What do you do in a relationship?

Not that I was "at risk" of getting into one, but lately I´ve started hanging out with a friend again who has been with her bf for about six months now and as nice as it is to see them happy and loved up, I could not help but wonder wtf they (or people in relationships in general for that matter) do to kill all this time they spend together. While I imagine it to be cool to have someone you can connect to well, who you like and feel comfortable around and who feels the same about you ect., I really imagine it to be quite boring. I even get bored with or tired of people I share interests with or who I know I can talk to about most anything.

All the media (only source of information for me in that regard, lol) seems to be interested in showing is people falling in love, chasing after each other and having sex. They certainly cannot do any of these all the time? So, they make out, cuddle and tell each other how awesome they are or whatever they do. What do they do then? Is it like being friends plus physical contact? I am confused.

So, title says it all. Personal experiences, guesses, articles or whatever.

Do you think there´d be a difference between aspies and NTs (in their need for privacy or time to themselves, for example)?

-Camelidae

For me it's been just as you've described. Friends with very close intimate contact, though your friend is someone you connect with more than many other people, like if you have a best friend - your partner is a step or two above that. Or I'm describing love. I don't know.

As for intimacy, I only know about my relationships - and there's a healthy amount of it going on in any I've had since my first girlfriend, because I became much, much less shy.

I try not to think about what other people I'm friends with or related to do when I'm not with them simply because I know couples have sex. I'm not uncomfortable with myself about it, but I've never enjoyed thinking about other people doing it. Less is more.

There might be a difference, but it really depends on the person I suppose. If I'm comfortable with someone, I enjoy spending as much time as possible with them, and I've discovered my "traits" are rather endearing, though I suppose that's because I come off as a very sweet and goofy guy. I've read that aspies tend to be bad at relationships, however, due to needing a lot of alone time and every other negative trait I've seen books written about.

Camelidae wrote:Not that I was "at risk" of getting into one, but lately I´ve started hanging out with a friend again who has been with her bf for about six months now and as nice as it is to see them happy and loved up, I could not help but wonder wtf they (or people in relationships in general for that matter) do to kill all this time they spend together. While I imagine it to be cool to have someone you can connect to well, who you like and feel comfortable around and who feels the same about you ect., I really imagine it to be quite boring. I even get bored with or tired of people I share interests with or who I know I can talk to about most anything.

All the media (only source of information for me in that regard, lol) seems to be interested in showing is people falling in love, chasing after each other and having sex. They certainly cannot do any of these all the time? So, they make out, cuddle and tell each other how awesome they are or whatever they do. What do they do then? Is it like being friends plus physical contact? I am confused.

So, title says it all. Personal experiences, guesses, articles or whatever.

Do you think there´d be a difference between aspies and NTs (in their need for privacy or time to themselves, for example)?

-Camelidae

Ya, basically it is a friend you do the rabbit dance with. They tend to become your best of best friend after a period. There is romantic attachment ( strongly emotionally connected) not a platonic attachment. platonic attachment wouldn't be as emotionally connected as a romantic attachment.

from experience I have no idea how they work or what you do. Ive never gotten that far.

but in basic form a relationship is a friend you want to get in bed.

Hehe grossenschwamm is right. There's some subtle differences from my point of view. The only two long term relationships I have had (one of which I'm in currently) started out the same. This is to say that I had enough time not being with them to build up my image of what they are like and end up obsessing about them. This certainly led me to be very keen, attentive, thoughtful, flirty etc etc as I was keen to prove to myself that I could make them "mine". However, this does wear off and I've ended up with all the stereoptypical traits you read/hear about of people in relationships with aspies after maybe 6 months to a year into it.

There's a long list of problems that are all down to AS traits so I will resist scratching that itch to start typing them out. I will say this though, I can't see it getting much better over time to be honest.

When I've felt like I wanted a relationship and started dating someone I wasn't already "obsessive" about they've failed miserably as I've just not had the strength / motivation / interest to see them more than once a week / fortnight. Trying to see them anymore than this (which the other person would normally want to do) felt stressful and hence I've ended it because relationships shouldn't be stressful (imo).

