Never been so alone

First off, I apologize for even writing this. I used to tell myself that maybe someone might read something I had to say and be helped in some way. Truth is, I just feel better telling something to the Internet than letting it ring in my head. Either way I've done nothing, but at least tomorrow I can look at this post and pretend I did.

So, anyway, I just spent five days in the psych ward. I blame the depression meds, either the Cymbalta, Prozac, or Wellbutrin; take your pick. Over the course of half a year, one of those drove me from the guy who did a semester's worth of work the day he got the syllabus to the guy who did a five page paper due at 8:30am at 6:30am that same day. This same guy decided last week to take a few Niravam (same as Xanax, I think) to relax and try to get some work done after 8 hours of failure. This same guy woke up in the ICU 48 hours later and was coaxed into admitting himself for psychiatric care. I hate them and I hate myself for being so stupid. I want to tell the Internet two things:

1. If I really wanted to kill myself, I'd have done it right. I have much more and better pills at my disposal and I'm not afraid to cut myself
2. If I'm going to suffer this miserable like, the whole wide world can suffer right along with me. They'd be so happy to get along without me; ain't gonna happen.

Now I have a fourth med at my disposal which I refuse to take so I am going through pretty intense withdrawals right now and I just don't care.

The Asperger's diagnosis is only a couple of months old so I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong when it feels like everything I do is wrong. Can I forget all I've tried to teach myself about being "normal" and just embrace this and live as an outcast? Should I drive myself to learn even more "normalcy" so I can hide better, at least knowing that it's not my fault? I used to wonder if I was out sick the day they taught people to walk in school. Now I'm 30 and still get made fun of for walking funny, at least until I mention my spine surgery and make them feel bad for it. My funny walk has nothing to do with my spinal surgery.

My roommate in the psych ward had a brain tumor. Even before he knew it was non-cancerous he was just so happy to have had this tumor because he now had an explanation for the world as to the source of the problems. To all those who had stayed away from this different guy, he could now point to a dozen staples in his forehead, tell them he had a brain tumor, and all was fine. He had a physical problem and that way ok. I tell someone I have Aspergers and I might as well say I have a new airborne form of HIV. They want to get away from me that bad.

My wife tried to told it together when she thought I was depressed. She kind of support my trip to the psychiatrist and picked up my meds a couple of times. I might not be alive right now if she hadn't called the MICU when she did. I still don't know what she wants or what she thinks and she doesn't know me at all. I keep thinking I've tried and I'm getting nothing in return. What am I doing wrong? I offered to leave about a month ago and she wanted to try to work things out. I said fine, but I didn't know what to do differently and nothing's changed. Despite having changed jobs five times in a year I make a decent living and she knows every last cent she and the kids need will be provided for no matter what.

Then I hit the psych ward. Nobody under 13 can visit and that includes my kids. They didn't ask about me once. For five days their dad was gone and they didn't even care. I can't tell myself I'm sticking it out for the kids when the kids don't even miss me. If I would really entertain suicide it'd be done by this point.

What exactly has this "gift" given me? It gave me a strong grasp of computer science, oh yeah, I can read code like it's a novel. However, it gave me no self confidence to follow through with my ambitions when my college counselor talked me out of transferring because, god forbid, it would have caused her to have to actually work. It's given me a rich vocabulary, for sure, which I can use to great effect when I write papers and emails. It also leaves me sounding like an imbecile when I talk because I stammer and break up my speech, not because I don't know what I want to say but because I refuse to settle for the common word when I know there's a more perfect word in my vocabulary and I therefore pause interminably while I wait for the word to appear. More often than not, I'm interrupted mid-sentence and that's the end of it. I guess it's also given me the ability to not interpret other people's negative feelings toward me. I counter that plus by an overabundance of self-loathing.

I'd continue on and on about the positive aspects of AS, but there's just one problem: THERE ARE NONE. I hate it. I hate myself for having it, I hate the fact that I'm only 30 and will have it for the rest of my life. I hate that my coping mechanisms aren't working. I hate that my career is not conducive to working around it. I hate that people are intolerant or scared or just plain misunderstanding of it. I hate that I can't fake it. I hate that I have to fake it. I just want to sit here and cry and ask why me, why me?

Why did I marry my first girlfriend at 23? Because I knew I'd never find another? Why did I have two kids before I was 30? Because obligation might make me feel like a man? Now I'm going to destroy four lives instead of just one and no amount of telling myself it's not my fault is going to change the fact that it is.

I fought with my parents this weekend. I said, basically, that as my children grow and I love them more each day, the more I realize that I never felt that kind of love from them. But whose fault was that? Theirs for not showing it, or mine for just not receiving what was so plainly there? I just don't know anymore. Five days and my kids didn't miss me at all. When I had my spine surgery, when I was curled up on the floor screaming in pain with a bottle of percocet and a twelve pack of beer in me, when I went to sleep on the bathroom floor because I knew I'd never make it otherwise, when I felt, literally felt, my muscle atrophy and my belly go fat, when the air tube in esophagus tore up my throat and I couldn't speak or eat, when I prayed for a coma, I didn't hurt as bad as realizing my own kids don't love me.

I think I'm going to drift off into the night now and hope I can fake another day with four hours of sleep.

