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Married to an Aspie Support

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.
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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby scarlett_mm » Fri Jun 06, 2014 10:41 am

Thank you so much for the advice, that was really helpful.

I'm quite a sensitive person, and before it had occurred to me that he might have aspergers, I used to tell him that things he said/ did hurt me quite often, as I thought he was being purposefully cruel. I now realise that's not the case and have cut back a lot. However, whenever I tell him something hurts me now (I save it for the big stuff) he says "Everything hurts you," and then doesn't adapt his behaviour as he doesn't seem able to take me seriously!Any advice as to how to communicate this with him? Or have I ruined it through over using the phrase?!
He once told me that his brain automatically sorts stuff into "Important" and "Not important" and if I'm upset about something that his brain doesn't think of as important then he finds it hard to understand/deal with. He then gets annoyed with me for being difficult and finding things to be upset about!

He is 28, good looking, stylish, funny, intelligent and fairly sociable, but when he gets stressed he does seem to freak out. I wonder whether seeming so "normal" and being so capable in many areas makes it harder deal with the difficult stuff. Can anyone relate?

Thank you!
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby nessthepest » Sat Aug 23, 2014 6:50 pm

7 years ago I started having an affair with a married man. Certainly it was the wrong thing to do, and I often wish I hadn't continued seeing him after I learned he was married.

M's behavior was always peculiar and I just thought he was socially award, and extra akward around me because I was a much younger lady, and I used to be quite beautiful. He never asked me any questions about myself, and I took this as a sign of him wanting to keep his distance from my personal life - after all, it was an affair. I didn't think of him as a 'boyfriend', he made me no promises, and I didn't mind that our conversations were always a monologue coming from him. At first I found it amusing, his stories were interesting, and I was content to sit with a glass of wine and allow him to talk all afternoon.

The affair went on and on and on, with him always telling me he would never leave his wife, and when I found a man for myself, he would 'step aside'.

Well eventually his wife figured out he was cheating, so she served him with a divorce. In less than 24 hours, he was asking me "So you want to stay with me, right?". Never mind that we had never discussed the future, and he knew virtually nothing about my dreams or goals, and had never wanted to be part of them. He just simply thought "now my wife is leaving me, I'll marry my girlfriend".

His bizarre reaction to his wife divorcing him was what made me realize he actually had some kind of 'problem' besides being socially awkward. When I started living with him, I realized he was a complete alcoholic and got drunk to the point of being unconscious every night. 2-3 bottles of wine a day was normal for him. He always pressured me to keep up with his drinking, and would frequently hand me a drink before I had even taken off my shoes or coat, or when I was getting into the shower. It was really really weird.

And while his social skills were non-existent, he continued to be very successful in work, and has an amazing job on Wall Street. Stupidly, I agreed to stay with him (I had nobody in my life, and I thought we could stay together and make it work). As the months have gone by, I realized there was no way to have any kind of normal life or development if we stay together.

I wanted to support him while he was going through his divorce, so I sold my home and all my things, and went to live with him. It was intolerable almost immediately, in so many ways. He never once asked me "how's work", but would go on and on and on about his job and the people there. He talks for hours about highly technical accounting issues that I clearly don't understand. I've often watched the clock over his shoulder, and watched 2-3 hours tick away as he rambles on about things nobody would care about (the 900 page book about the civil war he's reading, the accounting problems at work, blah blah blah.)

I know I need to leave him but I need to save up enough money to go back home and start all over.

In the meanwhile, I'm stuck listening to his inane ramblings day in and day out, and I have no idea how his wife could stand him all those years.

He always talks to me as if I'm an idiot, and his wisdom holds the key to understanding the universe. For example, if we're on the interstate, he will read aloud a sign that says "next rest stop - 60 miles". Then he will say "that means there is a rest stop coming up in 60 miles". I'm like, no $hit genius, that's what the sign (which I am capable of reading) said. Then at the next sign, he will read aloud "Next rest stop - 30 miles", and he'll say "we're 30 miles from the next rest stop". This will continue for as many signs as there are on the way to the rest stop. Even if there are 6 signs, he will keep reading them aloud and then continue to tell me what the signs mean. If I look at him strangely, or say 'yup, thats what the sign says' he doesn't realize this means I don't need these asinine updates.

