Huge huge hugs to you lonelyflower..
I have aspergers myself, but i need as much human connection in a relationship as you do.. and being with a man like your husband sounds so so lonely
Was he always like that or did he try at first and act more social.. more caring etc?
Hopefully someone married to an aspie will come along and offer some decent advice, but in the meantime, i hope you don't mind me commenting and offering some suggestions from an aspie viewpoint <3
When going out to eat, he never asks what I want,
he always pick the food he likes. If I suggest something
else, he gets upset. It’s all about him.
He picks your food for you? or do you mean that he chooses the restaurant based on his wishes?
I can understand him choosing the restaurant, as us aspies are often quite fussy and it's likely that he won't eat at all if he's not comfortable with at least a couple of items on the menu..
But if he's picking your food for you.. then umm =
I'm lost on a suggestion other than what i'd do and that's to overrule him to the wait staff and tell them what i'd like instead.
Thinking out loud here - aspies often do really well if we have set rules/structures in place to follow.. we know where we are and don't get too overwhelmed like we do when plans/our ideas suddenly get changed without enough warning.
So.. based on that thought - can you set some rules in place for him regarding eating out?
ie; that he can pick the restaurant 50% of the time, or 2 times out of 3, but you get to pick it the rest of the time? and if he doesn't agree, then you go and eat with a friend or something instead?
He hates to have any conversations with me, unless
they are about his 3 favorite topics.
This is a hugely difficult one to deal with, from both of your points of view.. you want to be heard, and he finds it impossible to engage with something that doesn't interest him.
I have a wide range of interests, and can chat about almost anything and be interested, but there are some topics that i just can't manage - and trying to force my attention to stay put is actually quite painful.. mentally draining and i tend to dissociate after a few minutes. (my pet hate topics are clothes, shoes, and anything to do with someone forcing a religious viewpoint down my throat without any ability to remain open to other thoughts).
You may have to accept that he just isn't able to focus on things other than his interests.. and if you want him to talk with you, it might be helpful to try and meet him at his level - ie; talking about his interests with him if possible.
If I get sick or feel down emotionally, he doesn’t care
at all. He lacks EMPATHY tremendously. One day I got
really sick during the morning while I was at work.
I called him and asked him to pick me up and take me
to the Dr. He refused. I had to drive myself home and wait
until he got off work late in the afternoon. He said he
couldn’t ask his boss for permission to leave work,
even when it was an emergency, because his job is his
responsibility.
Black and white thinking at its finest i'm afraid.. him being at work was a rule that he couldn't force his mind to accept breaking. It's fairly simple for most allistics to ask for the time off to take care of their sick partner, but for an aspie there's a huge STOP sign flashing and screaming in their brain when they even consider stepping out of the set rules.
Lacking empathy is another thing entirely - does he display any at all at any time? that would concern me hugely..
i'm not good at talking about how i'm feeling.. but i always feel bad when anyone i care about is unwell or in any kind of pain (emotional or otherwise).. and i'll always listen and try to help if i can..
Have you asked him if he cares? and if his answer was yes, have you explained that you need him to do certain things to show that he does because you can't read his mind and know ?
I'm not particularly outgoing but i do usually enjoy myself once i've forced myself to go out/meet up with people..
I'll be too open/blunt with this next bit, and i hope you don't mind me saying so, but you know.. i wouldn't be with someone that doesn't care and doesn't even try to meet me halfway..
fair enough if he's willing to try - but honestly, an introverted and unemotional aspie like your husband is my idea of a nightmare.
i won't say you should break up with him - but damn, you're suffering far more than anyone ever should.. and if he's not capable of change, are you really going to spend the rest of your life feeling so miserably lonely? x