The official off-topic thread

Nice to know NewSun, thanks for approving my posts!
Superstrijder

I just realized this is the non(specific)-topic thread. I don't know what I would call it but appropriate to my state of mine is the kitchen sink thread. Back in the day, I created a thread somewhere called "Politics, Religion and the kitchen sink". The idea was that it was for anything but it made sense for my frame of mind. So, I guess what I am saying is that I didn't realize my mind was off-topic as my mind was in the frame of being where I am.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is that after obsessing over many Youtube videos (and articles), I realized that I can and can't be Autistic because we are all different. Being different isn't any different than being "normal". We all struggle in different ways.

That was fun. Anyway, some of us really are different but maybe not so different in some ways. I have been married to my wife for almost 20 years. The other day, she realized I had suicidal ideation. She was like "I have never thought of suicide!". It's one of those things that puts things into perspective.

It's like when my wife was concerned about my daughter having extreme anxiety due to one of her teachers. My perspective was that she just had to get used to it. My wife thought I should be more empathetic. She didn't realize I lacked empathy because that was my life. Just deal with it was how I did stuff.

I am sort of at a loss for words because I don't know how to explain what it's like to be different but not different. I want to embrace it but I don't know what I am embracing due to the differences. I am starting to wonder if suicide is for those who know they are different and know it doesn't matter. The rest are "normal" or embrace "different".

I can't embrace what is best for everyone because everyone is different. While I think something is wrong or right, I know it isn't always wrong or right. This perpetual identity unidentification is very tiring. I was hoping I was in the right place but of course, it's "normal" and "different" to feel this way.

My disorder is nobody. Where does it belong?

i am who i am. that i relate to being AS is my personal choice. labels are like clothes - it's not much use having one if it doesn't fit you and you don't feel comfortable with it.

I was just hoping to make it easier on myself. Labels make that possible but also cause assumptions. It's still easier to say "I am this and that but not in that way" then it would be to list out each issue.

I think part of it is this whole male/female aspect I keep seeing. Females seem to be undiagnosed or misdiagnosed because they are better at fitting in while males just don't seem to care. I feel like I spent my whole life doing my best to fit in, so much that I don't have an identity.

I then kept seeing how a group of particular traits were weaker or stronger. What warrants a severity level in that particular group? I mean, it makes sense there are levels to ASD but then when you attach different disorders, those levels become more or less severe.

Really, I think I am just trying to explain this to myself openly since my mind is a mess. Once I write an open statement, I can then dissect it better.

I think my obsession is humans.

I hate this life is short!! ! Take risks! Normal is boring!! ! #######5 life advices for nts so much. How about you try take risks and be yourself when you have a neurological disorder instead of temporary anxiety???? Wonder how that would turn out? No suicide risk or anything.

I just want to not feel stressed for a minute. I am so confused.

-- Sat Jun 09, 2018 8:52 pm --

I just want to not feel stressed for a minute. I am so confused.

I can surely get behind confused. I don't seem to feel stress like others. It's all physical/unconscious. My conscious mental state is usually somewhat euphoric/optimistic, I think, due to dissociation. It's all well and good until I breakdown.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:I can surely get behind confused. I don't seem to feel stress like others. It's all physical/unconscious. My conscious mental state is usually somewhat euphoric/optimistic, I think, due to dissociation. It's all well and good until I breakdown.

I used to dissociate a lot too, due to anxiety. It got a lot better with cognitive therapy. I don't know which state of being i prefer, because i was somehow more productive that way.

AprilR wrote:I used to dissociate a lot too, due to anxiety. It got a lot better with cognitive therapy. I don't know which state of being i prefer, because i was somehow more productive that way.

I'm not very productive now so I guess I can agree with that. As for anxiety, I thought that was my spirit animal keeping me in check. I can be fairly inhibited without it. Unfortunately, I don't get to pick and choose the right and wrong places it makes sense.

CBT, that was an awkward 3 weeks. I assume the therapist and I were on different mental planes. DBT wasn't any better but at least the off shoot conversations were. I can't seem to find good help and usually just have to wait until I come back around. However, I follow the proper procedures because it just looks good.