Maintaining them long term is difficult as I've been of the belief that you shouldn't have to make efforts to be with someone to make it work, it should be easy/natural and not forced, else what is the point? Anyway, that aside, intimacy is another issue for me in itself, I would say I have a low sex drive, but at the same time I've always acted upon my urge to have sex like everything else I do (for brevity I won't ellaborate). I suppose that having sex is supposed to be bonding as well as satisfying though but sex with me is neither of those as it finishes to quickly

So yes, what do you do in a relationship, make some small talk (yawn), have the odd bit of bad sex (if you are with me). Stay in and not see anyone (if you are with me). Watch the odd movie (as I can't bring myself to watch the tv she likes). Thats about it really.

Thanks for the replies.

Grossenschwamm wrote:I try not to think about what other people I'm friends with or related to do when I'm not with them simply because I know couples have sex. I'm not uncomfortable with myself about it, but I've never enjoyed thinking about other people doing it.

If that is how my post came across, I´ll have to correct myself, lol. I wasn´t exactly picturing them doing anything, just wondering what they do in general.

If I'm comfortable with someone, I enjoy spending as much time as possible with them

Like, how much time? For how long have you been with them? Did your (or their) behaviour, needs, feelings ect. change after some time? If so, in which way?

and every other negative trait I've seen books written about.

Do you have any of those traits as well? What did your, uhm, partners say/how did they react?

zausel wrote:from experience I have no idea how they work or what you do. Ive never gotten that far.

You´ve made it for three weeks. What did you do (seeing as you said you were clingy, I´d think you spent quite some time with one another)? Do you think what you call your craziness would have gotten better over time if you had stayed with her any longer (by building trust or something)?

The rabbit dance, oh lol. I´ve learned so many new phrases and words since I´ve registered on here.

ljg666 wrote:This certainly led me to be very keen, attentive, thoughtful, flirty etc etc as I was keen to prove to myself that I could make them "mine".

Curious. What did you do to make them yours? In which ways were you keen, attentive, thoughtful, flirty ect.?

I´ve never understood the concept of flirting. I´m guessing you can be flirty without licking your lips and rolling your eyes the way they do in commercials, but I really haven´t got a clue how that´d work.

ljg666 wrote:There's a long list of problems that are all down to AS traits so I will resist scratching that itch to start typing them out.

Please..? I´m interested.

ljg666 wrote:Maintaining them long term is difficult as I've been of the belief that you shouldn't have to make efforts to be with someone to make it work, it should be easy/natural and not forced, else what is the point?

I see that happen to me at some point.

ljg666 wrote:Anyway, that aside, intimacy is another issue for me in itself

Why?

ljg666 wrote:but at the same time I've always acted upon my urge to have sex like everything else I do (for brevity I won't ellaborate)

Screw brevity. Explain, please. (If you don´t mind, that is, of course)

Camelidae wrote:Thanks for the replies.
If that is how my post came across, I´ll have to correct myself, lol. I wasn´t exactly picturing them doing anything, just wondering what they do in general.

I just figure all couples act like I do in a relationship, though that's a bit of a generalization. I can understand that if you've either not been in a relationship or simply have sex as a given, you wouldn't really conceptualize other people "doing it." So, it might be just me - I hope I didn't inspire an image.

Camelidae wrote:Like, how much time? For how long have you been with them? Did your (or their) behaviour, needs, feelings ect. change after some time? If so, in which way?

Well, things always change. I find in the right kind of relationship, while different needs will come and go, the attachment towards the other person will continue to increase. In the bad kind (which are most of my relationships) needs will change, demands will arise, and gradually the people will grow apart - but quite normally I'll go from the positive "Oh! This woman is amazing, I must spend all possible time with her!" to "She'll love me again if I bend over backwards to please her...!" The second option fails because the obsession is directly implied as being clingy, and if it works, it still fails because you're being used.