I couldn't let this go without letting you know there are people thinking of you. I know it seems impossible now but there are many positive things about Aspergers. You don't fall prey to peer pressure, you have the strength to do things your way. You find it helpful to get things in a routine, a boon if you have children You are creative and imaginative. Did you know that Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein all are thought to have had Aspergers?

God, man. If nothing else, you're an excellent writer. I don't have AS, but as a teacher to young kids for the last 14 years, I can see that as long as you compare yourself to what society considers normal, you'll be climbing an ungodly steep hill with no meaningful destination in sight.

The not connecting with others business whether it's your parents or your wife & children is an area probably worth working on... when you're feeling better balanced.

Balance...that's always it, isn't it?

Have you heard of Daniel Amen? I mentioned him in a different post. He does brain SPECT imaging and has clinics around the US. Might be worth your while to look into it:

www.amenclinic.com

good luck to you.

You're not alone, lostitall. I've had some horrible times in your life. Just know that it will pass, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. It looks like your wife cares--that is valuable. How do you know your kids haven't asked for you? Maybe they were told you were on a business trip or maybe they're in shock, who knows? I'm sure they love you, they just don't express it the way you expect. Are they non-Aspie? It's harder for us to connect with non-Aspies, we don't have that natural connection that they have with each other. They are probably sending out vibes that you're not receiving and vice versa. Hang in there, you've got a lot to live for. You wouldn't believe the number of 'normal' people who are miserable and just barely hanging in there.

Please post back so we know how you're doing.

I know how you're feeling. I was diagnosed AS last year, but truth is, you convince yourself that people think crap about you. I spent a year with drug abuse because i thought no one cared about me. I'm 18 years old and was forced away from my parents by child care when i was 17. But recently, I have started thinking positive. Sure, there is absolutely no cure for AS, but you can help yourself. You can train yourself to improve your coordination. I used to walk funny but I wasn't aware of it untill 8th grade when I was bullied for it. At that time i didn't know that AS was the cause. But I managed to get used to walk normally. Every problem has a solution, you just have to find it. And you WILL find other women, trust me! None of my past girlfriends or ###$ have known about my diagnosis. Sure, some have commented my weirdness but they think its cute rather than spooky.
Most important: analyze yourself and find solutions. If you can't see them doesnt mean theyre not there!

Good luck, fellow genius

What do you mean "walk funny"....I read that a lot in books about AS and on this forum. Can anyone describe what that means? Don't lots of people "walk funny"?

I dated a musician years ago...very talented musician and very bright. No way I'd describe him as someone who fell anywhere remotely close to an autism spectrum, but, man, he WAS NOT coordinated. When he ran, he kind of swung his feet out to the side. He was tall and gangly, and simply looked really awkward doing athletics.

Lostitall, that was so honest, so candid, so moving. What you wrote is a classic example of the bright side of Asperger's (and I am most certainly not talking about problems with relating to others), but the Aspergian honesty. Have you showed your wife and kids what you wrote on this forum? They really should read what you've written, because through your writing you have demonstrated somewhat of a genuine understanding of what they must be going through.

You, your wife, and your kids should have a long discussion about what's been going on with not only you, but with them. With the right support, I'm sure you'd make a great father, but you have to acknowledge your limitations in order to overcome them. I think (and this is just my opinion) that the reason that your wife and kids appear to not care about you, is not because they hate you. They obviously don't.

If your wife deeply resented you, she would have gotten a divorce long ago. But your wife and kids are probably VERY CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED. They probably don't what to make of you. Deep down, your wife and kids probably know that you love them dearly. I mean, you've had five jobs in one year and yet your still able to make ends meet. But at the same time, they seem to have an enormous amount of doubts as to whether you even want to develop an accurate understanding of their needs and emotions. When you are able to sit down and have a heavy discussion with them about how AS affects you and your relationship with them, make sure you acknowledge everybody's point of view including your own. If you have difficulty putting yourself in their shoes' ask questions. Be honest, and frank in a sympathetic and compassionate manner.

Don't accuse anybody of anything. That will only widen the divide. However your family responds (even if they are screaming at you to pack up and leave), do not end your discussion with them without letting them know that you will do whatever it takes to understand their needs and emotions as best as you can. Let your family know that you are willing to put the amount of effort forth needed to become emotionally connected with them. Let's not forget that they need to develop an understanding and tolerance of not just your AS but you as a person.

Like I said, this is going to take time. As far as your children go, your probably going to have to earn their trust little by little. By doing little things such as say fixing their computers etc... making sure that you remember birthdays... going out of your way to find out how their days were, they'll grow more used to and trustworthy of you and so on. But please attend AS support group, educate your wife, and kids about it so they know how to help you.

I hope that helped.

May peace be with you and good luck.

Take care
Trent

lostitall, hang in there. i'm sure your kids love you. give them time, wait until they grow up. they are discovering their own world, but they have the time for you. or they will. i agree about the aspergian honesty, it can be a problem, it's a crime to fake it, but abandon somebody might be worse crime. hang in there, personally i'd drop all the meds. sometimes they cause more harm, then again anything that help us going through. don't you ever think your kids don't love you. they will become adults and they will talk to you way different than they do now. you'r an excellent writer indeed, as somebody said. cheers