Help! Dad has asbergers...

I am 18 years, and we found out either last year or the year before, that my dad has asbergers, or autism spectrum disorder. For us, this wasn't such a surprise, and it didn't change the way we feel about him. I am one of 4 children of my parents, the oldest being 19, and the youngest 10, all living at home. We had always suspected that something was different, as most the men on his side of the family show strong asbergers traits, suggesting is runs in the family. I remember my parents fighting when I was younger, but I didn't really understand it, and it wasn't nearly as much as now. The problem is that he thinks that he is so different that he can't be himself or we will all hate him. He has twisted his head into this thinking that he can't do anything right, and that we don't want him around - all of which isn't true. He is extremely sensitive about extremely insignificant things, and if you do something wrong or something he doesn't like, he launches into a great rant and tries and tries to 'sort it out', but the reality is that nothing that we could say or do that would actually solve the reason why whatever it is that had happened. No matter how hard I try, I can't please him. He seems to think that we think differently of him because of his diagnosis, but none of us do. It doesn't change the fact that he is our father and he raised us. It is causing a lot of stress on my mother, as she has to try to calm him down when he is going off at us, which then directs it to her, which just exhausts her. My dad has been spending increasing amounts of time away from home, as to escape the life he has here. He likes some time alone - we accept that, but in the last year he has been to numerous overseas destinations, back & forth from city to city, and busy in all sorts of meetings and boards. When he is home he spends most time in the office (family business), before he comes in, and generally starts upsetting everyone again.

We just don't know how to deal with it. It's like he's so lost in his self pity and ideas of how things should be that he doesn't know how to act, he has lost his ability to rely on his natural instincts, so tries (and most often fails) to act like who he thinks he should be. When he is doing this, he speaks quietly, slowly, and takes every chance he has to explain how he is the victim, and he is trying and we aren't. It's so hard, and is wearing us all down. If you have asbergers, or are knowledgable about it all, I would appreciate if you could help me to understand what we can do to help him understand and accept himself again. If you can identify with what I have described, please could you explain why etc. Any comments or tips would be much appreciated.

thank you!

Kelly.

Hia Kiwi,

It's called Aspergers, not Asbergers but that's not important.

Kiwi, this is really stuff for a professional to help him with. There is not much you, nor your family can do to help him. Also nothing you'll find on the internet will be of much help.

Aspergers in itself is not a very lifechanging condition, especially when you get older. His behavior as you describe it seems more the result of the shock of being diagnosed with what he believes is some mental illness.

Aspergers is not a mental illness and people can function perfectly fine with it. The only issues that could cause problems at a younger age are difficulties engaging in social contact. But that wears away over time or gets less important.

Aspergers is frequently associated with higher intelligence and original thinking. Overall it's a bonus.

Your father reacting the way he does must have some other reason. He needs to talk to a professional with lot's of experience with Aspergers, and they are not that common.

A 'normal' psychiatrist mostly doesn't understand it too well neither.

You could maybe try and get him to talk to us directly so we can reassure him the Aspergers is nothing to be afraid of.

Hi there. Thanks for the reply. I agree with your opinion that it's not the asbergers, but what he thinks of it that is the problem. I know that he has seen some sort of counsellor in the past, but all that seemed to come from that was that he seemed to think that it was all our fault. He is not really open to anyone suggesting that he needs help, or anyone criticising him (yet he is happy to criticise us and tell us that we have problems).
I don't think he's afraid of it as such, more he thinks that the person he is with asbergers traits is unacceptable, so he is trying to be someone he's not, and gets annoyed with us when we don't like that. I suppose he is trying, but maybe in the wrong way.

Exactly. So anything you try to do will get interpreted as a 'proof' he's failing. I am afraid only counseling can really do something.

It hit him hard going by your description, presumably because of the social stigma of 'mental disorder' which lives in his head.

Can't you or your mother contact his counselor and explain he is falling apart?