I got lucky in that my first serious girlfriend loved me for the 10 years since we broke up in high school, and I loved her the entire time as well. We were quite "active" at the time, she had a pregnancy scare and decided that she didn't want to bring me down with a kid while I was 16. She distanced herself from me, which pissed me off because she just stopped telling me things (and kept on introducing hypotheticals in the hopes that one would cause me to break up with her {none involving pregnancy}), and I broke up with her because I was so fed up that I loved her and she wouldn't talk to me any more, never getting any closure. I spoke to her last november in person and found out why she stopped talking to me in the first place, and it's like no time went by at all. I'm not a stranger to protection, but it's worrisome when a girl misses a period and she's having sex. It kinda seems like our hearts were in the right place 10 years ago, but neither of us were old enough for such a relationship.

Camelidae wrote:Do you have any of those traits as well? What did your, uhm, partners say/how did they react?

Tangential speech. Bottling of emotions leading to a metaphorical explosion, preceded by more and more alone time. Lack of body language comprehension. Not understanding other people have thoughts different from mine, leading to some moments where I'd wonder why she was sad as opposed to happy like me, or wondering why I was upset and she didn't know why.

My first serious girlfriend took it in stride, but I was also much more rigid in my teens - I delivered ultimatums, which were always harmful. "Either *blank*, or I'm done." In retrospect it was a bad idea to say it like that, but quite a few times she had been confiding in another guy (who wanted to sleep with her) about how distant I could be and how she didn't know how much she could trust me. I had a reason, but I acted poorly.

One huge fight we had was when I decided to see Star Wars Episode 2 with her, because I thought it had to be at least as good as Episode 1, or perhaps better. I was so pissed off that the movie shattered my expectations of its quality at every single minute, that when she attempted to distract me from the silver screen (doing couples movie theater stuff) I would deny her, internally rationalizing it as "This movie has to have one good scene in it, and I don't want to miss it." She knew it was going to suck the whole time.

We made some ground rules for this time around;

We tell each other everything. No secrets, complete trust. It works out very well that way, though we both can require some coaxing to get the information out, and she knows I have AS at this point. neither of us knew while we were dating before. She bought one of those "AS makes you bad at relationships books, and she read through it - some stuff was like me, but the majority of it wasn't. The stuff I sortof fit wasn't to a great degree at all, and generally is more endearing than anything else. I wasn't a fan of the reviews, either.

My last serious girlfriend started out more than very well. As time went on and I figured I could tell her anything, I ended up telling her about AS. I tried telling her how it affected me, but she couldn't see it. I started being unable to eat, having constant body pains, and almost constant panic attacks - but I was "exaggerating" how much pain I was in. If I wasn't actually exaggerating and there was indeed something wrong (which there is), she didn't have faith that I'd ever recover and she started projecting how I was at the time into the future, figuring she'd always have to deal with my "$#%^." She told me more than once she couldn't wait for 10 or more years to settle down, and ironically she had been telling me not to plan into the future with her. It was horrible, and I don't wish what happened on anyone.

Camelidae wrote:

zausel wrote:from experience I have no idea how they work or what you do. Ive never gotten that far.

You´ve made it for three weeks. What did you do (seeing as you said you were clingy, I´d think you spent quite some time with one another)? Do you think what you call your craziness would have gotten better over time if you had stayed with her any longer (by building trust or something)?

The rabbit dance, oh lol. I´ve learned so many new phrases and words since I´ve registered on here.

I got a feeling it would only get worse. It was more of a I tried to spend ALOT of time with her, and when she wouldn't spend as much time as I wanted, or I took something wrong (I like that shirt. I would take it as she was being sarcastic and actually attacking me), or I suspected something( she only wore than shirt so she could meet someone and throw me out, shes having an orgy with her friends, she doesn't want to smoke with me because she has someone in the closet who's gonna come out when I go outside, any random mildly amusing in hindsight thoughts). I would turn into a battleship opening fire.

