How to cope with separation?

So i dont really know if i have AS or not, but for many years i am searching why i perceive things so differently, than others, why i dont not know how to flirt, why i can not find a job, why i can not trust anyone, or if i do then i regret it, why i dont like clubbing and parties, why i can not start small conversations with people etc. Back in 2007 i had a psychotic episode followed by a panic attack and after that post-psychotic depression. As a result i took heavy meditation. during that period my journey started, the quest to find what i really have, cause i thought that everyone was hiding the truth from me. So one week or so before just by googling, youtubing, i encountered the asperger's syndrome and i found my self to have 90% of the symptoms.

To make the long story short at the same time my girlfriend decided to flirt and hang out with another guy which i found out. After that i said "ok thats enough lets end it", exactly after 2 years. 2 months before we had to make a very painful decision cause she got pregnant. I was totally against abortion theoretically and ideologically, but i could not defend my opinion, cause i dont have a job. Anyhow she told me that the abortion was the main reason she started to think that she can not see future in our relationship, i m not the father she wants for her children, cause i am totally irresponsible, i dont have plans for future, i totally dont care about the future, i dont want to find job etc. Furthermore she confide in me that the first time we made love one week after the abortion she suffered so much pain, but she didnt tell me anything back then.

The problem is that after my initial response to her betrayal (to break up), as always in my life i started to have second thoughts, that i was very harsh, that i acted very hastily. that i have to give her another chance, in order to talk about all these problems and all these thoughts. But she didnt want. She thinks that even though it was not a proper way to end this relationship, it is the right thing to do. And for one more time in my life i found myself dont know what to do, how to react, how to express my feelings, and how to give her to understand that in reality i didnt want to break up, i just wanted to make her understand how much she hurt me. Now i am alone again, cause i dont believe in friendship between man and woman especially when they were couple before.

The fact that irritates me is that if i really have AS (as i said above i just got auto-diagnosed) so many things about my behavior, and mentality would be explained, and i was so close to that. I really wanted to try to overcome these things with her and move on. I had also 2 major relationships in my life that ended cause i could not make the "next step". To be honest many times during these 2 years she advised me to go again to a psychologist/psychiatrist i just couldnt decide. If i really have AS some things dont change, and people have to accept me as i am and that is it.

Anyhow anyone else find very difficult to break up, even though you have all rights to do that, even though the other person hurt you? Anyone else feel that it would be so difficult to find a spouse again, and that fear paralyze you?

And another question. If i get diagnosed with AS it would be right or wrong to reveal it at the beginning of a new relationship? Which are your experiences on that?

P.S of course we met in a chat room and all my relationships (except of one) started in chat.
PPS sorry for my bad english, i am not a native speaker.

Ok I am new here and i don't know how this forum works. I assume that wall of texts are not appreciated much. So I offer you a too long didn't read version.

I broke up with my girlfriend after a 2 years relationship cause she cheated on me (she flirted in a dance party, they exchanged phone numbers, they send each other sms and after 3 weeks they went for a coffee [at least that's what she told me when i found out that was something wrong with her behavior]). After that I said to her to break up, but after 2 days I wanted to discuss more and be together again.

My questions are:
Anyone else find difficult to go away from a relationship, to lose people even though they hurt you (engaging in a masochistic behavior), especially when you know how difficult it's for you to make friends/relationships and if its right or wrong to inform your girlfriend/boyfriend at the beginning that you suffer from AS?

Picaro wrote:Ok I am new here and i don't know how this forum works. I assume that wall of texts are not appreciated much. So I offer you a too long didn't read version.

I broke up with my girlfriend after a 2 years relationship cause she cheated on me (she flirted in a dance party, they exchanged phone numbers, they send each other sms and after 3 weeks they went for a coffee [at least that's what she told me when i found out that was something wrong with her behavior]). After that I said to her to break up, but after 2 days I wanted to discuss more and be together again.

My questions are:
Anyone else find difficult to go away from a relationship, to lose people even though they hurt you (engaging in a masochistic behavior), especially when you know how difficult it's for you to make friends/relationships and if its right or wrong to inform your girlfriend/boyfriend at the beginning that you suffer from AS?

Everyone on the planet has that problem. Most people don't enjoy separation from someone they developed feelings for.

But I can see how it would be even harder for you, seeing as you said you have a hard time meeting people.

Are you hurt that you have a hard time finding someone and your gonna have to find someone, or are you hurt that you split up with this particular person? people often get confused on what they real problem is. Sometimes it can be the idea of having someone there, not the particular person they are having trouble accepting, not that they lost this one particular person. It might help you to distinguish where exactly your issue is coming from.

I would wait a little bit. Let her get to know you, and you get to know her before you drop a bomb. If after 3-4 weeks she has no problem with you and everything is going smoothly( as smoothly as things could go in a relationship), then tell her.

And yes, I have difficulty with separation to the point it makes me almost suicidal or at the very least highly unstable. I once drank 2 large bottles of cough syrup after taking some benzos because I thought the girl was using me and about to throw me out (this was a unstable moment, not suicidal. And the kicker is she wasnt, bu my actions paved the way to that happening). Tripped for 3 days, spent a night and a day in ICU, bout completely killed my car battery in a field 3 miles from my house (had to walk back to my house robo trippin), burned half a tank of gas and this eventually led up to me going to rehab where more unstable consequences happened(jail and homelessness).I still have trouble getting over a female from 3 years ago. Every so often I will become gloomy over the female. But its not as bad as it used to be. Im likely one of those people who would stay in chaotic, abusive relationships just because I don't want to separate.

