Eye contact

Hey. This is my first time on these forums. It's great how they're pretty active.

I was wondering how well other people with aspergers can keep eye contact here. I have never been able to keep contact because when I do I can't listen, think, or do anything else except observe the details of their eyes...so I've always had to look away when talking or listening so i can basicly use my brain and think. Are many others here the same way?

Also, I've noticed that there's an element of anxiety I get that comes with this problem when trying to make eye contact with other people. i.e. if i keep eye contact with my dog then i still can't think, hear, or do anything else but i don't get nervous or anxious. But if i do the same thing with humans, i get nervous and experience a lot of anxiety....

Probably none of us are good at eye contact. I'm better at it now that I'm older but it still makes me uncomfortable and if I concentrate on keeping eye contact I may not be hearing what the person is saying.

I taught myself eye contact.
I used to either lock my eyes at the lips, or drill the other person with my stare.
Now, I make eye contact comfortably, and sometimes, even naturally.
It has taken years of conscious effort, though.

It takes a lot of practice, but you can learn to do it.

The "rule of thumb" I use for eye contact is to divide the time roughly into thirds. One third of the time you should be looking the person in the eye, one third you should be looking at their face (but not in the eye), and one third you should look at something else. This seems to sustain the appearance of being interested and "connected" to the conversation, but without being a creepy stare.

As far as the actual eye contact is concerned, it isn't actually necessary to be looking at the eye itself. People generally can't tell whether you're looking at their eye or simply near it. So when you're looking someone in the eye you can actually be letting your eye wander around the surrounding area, like the eyebrow, lids, and so on.

I found that looking someone in the face in general also helps me to understand what's being said. I sometimes have difficulty assembling the vocal sounds into meaningful words, and I seem to have picked up a tiny bit of reading lips so that when I can see the mouth of the person talking I'm far less likely to have to ask them to repeat what they said.


For practicing eye contact I recommend making use of friends/family that have already decided they like you despite your "oddities". Let them know you're trying to improve your eye contact skills, and have them let you know if you're staring too much.

I've practiced it so long that it's almost second nature. I don't really have to put any effort into it anymore.

Spektyr wrote:As far as the actual eye contact is concerned, it isn't actually necessary to be looking at the eye itself. People generally can't tell whether you're looking at their eye or simply near it. So when you're looking someone in the eye you can actually be letting your eye wander around the surrounding area, like the eyebrow, lids, and so on.

You think so? I was wondering if it were true. I feel weird looking at someone's temple or nose! On the other hand, I often let my eyes rest below the face, on the neck or chest and I'm sure staring at a woman's chest is worse!

I have the exact same problem, and now that I am growing older im starting to notice it anymore.

If I try and get eye contact with them, it usually only lasts for a short while and it seems like they are talked softer and softer.

My advice may not be the most normal one, but it seems to work for me.

Look right into their eyes with your impression of love - even if your just talking to a friend and your a 16 year old male.

Try it, I hope it helps

betwixt wrote:

Spektyr wrote:As far as the actual eye contact is concerned, it isn't actually necessary to be looking at the eye itself. People generally can't tell whether you're looking at their eye or simply near it. So when you're looking someone in the eye you can actually be letting your eye wander around the surrounding area, like the eyebrow, lids, and so on.

You think so? I was wondering if it were true. I feel weird looking at someone's temple or nose! On the other hand, I often let my eyes rest below the face, on the neck or chest and I'm sure staring at a woman's chest is worse!

Yeah, staring at a woman's chest is going to annoy her worse than not looking her in the eye.

The trick to what I was talking about comes from the brain's ability to determine something very complicated: the precise aim of both of your eyes simultaneously. At a normal conversational range it isn't possible for someone to actually have their vision focused on both eyes at once. If they're far enough away to do so, they can't predict your focal point accurately.

So best case scenario they can really only pin down what you're looking at to a few square inches or so. There are some exceptions. For example, if you're looking at something to the right or left of their eyes, they'll pick up on that because both of their eyes are registering both of yours looking in the same direction. By the same token looking very far above or below their eyes will be detected.

Just imagine the area covered by the classic "Lone Ranger" mask. Eyebrows, lower orbit of the eye, any part of the nose between the eyes... these are all virtually undetectable as not being "looking them in the eye". Part of their brain will register it as less than rapt attention, but not likely low enough to bother them.

Another thing I recently noticed is this: when someone's talking, if you want to give them the impression that you're really listening closely, look them directly in the eye, hold it for just a moment, and then nod (two to three quick nods, sort of like you're excited to hear what they're saying). Don't break eye contact until after your nod and then try to keep it close around their face and eyes.

You should notice a positive reaction if you pay close attention. People really like the feeling created by someone really listening to them when they talk.

Spektyr wrote:Just imagine the area covered by the classic "Lone Ranger" mask. Eyebrows, lower orbit of the eye, any part of the nose between the eyes... these are all virtually undetectable as not being "looking them in the eye". Part of their brain will register it as less than rapt attention, but not likely low enough to bother them.

Another thing I recently noticed is this: when someone's talking, if you want to give them the impression that you're really listening closely, look them directly in the eye, hold it for just a moment, and then nod (two to three quick nods, sort of like you're excited to hear what they're saying). Don't break eye contact until after your nod and then try to keep it close around their face and eyes.

Thanks, Speckyr, this is really helpful. I'm going to use this technique.

That is what I am bad at. And that is my classic sign of Asperger's. I hate this disorder.

betwixt wrote:Probably none of us are good at eye contact. I'm better at it now that I'm older but it still makes me uncomfortable and if I concentrate on keeping eye contact I may not be hearing what the person is saying.

eye contact can be very difficult....but I try very hard.
Stupid Asperger's Syndrome. >.<
Though at other times I feel like I have a staring problem.