Teen with possible Asperger's

First some history - I'll try to keep it brief. My son, now 14, is our eldest child. Problems began to emerge when he was 2 - notably with toilet training. He was referred to a psychologist at 3 to deal with encopresis (witholding stools) which persisted until he was 6. A diagnosis of Asperger's was suggested as a possibility at this stage although not pursued

We muddled through the next few years - school was always a problem and parent's evenings invariably ended in tears. When he was 9 we moved house and he was much happier in his new school, thanks mainly to a fabulous (male) teacher who taught him for the 2 years he was there. The move to senior school was traumatic. DS was bullied and very unhappy and we asked for a referral again. By the time this came through we had managed to move him to a local grammar school and it was agreed with the psychologist that we would see how things went at the new school.

That was 18 months ago. He is happier but there continue to be problems. He is very busy with organized hobbies (music, scouts etc) but very rarely socialises informally and is very unpopular in his class at school, where he is seen as a 'geek'. He prefers to interact with adults or with much younger children.
He is very small for his age and physically and emotionally immature. I have 2 daughters (12 and 8 ) who he fights with constantly, recently kicking ED at the bus stop - her leg is still healing 3 weeks later. We do not seem to be able to rationalise with him. So, for example, re the incident with his sister we went through what happened, whether it is ever right to hit people etc etc. He seems to follow the logic (he is very bright) but then always at the end comes back to 'but she annoyed me' or whatever. He seems to externalise everything - so, no one likes him because he's clever etc.

He struggles to join in a conversation - not appearing to pick up social cues. He seems detached from others' feelings and oblivious of the impact of his behaviour on others. I think deep down he is unhappy and would like things to be different - tantrums are fairly common and occasionally he is very destructive, smashing up furniture in his room etc. However, I'm coming round to thinking he either cannot change or doesn't want to. I have a referral back to the psychologist but am wondering if I just have to accept that this is his personality. My husband has some similar though much milder traits and my brother in law has marked difficulties in social interaction. I thought things would get easier as he got older and I'm beginning to feel increasingly frustrated and angry with him. I know that we engineer a lot of situations at home to avoid conflict but still feel that his behaviour has a very negative effect on our family life.

So, after all that I would really appreciate people's opinions, especially as to whether you think there is anything to be gained for any of us in pursuing psychological help.

Thanks.

I'm just now starting therapy for my AS since I'm an adult and only recently diagnosed, but I can tell you that my history of tantrums sound a bit like your son's. Much like you stated, as I grew older they became less and less severe because I've learned to walk away from the situation and keep things on the inside. I still want to hit people, break things, throw objects, and scream as much as ever, but I just can't allow myself to do this as an adult. Therapy may help him a lot in many ways if you can find a psychologist with experience with Asperger's.

Hi,
Thanks for the reply.
I hope you find your therapy helpful. Obviously you've come to a realization that you want things to be different and are prepared to work to achieve that. I think my son wants things to be different without having to change his behaviour
Still, we have a referral back to the psychologist so we'll see how it goes.
Good luck.

At his age he may not yet understand these things are wrong yet because teenagers do not fuction on the same cognitive level as adults. I was 17 before I started to change my own behavior, but professional help would certainly accelerate the process and ease the frustrations on your family.

Hello!

I have to ask: is encopresis a symptom of Asperger's? I have a daughter, who now is 10 years old. When she was younger she had what you call encopresis (I never heard that word before, but I guess that's what she had). I think she may have Asperger's or maybe AD/HD. Now, when she is 10,she has a lot of problems, and it's really hard because no one seems to understand her problems. Tomorrow we are going to see a psychologist (again), and I really hope they will take us more serious now than they have before...

This wasn't an answer to you, but I just had to ask about the encopresis-thing. And I'm sorry about my English, it isn't so good but I hope that you all understand me...

Tanja

Hi Tanja,
I think encopresis occurs for various reasons but my understanding is that toilet training generally can be a problem with kids who have Autism or Asperger's - certainly training my son was a nightmare.
I hope it goes well for you with the psychologist. We had a very positive meeting with a psychologist today - and as a result have decided to pursue a diagnosis of Asperger's for my son.

Thanks Opivy for sharing your perspective - I do feel happier for knowing that we are going to get some professional help and hopefully my son will be happier too.
I guess I should register now if I'm going to be on here more often

Hi i was reading your post about your son who is 16, you are still waiting for a diagnosis. I thought i was alone out there, my son was just seen by another Psychologist, one of many. He told me that he was misdiagnosed over the years and he may have AS. I was shocked. My son is 13 and only now may have a diagnosis. He has struggled in school, but this year is in a wonderful program where they teach life skills. There is no academic pressure, and NO HOMEWORK! I am very happy and he is happy but it has been very difficult over the years. He doesn't understand empathy or social cues, and talks to everyone, which is scary. My son will be going to one of the top Neourlogical hospitals for an assessment in a couple of months. I was told that all questions will be answered.

Last year we almost lost him to foster care, when he became very violent when trantruming, i later discovered it was the meds he was on for anxiety. Things have improved but are still a challenge every day. I just wanted to say never stop fighting for your child, never give up even when it seems hopeless. I may finally get the help my child and our family needs.

Momofchjo