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Married to an Aspie Support

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.
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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Married to an Aspie Support

Postby nycchic24 » Thu Jul 21, 2011 4:18 pm

HI all!

I am new to this forum and I am so interested in looking around and meeting new people.

I am married to a man who has Asperger's Syndrome. While he will NOT deal with the fact that he does have this disorder, I feel like a lot of the weight falls on my shoulders. I am looking for a place where I can connect with other spouses who DON'T have the disorder but deal with it every day.

*mod edit*

Noreen : )
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Feb 28, 2022 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: social media link
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Re: Married to an Aspie..anyone else?

Postby Chic Geek » Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:55 pm

Hi Noreen and welcome!

I would love to join your Facebook page if I had Facebook :D Anyway, I think most of us here are Aspies but I'll try to keep your post at the top so that lurkers can see it and join us if they can relate.

So I have a few questions for you if you don't mind. Was your husband formally diagnosed with Asperger's? What do you find the most challenging about it? Why do you think your husband doesn't want to deal with the reality of having it? For me it was such a relief to find out at 33. I knew I was different my whole life and spent many a year obsessing about what it was. I feel like such a burden was lifted off of my shoulders. It is only a label. It doesn't change who you are obviously. I suppose some people are afraid of being different or viewed differently in society but none of us are perfect, even Aspies :wink:

If you have any specific questions for us please don't hesitate. We can give you a little bit of insight into our point of view on the world.
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Re: Married to an Aspie..anyone else?

Postby nycchic24 » Fri Jul 22, 2011 3:01 am

Thank you for such a kind, warm welcome. I really do appreciate it!

My husband hasn't been "officially diagnosed" because he won't go for any help. I have been with him for 11 years, married for 9 and over the years our marriage has gone down hill. Now I know I am not a perfect person, but who is right? I am not the perfect wife nor do I try to pretend I am. Before we had my daughter (who is 5 now), I just dealt with things as they came. I didn't put much thought into "what was wrong," because honestly I thought it was just his personality. But after my daughter was born, the stress level in the house was beyond ridiculous and I wanted to figure things out.

I researched many different disorders and the one that I have come the closest to is Asperger's and ADHD. He was diagnosed with ADHD YEARS ago but stopped going to the doctor, refused counseling of any sort, did not want to be put on medication or any other answers. After I read and read about Aspergers, I was sure this is what my husband had. So many things just fall into place once you find out what makes up the disorder.

My husband is obsessed with talking about his job. He can hold down a job, thank God, but the obsession with talking about something that I know nothing about (he is an electrician), literally has driven me crazy over the years. Now he will talk over my daughter just so he can tell his "wire" stories as I call them and even when I tell him blatantly that I dont understand what he is talking about because I am not an electrician, it doesnt matter. If we are with a group of people, and I try to send him a "signal"...either with my eyes or nudge him, he NEVER gets it. He talks ACT people CONSTANTLY. He does not know simply how to love besides a physical relationship. This is only the tip of the iceberg but I dont have enough time at the moment to talk about everything.

I want to help him but I have to admit, I want to help myself too. My life has been falling apart for years. He literally starts 100 projects around the house and finishes none, leaving life in a shambles. He argues with our daughter as if he is either 5 or she is 35. It doesnt seem like he enjoys parenting and it breaks my heart. I just want some piece of mind that what I am going through can be helped in some way. I want someone to look at me and say "You have it hard too." It's ALWAYS about him. I am not in ANY WAY putting anyone down who has Asperger's...all I am trying to get across is the fact that the spouses need to be understood too. If anything I am looking for hints, solutions, some way to make life a bit more "liveable" for the both of us.

Again, thank you for welcoming me here. I truly appreciate it. I look forward to getting to know you all! : )
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Re: Married to an Aspie..anyone else?

Postby big314mp » Fri Jul 22, 2011 3:36 am

I'm an aspie with ADHD also, but I can share some of the things my girlfriend does to keep me on the level.

It sounds like you have more problems with the ADHD than with the Asperger's syndrome. I'm just guessing that based on your post. I think a problem that I face is understanding what is going on with people I am not familiar with. For example, parties are difficult for me, because there is so much going on, and so much social interaction, that I have difficulty coping. I tend to lapse into the robotic, "talk about inanities" mode, just because that is what I know the most about. My girlfriend helps provide a buffer between me and the rest of the unfamiliar people. When she senses that I am stressed, she will sit close to me, and draw my attention away from everything, so that I can regain my composure. When I start talking about things incessantly to her, she will quietly listen, and ask questions when she doesn't understand. It helps her understand me better, which makes my lectures more tolerable for her.

It will be difficult for you to help your husband if he doesn't have a diagnosis and doesn't want help. If you can convince him to see a doctor, it will make life much, much easier for you.\

-Andrew
"Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does."
-George Bernard Shaw
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Re: Married to an Aspie..anyone else?

