Very confusing to me!

Hi, I have aspergers and my b/f doesnt and its all a bit messy now!
Apologies for the length of the post, tried to keep it short! Id like some opinions please! About 6 months ago I had a fairly serious accident which left me in a huge amount of pain which I could only control with heavy duty painkillers. Some days I had no idea what I was even talking about and had some wild mood swings as the painkillers were basically extremely addictive. During this time my b/f looked after me very well and helped me a lot although on several occasions I screamed at him for basically no reason. I was extremely apologetic later and tried to explain that the painkillers were messing me up. He spent a lot of time doing stuff for me, more than he really needed to. I kept saying "dont you need to do your own stuff" but he said "its nice to be needed"

so, a few weeks ago I was on a different aspergers forum and I found a post he had made about me! How did I know it was about me...??? well, it had all sorts of unnecesary detail like what I do for a job very specifically, what the accident was etc. Basically, to anyone who knew me including my employer , it identified me. The first part was fair enough, how hard it had been and how I had yelled at him. But then it got into how I was trying to take over his life and how he had to stand up to me or I would totally dominate him etc. This is just nothing like the truth. Im very busy in my own life and just needed a hand while I was in pain. And he kept offering. And sometimes it seems like he doesnt have that much going on in his own life so he just joins in mine.

Then there was a second post about five days later in response to some aspie men. Some of it was fairly offensive I thought, like was I giving him enough sex while I was injured etc. Instead of ignoring that he got into a discussion about our sex life. And again made comments about how hard it was to live with me. He said it had been "an emotional hell" living with me and detailed what a selfish demanding person I am!
Anyhow, I confronted him and said " You cant put details that identify me on the internet" He agreed and said "he just didnt think" and when I pushed him he went online and deleted the post.
And then I said," well, I assume you want to split up then because life is so bad with me" and he was all no,no I love you so much, I didnt mean any of it etc etc

He says he was just "venting" but I dont get it! Yes I yelled at him but there was all this other stuff that was just invented. Like how I want to dominate him and take over his life. Im so busy doing my own stuff, and Im away heaps of the time working, its like he said the exact opposite of the truth. I understand venting but how does it work when its not the truth? Is it just me? I dont understand this, even if im really angry the things I say are still based on some truth. His post was fairly vitriolic about what a rubbish person I am, so if its even a quarter of what he feels....

He keeps saying it was written "in the moment" but then I said "but you were still saying this stuff five days later, thats a long moment" Oh and looking at the dates, particularly when he made the second post I remember that was a really nice day we had together. And I had cooked him his favourite meal. And then he goes online (while I am home!) and says how rubbish I am. I said that to him and he said "Well, I was recalling the emotion from the other day" And I do not understand that at all! Does that mean he is carrying all this anger around under the surface? I cant read that stuff and he knows that.

I feel like I cant understand any of this and when he talks its all so convoluted and complicated. He is pushing very hard for us to stay together. He says he was just "angry and stupid" and looking to find out why I yelled at him. I did point out it was the painkillers and had nothing to do with aspergers
At the moment Im thinking I should split up with him anyway because I cant understand him at all and I cant work out what he wants from me.
I guess I dont know if its me with my aspergers or are his actions very strange?
I would really appreciate some honest opinions because Im just confused now!

Finding such a post would make me feel very self-conscious in a relationship with the person who'd written it, especially if it was going against what I thought was happening in the relationship, but I really wouldn't like to give any advice on what you should do because I don't think I've been in a similar position.

It does sound very confusing though, yes.

Sounds like your b/f, while obviously caring for you very much, has a lot of pent up resentment over issues he may not fully understand or relate to. My husband has never understood my issues, esp my need for a lot of space (he'd actually ask me if I've had enough space yet! ) and my aversion to physical touch (he's touchy feely and took it as a personal rejection). Then I developed severe rheumatoid arthritis which, on 1 hand made me "need" him more b/c I was disabled from doing a lot of stuff (he also likes "to be needed", in fact needs to be needed), but on the other hand made me avoid touch even more b/c it caused pain. We have been separated for 4 yrs now in large part b/c of both my physical disease and the aspergers, which I didn't know I had when we were together. Even if we had known about it, I doubt it would have mattered b/c he probably wouldn't have done anything to learn more about it to deal w/ it better. He certainly didn't regarding my RA.

Has your b/f tried learning more about AS to better understand how to deal w/ it? That would be my suggestion and possibly counseling if it is a serious relationship you want to go long term w/.

@ 373 Yes it is confusing! Dont worry I dont know anyone who's been in this situation either, but I think BeMused might have picked what it is really about!

@BeMused I think you're absolutely right about the "pent up resentment".

This came a shock to me, I thought if there was a problem he would tell me. I am.. whatever the opposite of pent-up is...I just say whatever I have to say then and there.Thats why I find this so hard to relate to. And why I didnt pick that he was angry underneath.

Now he just wants everything to be all loveydovey again.....and swept under the carpet..

And Yes he has tried to learn about Aspergers but its strange, he wont listen to what I say about how it is for me. I have practically begged him to communicate simply and straightforwardly. I dont ask for any other special treatment, just that he speaks to me clearly and unambigously. He doesnt seem capable of it, he contradicts himself constantly or just cant give a straight ansewer and says things that are just meant to sound deep and mysterious. He actually says that "Im very deep"!

When we first got together he went on and on about how much time he likes to himself. Except it turns out I like even more time to myself. He seemed to resent that, as though it should be the woman in the relationship chasing after him. And then he writes that I am "taking over his life". So maybe he said that because he couldnt admit the truth.. "I wish she needed me a bit more"

I dont know how Im supposed to get him to speak honestly with me..I cant force him and it just does my head in how he twists things.
And yes it was supposed to be a longterm relationship, I was thinking I would probably marry him, before all this came up...because I thought we were both so happy!

And BeMused I do hope your RA is under control a bit and you are not having to deal with too much pain now? I never knew before this accident how hard it is to live with pain.

Hi, I'm not surprised you're feeling very confused - I think most people would, whether AS or NT. I too would have been deeply and hurt shocked if my husband had ever done anything like that, and it would defnitely have made me ask all the questions you are asking yourself. Speaking to a trusted friend or work colleague, or even posting anonymously for advice is one thing, but posting identifying information is another ...

I think BeMused makes a very good point re. pent up emotions on your b/f's part, and this is something that he needs to explore. Nevertheless, the fact that he posted identifying information must be upsetting in the extreme. One of the attractions of these boards (for me at least) is that you can be yourself but retain a good degree of anonymity, provided you're careful with identifying information - other people are quite happy to reveal their real identities (and that is fine too), but I really don't think it is good to reveal someone else's.

BTW, in my case, my AS is something that my husband has absolutely no issues with, and in many respects our relationship may actually work all the better for it, in that he knows I will always be straight and honest with him. He knows I can take things literally sometimes, and that I get massively stressed over things, but that knowledge has helped us lots. It also makes me stop and question my reactions sometimes, and take a step back rather than over-reacting to something he's said or done. Oh, and one of my 'special interests' is also his (- he's definitely NT!), so he loves my deep understanding of it

Now everyone is different, so what works for one won't necessarily work for another, but I think it's fair to say that while he may not understand everything, we have a very workable relationship. My knowledge of my AS helps me to make more of an effort when I need to and his knowledge allows us to have a pretty normal (and happy) marriage.