I wouldn't say 3 weeks is a relationship. Still trying to figure out if its worth being exclusive or not at that point.

if you see me do "relationship" with the quotations that's why.

I was married for 26 years (separated the past 5 yrs) to someone completely opposite of me - super extroverted, sociable, touchy-feely. Everything I wasn't but thought I wanted to be at the time (very young at only 19). I was very needy and wanted to be w/ him 24/7 in the beginning which was fine b/c he's the type that needs to be needed. Once we had a kid, that changed b/c all my focus went on our daughter. Unfortunately I never knew anything about AS during our marriage. Understanding my issues probably would have helped. As it was, it was always me who had all the problems so I would take the blame b/c I had such issues w/ intimacy and was forever needing space which he totally didn't get. He'd actually ask me if I'd had enough space yet!

As time went on, our differences began polarizing us so that he became the needy one which would cause me to withdraw more which only made him more needy. I am much happier on my own. I can't seem to tolerate being around anyone for any length of time w/out them seriously getting on my nerves. If I knew then what I know now, particularly about my AS, I would definitely have chosen someone more introverted who understood and accepted my issues instead of me thinking I needed to change b/c something was wrong w/ me. If you can't find someone like that I feel you're better off alone which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I like dating near-total opposites of myself. When I get to a certain level of comfort, I give full disclosure so they know what to expect. I can fake being sociable for a long enough time that no one notices how uncomfortable I am, and I feel just being able to get out there is good for me in that I get to study people. Plus, apparently I'm cool - so that helps.

In response to you questions Camelidae

Curious. What did you do to make them yours? In which ways were you keen, attentive, thoughtful, flirty ect.?

Ok, well my "method" for want of a better word was a bit of cheekiness with unswerving persistance and some humour that I'd mostly learned from watching film/tv - and observing others who were actually good with the opposite sex and copied that. Once I began dating that person (failure was not an option), I was still that obsessive that I must have had the appearance of all those other things, i.e. keen, attentive, thoughtful etc. However, I like to think I know the line between what is considered showing interest and the obsessive part so I reign it in as far as the other person is concerned.

As I've said though, it not so much wears off, as switches off like a light bulb as soon as they "fall for me" which I know is bad but I can't seem to help it or see that moment coming.

ljg666 wrote:There's a long list of problems that are all down to AS traits so I will resist scratching that itch to start typing them out.

Please..? I´m interested.

Ok, I made the assumption that that bit would be self explanatory but certainly the main one being that my distinct lack of desire to be social with "friends", family etc causes tension because my partner feels like we never do anything (and she doesn't like going to things on her own all the time). Not only that, despite explaining to her why I need time on my own over and over again and that its not personal, she does regularly seem to take it as an insult that I'd rather play a video game say, in a separate room, than watch some (imo pointless) drama on tv with her.

On the same note, it causes tension when if I arrange to do something with the people I know, which I may do if I'm in need of extra fitness/exercise (usually football), she sees this as me not being interested in her (because I don't arrange to do anything with her).

ljg666 wrote:Anyway, that aside, intimacy is another issue for me in itself

Why?
ljg666 wrote:but at the same time I've always acted upon my urge to have sex like everything else I do (for brevity I won't ellaborate)

Screw brevity. Explain, please. (If you don´t mind, that is, of course)

Well in respect to intimacy, I do have sensory issues in that soft/subtle touch actually feels heavy / awkward / irritable to me. Sometimes she may go to hug me and I am cringing where as at other times I might welcome it. Haven't figured out why this is the case but maybe down to being prepared for it (or not) when it comes.

Plus, I probably have what constitutes as a very low sex drive so the only time I appear interested in sex is likely to be at times when its been a long time and I'm "hungry" in the same way that I will eat / sleep when Im hungry / tired etc. Thus, maybe for this (or likely other reasons as well) Im not very good in that area: terrible rythmn / co-ordination unable to multitask very well - basically I probably have a lot of hang-ups around sex such that it also over too abrubtly.

Essentially, I'm a great catch!