Postby Chic Geek » Fri Jul 22, 2011 3:52 am

From reading your post he is a lot like me so it certainly can be Asperger's but this is only my opinion as I am not a medical doctor.

My husband hasn't been "officially diagnosed" because he won't go for any help.


Have you suggested Asperger's to him or just asked him to go for help for the ADHD? Maybe you can convince him to go to a marriage counselor who understands Autism as a start? There is probably a bit of guilt and shame in him. There is also a lot of fear of the unknown which may be leading him to not face reality.


My husband is obsessed with talking about his job. He can hold down a job, thank God, but the obsession with talking about something that I know nothing about (he is an electrician), literally has driven me crazy over the years. Now he will talk over my daughter just so he can tell his "wire" stories as I call them and even when I tell him blatantly that I dont understand what he is talking about because I am not an electrician, it doesnt matter. If we are with a group of people, and I try to send him a "signal"...either with my eyes or nudge him, he NEVER gets it. He talks ACT people CONSTANTLY.


This is typical. We do not generally have the ability to be aware that we are doing these things. I have had to learn over the years what is acceptable socially in conversation because I cannot read body language or facial expressions very well. Unfortunately, if your husband has Asperger's, all the clues in the world will not sink in. We also tend to obsess over a few topics (like his job) and assume that everyone else is interested. Unless we are told flat out that we are boring someone, we generally don't "get it." Since I have been diagnosed I have been much better in social situations because I make a conscience effort to not talk at people, listen and allow other to talk. I cannot do "small talk" though and many Aspies will tell you the same. We tend to want to talk about serious issues or things that we have an interest in. It is probably frustrating for you, but believe me when I say that he really doesn't have the instincts to "get a clue" so to speak.


I want to help him but I have to admit, I want to help myself too.


I don't blame you, it must be very frustrating for you to feel like you aren't being heard.

It doesnt seem like he enjoys parenting and it breaks my heart.


I don't know how he feels but I can tell you my experience as a parent. I have two little girls that I would die for but I know that it probably looks like I don't enjoy parenting from other's points of view. I just have A LOT of trouble expressing emotions. I feel them, it just looks like I don't care but I care immensely. And not just about my kids, but my entire family. I've never been a hugger or one to say I love you to my family but I would throw myself in front of a bus for anyone in my immediate family.

I just want some piece of mind that what I am going through can be helped in some way. I want someone to look at me and say "You have it hard too." It's ALWAYS about him. I am not in ANY WAY putting anyone down who has Asperger's...all I am trying to get across is the fact that the spouses need to be understood too. If anything I am looking for hints, solutions, some way to make life a bit more "liveable" for the both of us.


I didn't get that you were putting us down at all :) We do tend to be very I, I, I, me, me, me. In conversation when I talk to others I always respond with "this happened to me as well." I don't realize that I am doing it, it is just the way I relate to others with my personal experiences. I'm sure that it comes off very self-centered.

Have you tried talking to him seriously in a sit-down situation about your concerns, hurts and worries? He likely won't get any "clues" you are dropping and he certainly won't understand passive-aggressiveness. I don't know if you are that way or not but if he has Asperger's I will tell you that he probably thinks very literally. You will have to spell out anything that you want him to know in black and white.

As with anything in life, you have to acknowledge that you have a problem, not that Asperger's is necessarily a problem, but the behaviors associated with it are obviously affecting you and your daughter so if he wants a happier marriage he'll have to acknowledge this and want to change. In my experience before my diagnosis, I was desperate to change my relationships but didn't really know what I was doing wrong because no one told me. I was just aware of the results so it made me very anxious and depressed on and off. After seeing a psychiatrist I was able to pinpoint the problem and now I make a conscience effort to be more "normal" with others and in other social situations.

I'm sure you have been reading the posts by us Aspies and are saying "yep, that's him."

I hope I've helped shed light on how "we" think a little bit. I know that there is a lot of information on the internet about the symptoms but it is often hard to find out how a person with a mental condition sees things.
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Re: Married to an Aspie..anyone else?

Postby petrossa » Fri Jul 22, 2011 5:06 am

nycchic24 wrote:But after my daughter was born, the stress level in the house was beyond ridiculous and I wanted to figure things out.


I can relate to him here. I never could handle children. In fact i've had vasectomy in my early 20's just be sure no one could convince me to have one.

They are a constant grating on your nerves. It's like when you have dripping tap. As soon as you fix on it drives you nuts.

When i met my current partner she had still a 14 year old son. After 2 years i detested every inch of him, never ever spoke to him anymore, ignored his existence. That was not being mean, that was selfprotection. I just wanted to throw him out of the window.

At (his) age 18 i couldn't anymore, got super stressed and had cramped neck muscles so bad it gave me migraines. My relationship with me partner was seriously harmed. At 20 i wrote him a letter to get out within 6 months. After 5 months he hadn't moved an inch in that direction. So one day i went an agency rented an apartment on my name, gave his mother the keys and told her to get him out, NOW.

