late 2001 though things started to change drastically. My friend suddenly wanted to try and make me cool. One saturday night he and his other friends had nothing to do so the came over to my place with a bottle of spirit. I had never touched any of that stuff before. So we played some PS2, and when his friends left(nice guys, although they were never interested in getting to know me) We drank the bottle. I was so wasted, and i loved it. He also gave me some cigarettes, and i started smoking because i thought it could me socialize. It helped too.

From then on, i sometimes would go out meeting him and two of his friends just to take a cigarette, these guys started talking to me and eventually, the three of the decided to take me to a party...and at that party i found out something the, they smoked hash. And they wanted to make me high. I smoked it didnt feel anything though. As time went by, i wanted desperetaly to try hash again. They didnt give me anythig for three months, But i started seeing him and his two friends more and more

i desperately wanted to try it again, being 15 and all...you don't think too clearly at that age. The didnt give me anything for three months but i started seeing him and his two friends more and more and eventually his two friends became my friends. One day one of them stole some from his father and they let me participate smoking the joint, and this time i got high. Man i loved it...the best feeling i ever had. Suddenly i started hanging with them all the time, smoking everyday going to parties together...the following months was by far the best time in my life. At the parties i would usually just sit down on the couch looking stupid, unable to let myself loose, but there was this one party when everything just went right. I talked to people and laughed with them, I even ended up kissing a girl. I was so happy, never saw her again though.

So this period lasted pretty much from february till summer, and then my friend(the guy who introduced me to his other friends) moved back to sweden to go to a private school there, but me and the other two met a new guy and started hanging around with him instead. So then it was basically the four of us, we knew some other people and occasionaly smoked with. That's all we did, no more parties, just smoking all day long. I had to start at a new school again, like the European version of college. This was bound to fail and i quit just after a few days. I wasnt that bad socially at the time but being in a classroom with strangers was just undoable. The following year we just smoked hash at my place all day long, too lazy to do anything else.

Then in the summer of 2003 i came home from a 2 week-long vacation in spain, and that's when hell really started. Suddenly my best friend at the time was completely changed, and didnt care for me at all. The others still hanged with me from time to time, but in the weekends they would go out not even asking me and i started acting like a dick. Sending them crazy messages more and more often, seeing them less and less and in march 2004 they had enough and basically told me to go to hell(understable really..). Eventually the forgave me and until recently saw them sometimes. Rarely, and nothing like before. I would just sit there for a couple of hours and smoke a joint with them, and i was all alone. I still had the phone number to some dealers so i kupt on smoking to make the days go but...every day was sad and boring and i ended up being completely isolated. 2004 was a horrible year, but not even close to 2005.

The hash didnt do it for me anymore so instead of smoking, i started drinking. I was 18 now so i could easily buy alcohol so one day in the to the store and bought 12 beers, and before i knew it i drank 12 beers every single day, except Sundays. For a while it worked great as a pain tranquilizer and being drunk reminded me of those great times in 2002. I kept nn with that for some months, started smoking again for a couple of months but then i went back to the drinking. Most of my old friends moved away, and i was even more alone, i just stopped caring.

Since summer i've been drinking everyday i'm addicted now. My Therapist suggests being at a rehabilitation place where i can build up my life again, be with other people(all of them older than me), learn to buy my own food, wash my own cothes and get a daily routine..being at such a place will be even worse than being here. My alcohol problem is too much for the so i have to stop drinking before they accept me there. i just feel like it's too late for me. Sorry but i just can't help it. There is so much work in front of me to get back on my feet again, and reading stuff other aspies have written around on the net, that they're still kinda lonely, still struggling with depressions...it all seems lost to me.

Going through so much pain and work and still be left with a half-assed geeky life ? First i have to quit alcohol which won't be easy, and i have no ieda what to do without it here, i'll probably go nuts and seeing that there is 2 or 3 months of waiting time AFTER i've quit the drinking that's a painful problem. Then i have to be at this horrible place and go through even worse days than i have here for some months, and when i finally get outta there, then what ? This is my fourth year without school, so i probably wontmake any new freinds. I'm a loser AND i have asperger, i'll probably have to go to some special school for 3 years being quite lonely all the time. Then i'll be like 23 and obviously i will still struggle with stuff because of AS. I've had enough hell as it is, and going through all that seems impossible to me, especially considering the "rewards". I'll never live like anyone else anyway.

I know AS is not the only reason i'm in this situation, i should have done something back in 2004 instead of feeling sorry for myself, thinking things would be alot better someday but never doing anything to attain that, letting the time go by and end up in this horrible situation. I've had suicidal thought before but i was never really close to doing it, but now i'm serious. My mom has alot of pills in her locker, i can just buy like 24 beers and swallow a bunch of pills and this nightmare will finally be over. It kills me to think how much it will hurt my family, but it kills me even more being sad for the rest of my life after the last two years. Hope is just gone.

