A Slight Obsession

I'm a 17 year old girl with Asperger's Syndrome who has only just been diagnosed about 5 months ago. I tend to have slight... Obsessions...

And of course, this is normal and expected for Aspies, right? .. Right... But the problem is, I don't just become obsessed with hobbies or objects, I become obsessed with people. It's almost as if I want to be them. I want to be around them all the time, I think about them all the time and I couldn't imagine my life without them.

This 'obsession' doesn't really help me in the making-friends department. Especially when guys are involved. Don't get me wrong, I get along with guys better than I do girls. Girls are less... 'gracious' with me. The only problem I have with having guy friends is I become rather attached and grow a rather huge crush. Which brings me to my current problem. My best friend, whom I've only been friends with for a few months, but if you saw us together you'd think we'd known each other for years, is a guy and I'm kinda in love with him. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend... Dammit!

I know it's only natural for girls to be in competition over a guy, but I hate it. I can't even tell if he knows that I like him so much! My friends who have seen me with him say that it's so obvious that it's pathetic. And yes... I constantly flirt... Even though it's sub-consciously most of the time. Luckily, the main idea that most guys get about me is that I'm rather innocent and naive. Lucky me. This usually leads to me being 'friendzoned' or 'brozoned'... And this is when it's becoming an issue.

I feel as though I want to be more to my best friend, but I can't because of his girlfriend. But I don't know how to back off without feeling detached from him. I've been called 'clingy' by multiple people on many occasions and I just don't know how to deal with it.

If anyone can help me with my situation, please do. I really don't know what to do or how to deal with this...

I can relate on the obsessiveness and getting the big crushes. I never look for a relationship, but once I've been coaxed into one I can get like you describe (twice), since my last relationship 12 months ago I've only had one crush (but a huge crush & kind of obsessive...)

I hadn't got round to posting anything about that sort of thing yet as it's quite hard to find out how to explain right, so sorry I can't help but I'll be interested to see what anyone else says about it.

I'm a guy, and I had similar issues with girls when I was in high school. I believe this quote from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind described my situation perfectly:

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

I would then need to know absolutely everything about them, which became a problem as they always wanted to tell me everything because I was such a "good listener". Really I just sucked at talking so I let them do it. That everything involved all of their problems with their boyfriends. That made it a lot harder to deal with knowing that their relationships were so imperfect and obsessively thinking about how much better I would do.

Honestly, you just have to relax and find someone who isn't in a relationship already. It's tough to do, but it'll happen eventually. I started dating my current gf senior year of high school and we've been together for three years now.

funkenstein91 wrote:...I was such a "good listener". Really I just sucked at talking so I let them do it..

Ha, I had this through high school, well only on MSN, but I would have like a couple of conversations going a lot of the time I was on there being 'agony aunt' (agony uncle?), never really offered any advice because most of the time I didn't really know what they felt, obviously, but could arrange the conversation so that they worked it out themselves.

It was MSN/AOL chats that made me realize that everyone likes to lie about mental problems. I would go back and notice inconsistencies in everything they said. Made me develop some huge trust issues.

I get this too. funkenstein and 373 described it well. As soon as someone gives me positive attention my mind starts rotating. I have trouble differenciating between liking someone, being in love with/having a crush on someone or simply being fascinated with or interested in them which adds to the over-thinking and obsessing, because instead of finding out what to do only I also have to find out how I feel first.

If it is obvious that you cannot be with him, you´d have to think about if withdrawing from him or still seeing him as a friend is more hurtful to you. If you do withdraw: I found keeping yourself busy and distracted helpful. Give it some time, you will probably need it. Best if you do not see him for a while at all until the "obsession" has "worn off" a bit. You should then be able to talk to them again afterwards.

I never feel not detached, I always feel as if I was not going to be able to be without them or not have them in my thoughts. I know now it actually is possible to be without them and, sadly, they can be without me just as easily. Seeing people come and go like that makes me sad sometimes, but it is possible to forget about even the nicest people.

I feel ya. All it takes is one thought "Do I like her?" and I'm lost. Game Over. I might as well move. I don't fall for many people but when I do I go all in.

You cant really control who you fall for. Its kinda involuntary. All you can do is A) deal with it B) cut off contact.

The only thing that has worked for me lately is to not get close to any new girls I would be even slightly attracted to. If I do have to be around them(because of mutual friends) I basically just ignore them. If they try talking to me, I act uninterested. Sometimes it can end up getting you in more trouble than you anticipate though. But lately I really haven't felt like being around people, so that helps some. It's bout your only option really. If your mind falls for someone, there's nothing you can do to undo it, except cut contact and forget about them.

Yes, "Do I like her?" and even "Is she flirting?" etc are very difficult.

This was posted on the Autism board by the way:

Aspie Chat Episode 2 Dating and Relationships
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMAc5UYzWkI

I like it, quite funny too.
It must be quite (very?) good to hang around with other people that have Asperger's.

Why would thinking about whether or not someone likes you or having positive attention directed at you make you fall for the other person? It happens to me a good deal of times, but I´m still not quite sure why. Thoughts?

How does flirting work anyway?