So yes, I feel you on not dealing with separation well. I dont have much advice because I haven't been able to figure anything out. But I thought Id just let you know your not the only one.

zausel wrote:
Are you hurt that you have a hard time finding someone and your gonna have to find someone, or are you hurt that you split up with this particular person? people often get confused on what they real problem is. Sometimes it can be the idea of having someone there, not the particular person they are having trouble accepting, not that they lost this one particular person. It might help you to distinguish where exactly your issue is coming from.

I really think that i have an understanding about my situation so every time i manage to form a relationship i consinder it very precious. Out of low self-esteem i believe that in order for a woman to be with me and tolerate me (for over 1 year) she is special to me. I really dont have any problem to go into a chat room and start talking and eventually meet another girl. But i dont want to do this again, i am disgusted with my self engaging in that way of flirting and i am ashamed to say it.
Yes many times i think that i only need someone to be there for me. I dont know how to express that feeling, i dont know how to earn this.
Its a mixed up feeling neither altruistic nor selfish. I know i am hurt cause that i split up with THIS particular person, but the reason is unknown to me.
Anyhow ty for your response.

zausel is right that separation is always difficult, especially when you find it hard to make connections in the first place.

I've not been in the same situation as you, so can't really offer any advice ... in the past I tended to end relationships early, in order to avoid getting hurt and also because I quite often couldn't cope with the emotional intensity.

However, one positive I would add is that there is probably someone out there who is just right for you, and although it might take time, you will find that person. I was lucky and have been happily together with my (now) husband for over 10 years. It took us a while to find each other, but he is tolerant of my AS traits and allows me the "space" I need: we are the right fit, so to speak, personality-wise. The right people are out there, so try not to despair about losing this particular girl. Easier said than done, I know, though ...

Don't worry about the long post - a lot of people drop in here when they can, so sometimes it takes a little while to get a reply. Re. diagnosis, it wouldn't change who you are, but it can help to explain a lot of things in your life. Telling other people is always a judgement call: I have told very few people because it would make very little difference, but I did tell my husband (although I kept my suspicions about having AS secret for a long time).

I just wanna say that after all these days, i 've passed from denial and grief to revenge. I want to revenge that girl, in order to understand how much she butthurted me.

Is it typical for Aspies to seek and take revenge?

First off, I´m not diagnosed.

Picaro wrote:Anyhow anyone else find very difficult to break up, even though you have all rights to do that, even though the other person hurt you? Anyone else feel that it would be so difficult to find a spouse again, and that fear paralyze you?

I have never been in a relationship, but am pretty sure I´d struggle with this very thing if I did because I´ve felt abandoned before I even had the chance to get close, tbh. The times I feel like someone is leaving me or planning on doing so, I´m typically at a higher risk of doing stupid things. Nowhere near zausel´s experiences, but that is mainly because I am usually in full control of myself.

Yes, I don´t think I will be able to find anyone to be with who would tolerate me, whom I could relate to. I also feel like the pain of splitting wouldn´t be worth it.

Picaro wrote:If i get diagnosed with AS it would be right or wrong to reveal it at the beginning of a new relationship? Which are your experiences on that?

If you are sure it is a serious one and AS has a significant impact on your behaviour or explains it well in a way that other explanations would not, then I think it could be useful. Generally, it won´t make you a different person though but only change their perspective. Depending on the person, this could be good or bad.

Picaro wrote:Is it typical for Aspies to seek and take revenge?

Probably depends on the individual.

Picaro wrote:I just wanna say that after all these days, i 've passed from denial and grief to revenge. I want to revenge that girl, in order to understand how much she butthurted me.

Is it typical for Aspies to seek and take revenge?

i don't know if it's common, but i've had pretty intense desires for revenge. i ruminate on them but don't carry them out.

i don't suggest it: either ruminating on revenge or carrying it out. it's miserable. the anger is very alienating, and it just tends to result in depression.

ireneadler999 wrote: the anger is very alienating, and it just tends to result in depression.

But if you have depression either way? I was never able to do the right thing at the right place and time. I always had to wait alone in the dark, and think what to do. But the time passes and people can not wait you to act...

Picaro wrote:

ireneadler999 wrote: the anger is very alienating, and it just tends to result in depression.

But if you have depression either way? I was never able to do the right thing at the right place and time. I always had to wait alone in the dark, and think what to do. But the time passes and people can not wait you to act...

there really is no advantage to taking revenge, especially in this situation. sometimes in the moment that's difficult to see, because when you're ruminating anger is doing the thinking for you. but in the end, what could you really hope to gain? it won't bring her back, and if anything, it will just drive her further away.

the most you would end up with is a sort of momentary satisfaction, and that's very fleeting. in the mean time:

1) you've just caused pain or discomfort to someone you once cared about.

2) you'll have to live with the guilt of that.

3) depending on what kind of revenge you plan, there could be legal consequences.

4) you may live with ruined chances of future relationships.

and so on.

the only possible case anyone could make for revenge as an advantage would be in situations of bullying or harassment---then the advantage would be that these activities might stop. (but in general, the disadvantages even in this case could outweigh the advantages, because it could also escalate---and then there is shame to live with also.)

there is no behavior to stop in this case. she isn't bothering you. and what you would lose is so much greater than you would gain.

also, the depression of a lost relationship is relatively short term. it doesn't seem like it when you're in the midst of it, but it is. eventually it fades. on the other hand, the depression that would come from the shame of knowing you'd done something wrong is indefinite---that can last an entire life time.

if you want to do the right thing at the right time, then let the idea of revenge go.