Now we are 6 months later, i'm relaxed, my partner is relaxed and our relationship is perfect.
There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
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Re: Married to an Aspie..anyone else?

Postby Aspies Wife » Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:01 pm

Yes. Together 12 years, married 9 years. In fact I wondered when I started reading your post if I had written it.

I get you. 100 percent. My husband is obsessed with soccer, fitness and films. We have the same difficulties when we are in social situations. subtle clues don't work. however, this part of it i can live with.
The following information I found on the internet and is so true of my situation and what has unfortunately happened in our relationship. It sums everything up perfectly for me, so I have pasted it below

"men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or “Bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he feels, so should she. He has no motive to understand her interior world so her complaints are bothersome to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy because he knows that he has good intentions so he resents the pressure. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world. Domestic violence is a serious problem in homes where one partner has Asperger Syndrome."

My husband has actually been diagnosed only 6 months ago, and agrees with the diagnosis but appears unwillingly to really explore what it all means and how significantly it has affected our family. He also has depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive symptoms and executive functioning issues. his work situation has become more unstable over the past couple of years and he struggles to understand new concepts and deal with the demands of a constant changing workforce. I believe the pressures of family life, growing children who have opinions and emotional needs have had a major impact on him going downhill in recent years.

I wonder..... was your husband good with your daughter when she was a baby? My husband was great when our children were babies. But as they got older and started to have more emotional needs, required structure discipline etc, my husband's difficulties really started to show. There is now a wide divide between my husbands and my 11 year old daughters emotional maturity and functioning capabilities. I am very sad to have to admit that our 11 year old actually manages things that her father cannot and he is quite dependant on both myself and our daughter to clarify things and ask what he should do in situations.

Sorry to rave on and on. I hope we can offer some support to each other. I find myself very alone, confused and overwhelmed a lot of the time.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby nycchic24 » Sat Jul 23, 2011 7:57 pm

I cannot tell you how great it feels that people understand not only my husband but ME! I have been looking for people to talk to, relate to, share with and I think I have finally found my outlet!

Not sure if I mentioned it but I started a blog on livejournal.com

Noreen24 is my screen name there.

I am starting to write down my difficult days..obstacles..what is stressing me out. Maybe we can help each other out there too.

*mod edit*

Time management is a HUGE OBSTACLE for us. Like today, my husband is doing a side job. Calls to tell me he will BE HOME by 3 pm. His friend says, no way. We won't be out before 5. I said I believe the friend and he got mad. Well he just called and guess what, he won't be out until at least 6 now. He does this EVERY SINGLE DAY. It takes him an hour to get milk from up the block. His dinner waits in the microwave for hours because hes never home at the time he says he will be. I can pack an entire car, child and household to go to the beach for the day in the amount of time it takes him to put on his sneakers. And I am not exaggerating at all! Is this something others are dealing with as well or this is more a personality thing?
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby petrossa » Sun Jul 24, 2011 6:26 am

nycchic24 wrote:
Time management is a HUGE OBSTACLE for us. Like today, my husband is doing a side job. Calls to tell me he will BE HOME by 3 pm. His friend says, no way. We won't be out before 5. I said I believe the friend and he got mad. Well he just called and guess what, he won't be out until at least 6 now. He does this EVERY SINGLE DAY. It takes him an hour to get milk from up the block. His dinner waits in the microwave for hours because hes never home at the time he says he will be. I can pack an entire car, child and household to go to the beach for the day in the amount of time it takes him to put on his sneakers. And I am not exaggerating at all! Is this something others are dealing with as well or this is more a personality thing?


As an aspie this doesn't resonate with me at all. I'm overly punctual. I'd be at the car before you would be. If i say i'll be home by X i'll be home before X. Logically because i don't like being around people (a common aspie trait) so i can't wait to return to my safe nest.

When i am somewhere after 10 minutes i start to move slowly towards the door. Nattering people get on my nerves.
There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby Chic Geek » Sun Jul 24, 2011 4:06 pm

nycchic24 wrote:Time management is a HUGE OBSTACLE for us. Like today, my husband is doing a side job. Calls to tell me he will BE HOME by 3 pm. His friend says, no way. We won't be out before 5. I said I believe the friend and he got mad. Well he just called and guess what, he won't be out until at least 6 now. He does this EVERY SINGLE DAY. It takes him an hour to get milk from up the block. His dinner waits in the microwave for hours because hes never home at the time he says he will be. I can pack an entire car, child and household to go to the beach for the day in the amount of time it takes him to put on his sneakers. And I am not exaggerating at all! Is this something others are dealing with as well or this is more a personality thing?


I can't relate with this either because my on time is 15 minutes early and I get major anxiety if I am late. I think the time management thing is common with those with ADHD. My ex husband was the exact same way and his ADHD was really severe. It was sooo frustrating for me. My logical brain goes "If you are consistently 15 minutes late, can't you consistently leave 15 minutes earlier?"
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