From reading your post he is a lot like me so it certainly can be Asperger's but this is only my opinion as I am not a medical doctor.
My husband hasn't been "officially diagnosed" because he won't go for any help.
Have you suggested Asperger's to him or just asked him to go for help for the ADHD? Maybe you can convince him to go to a marriage counselor who understands Autism as a start? There is probably a bit of guilt and shame in him. There is also a lot of fear of the unknown which may be leading him to not face reality.
My husband is obsessed with talking about his job. He can hold down a job, thank God, but the obsession with talking about something that I know nothing about (he is an electrician), literally has driven me crazy over the years. Now he will talk over my daughter just so he can tell his "wire" stories as I call them and even when I tell him blatantly that I dont understand what he is talking about because I am not an electrician, it doesnt matter. If we are with a group of people, and I try to send him a "signal"...either with my eyes or nudge him, he NEVER gets it. He talks ACT people CONSTANTLY.
This is typical. We do not generally have the ability to be aware that we are doing these things. I have had to learn over the years what is acceptable socially in conversation because I cannot read body language or facial expressions very well. Unfortunately, if your husband has Asperger's, all the clues in the world will not sink in. We also tend to obsess over a few topics (like his job) and assume that everyone else is interested. Unless we are told flat out that we are boring someone, we generally don't "get it." Since I have been diagnosed I have been much better in social situations because I make a conscience effort to not talk at people, listen and allow other to talk. I cannot do "small talk" though and many Aspies will tell you the same. We tend to want to talk about serious issues or things that we have an interest in. It is probably frustrating for you, but believe me when I say that he really doesn't have the instincts to "get a clue" so to speak.
I want to help him but I have to admit, I want to help myself too.
I don't blame you, it must be very frustrating for you to feel like you aren't being heard.
It doesnt seem like he enjoys parenting and it breaks my heart.
I don't know how he feels but I can tell you my experience as a parent. I have two little girls that I would die for but I know that it probably looks like I don't enjoy parenting from other's points of view. I just have A LOT of trouble expressing emotions. I feel them, it just looks like I don't care but I care immensely. And not just about my kids, but my entire family. I've never been a hugger or one to say I love you to my family but I would throw myself in front of a bus for anyone in my immediate family.
I just want some piece of mind that what I am going through can be helped in some way. I want someone to look at me and say "You have it hard too." It's ALWAYS about him. I am not in ANY WAY putting anyone down who has Asperger's...all I am trying to get across is the fact that the spouses need to be understood too. If anything I am looking for hints, solutions, some way to make life a bit more "liveable" for the both of us.
I didn't get that you were putting us down at all
We do tend to be very I, I, I, me, me, me. In conversation when I talk to others I always respond with "this happened to me as well." I don't realize that I am doing it, it is just the way I relate to others with my personal experiences. I'm sure that it comes off very self-centered.
Have you tried talking to him seriously in a sit-down situation about your concerns, hurts and worries? He likely won't get any "clues" you are dropping and he certainly won't understand passive-aggressiveness. I don't know if you are that way or not but if he has Asperger's I will tell you that he probably thinks very literally. You will have to spell out anything that you want him to know in black and white.
As with anything in life, you have to acknowledge that you have a problem, not that Asperger's is necessarily a problem, but the behaviors associated with it are obviously affecting you and your daughter so if he wants a happier marriage he'll have to acknowledge this and want to change. In my experience before my diagnosis, I was desperate to change my relationships but didn't really know what I was doing wrong because no one told me. I was just aware of the results so it made me very anxious and depressed on and off. After seeing a psychiatrist I was able to pinpoint the problem and now I make a conscience effort to be more "normal" with others and in other social situations.
I'm sure you have been reading the posts by us Aspies and are saying "yep, that's him."
I hope I've helped shed light on how "we" think a little bit. I know that there is a lot of information on the internet about the symptoms but it is often hard to find out how a person with a mental condition sees things.