I don't even know i'm writing this..and i don't know if anyone here at all will bother reading this whole thing. I just feel so desperate and i want somebody to hear my screams even if they can't do anything...i guess i'm kind of asking. How are your social lives ? Does anyone here have many friends, girlfriends, or good social lives. Does anyone here like go out on a saturday night and have fun with other peple despite the fact that they are different ?It hurts so much to sit alone in my basement a saturday night thinking of all the people my age having fun and stuff. I'm not going through hell only to still have that feeling on a saturday night. There is an easier ay, i know it's cowardly buttight now suicide seems like the only option. I'm thinking about it all the time...

you mean ignore the repeated stuff? or the whole post?

I've gotta admit, my life aint completely normal like most other people, who have great social lives...but its nothing like yours.

Though it seems as though I'm always organising everything, which highly annoys me.

I do have lots of friends...and most of my friends I didn't even meet through school....

So really, just because you aren't at school, doesnt mean you cannot make friends...

And it doesn't mean you have to totally isolate yourself...I try and do as much as I can, I know I do a lot less than most people...but I try my best.

And I don't think all Aspergers people would be geeks, I'd hardly call myself a geek....

I dunno what to say really...too hard to write stuff. I'm terrible at saying the right thing.

Life can be wonderful even if you don't go out on a Saturday night. Most people you see partying aren't happier than you. Find what you yourself enjoy doing in life and engage in it, and slowly you'll meet people who are into the same stuff. Work on your self-esteem, finding what makes you happy, there are all kinds of people and friendships, not just the "cool" Saturday night empty ones. Most Aspies I know have love in their lives, which is more important than "a million friends". Sounds like it's very important for you to know you'll be able to mix with the "cool" crowd, but actually all the coolness is an act. Develop something that is meaningful to you. You sound like you've been so busy trying to follow the crowd that you haven't developed your own personality. I really hope you find the strength to follow this program offered to you and build a life for yourself that looks the way you want it to look, not what the media says our lives should look like.

Gunpowder

Guest,

I went through your post and tried to clean up all the duplicated paragraphs. I think I have it straight again for you. Hope this helps as other guests log on and read your message....might be easier for them to understand and reply to now!

Definitely make the first step getting free from alcohol and drugs. Using those as a crutch will just bring you way down and you'll never learn how to interact.

Don't expect to be like everyone else--you're you and Aspergers. We're Aspergers, talk with us or others. And read Spektyr's post on the other thread about learning socializing skills. I've found with myself that if I stay at home all the time because it's easier and what I want to do I'll feel badly, so I make myself go. But on the other hand, I accept that I'm different and have different interests than many non-Aspergers, and need to be alone more than they do.

Oh for pete's sake....

Use that aspie mentality. Get your logic going and see that if you want a change in your life you have to change what your doing.
The first thing I'd do if I were you is to forgive yourself and others for the past and only look ahead. Today is a new day and your going to set yourself on the road to a better life. I don't know anyone that's truly happy that's an alcoholic (not recovered) or taking drugs. You have tried for many years to escape the unhealthy way so how about a healthy way now. You want a high? Get yourself out the door and go running. I'm serious. Go jogging. Get a walkman or iPod so you don't have to socialize if you don't want to but go for a walk or jog. If you live near a town, walk to it. Make goals to how far you want to go (something that might seem impossible) and see how long it takes to achieve the goal(s). The adrenaline will be the high you need and you'll get in better shape, probably find it easy to quit smoking and you might even find ways to stop for a drink (of water) and have a chat with a total stranger. Start taking care of yourself and you might even find ways to take care of others. Once you start to feel better (which probably wont take too long with the exercise and once your 100% off drugs and alcohol), think about volunteer work in your neighborhood. One way to feel good about your life is by helping others. It's also a super way to meet people in a setting where you have something in common, something to talk about. Think too about doing things you always wanted to do but never took the time. May be once you start jogging or walking, try hiking on a trail or riding your bike on one.

Get the pressure off of you and stop trying to live in the past. NOBODY can do this for you. NOBODY can clean up your life or set things right or pick you up off the floor and get you to do something for yourself. YOU are in charge so if you don't do anything, you'll get nowhere!!!! If you finally see this, then you can make that choice to help yourself and you'll see your life change and realize how much power you have on your own life.

finally i've found someone i relate to,i'm a 17 male believe it or not my lifes worse,i have no friends since i dropped out of high school when i was 12 and i also dwell on past glorys i've been suicidal at times but lack the balls,it's a killer being told you're going to fail sometimes it's hard facing a lonely future.

Just because you have AS it doesn't mean you are going to have a "lonely future" or have no friends or family. Life is only as great of what you put into it. A lot of people expect you to fail, no matter if it is because your traits, diagnosis, gender, religion or otherwise. And to tell you the truth, most of those are based on stereotypical thinking. Because nobody can truelly tell you what you are capapble of. If you want it, get it. If they expect you to fail, prove them wrong.

Panic