If we go to a resturant, he will open the menu and begin to explain to me what it says. "They have chicken pene, it comes with salad. They have steak, if you chose that you will need to pick a side from the list of sides, they have potato, salad, or fries". And of course I know how to order off a menu, and have done it a hundred times when I'm with him. He has no idea how annoying he is.

He also feels the need to "translate" what I"m saying, to make it understood by others. So if we go to the cable store, and I ask the employee to exchange my cable box for a newer model, he will interject himself and say "She wants the new kind of cable box instead of this older one", when I have already explained what I need, and the person is getting it.

His need to point out the extremely obvious goes on without end, until I'm chain smoking and finding any reason to get away from him, even for 5 minutes. One day in the car we drove through ChinaTown, and passed under a huge decorative sign that says "China Town". He says "That big sign says this is China Town, we just drove under it, so this is China Town. (???!!) I'm like, duh, I guess that's why there are chinese letters on all the shops, chinese people everywhere, and so many chinese food resturants.

It's easier to pretend he is acting normal, because he gets totally sensitive and angry when I suggest he's doing something abnormal with that behavior.

Like he'll set the GPS on the car to get us somewhere, and then start narrating himself as he does everything. "I'm driving slowly because of all this traffic. I'm turning left on Stanley street, it's a one way but it's one way in the direction we're going, now I'll turn on the signal and change lanes". Then, pointing to the GPS system, "Over there is Little Italy" (it says Little Italy, and who the heck cares, we're not going there anyway.

He has ruined many meals I was cooking, because he wants to take control of the process. I made a lovely turkey last year, and before I could take a photo for my recipes website, he goes "I'll have to turn it right side up, I don't know how to carve an upside down turkey" and then he ruins it and flips it over, and of course it was right side up to begin with. Never an apology, just a stupid explanation "It looked bottom side up, hmm".

He has to be the best and smartest at everything he does. So when I wanted to take scuba lessons on vacation, he was there, telling me I was putting my suit on backwards (It wasn't). He ruins every potential happy occasion, by over complicating everything and wanting to do it 'his way'.

He makes the most bizarre requests to people in the service industry, for example he noticed my key chain was falling apart, so he asks the server at a gourmet restaurant to go get some pliers 'from behind the bar'. As if every bar has a little tool box with needle-nose pliers for such an occasion. The puzzled looks he gets from people don't register. I'm tired of apologizing for his stupid behavior.

Sexually, things were very normal for a long time, until he decided his fetish was to be dominated in bed. He went out and bought his "toys", handcuffs, blindfold, whip, etc., and stupidly I agreed to indulge his fantasy. That was over two years ago, and he has insisted on using his "toys" every time we have sex, ever since. Never mind I don't find it interesting, it feels like work, and I am not particularly flattered my partner needs to be blindfolded to go to bed with me!

I know this is a genuine disorder, but I'd prefer to call it a$$hole syndrome, since he's a complete jerk because of it.

At one point he said "It's not your fault I got divorced, its probably 50% my fault also". I'm like, dude, you are the one who lied about being married and then cheated on your wife, how is it my fault that didn't work out for you?? Of course she wanted a divorce, what the heck did you think was going to happen?

At his divorce trial, when the lawyer asked why he thinks the marriage fell apart, he goes "She stopped having sex with me". Like she's responsible for everything he did after that part.

Last night he was totally upset and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he's going to have his access visit with his son this weekend. And his son wants to take friends to an extreme obstacle course with mountain climbing and all kinds of stuff kids like. His problem? He wanted to do the obstacle course also, and the son didn't think it was a good idea. Like it's a completely child-focused environment, where all the parents just watch, and he wants to join in with the 13 year old son and his friends. He's a 60 year old man. The poor kid would die of embarrassment, like any of us would at that age if our father wanted to join in. And he doesn't understand why his son was trying to tell him not to join in. His approach to parenting is completely messed up. He had the time of his life winning at miniature golf against his own kid, and then didn't understand why his son was frustrated after. I'm like "you won by one point, then started giving him tips about how to be a better golfer, what kid wouldn't have a bad attitude about that".

I really wanted to find a way to stay together when I found out about his divorce, but I can see plainly that he has no idea how to have normal relationships. I went from being his mistress to his only friend and complete support system, I feel like a counselor, all he does is talk at me and discuss his problems. After a few hours of rambling, he says "oh look at me, talking your ear off", and I know very well he's going to do the same thing tomorrow, and the next night, and the next night too. And then he'll lean back with a glass of booze in his hand, and smile at me with the most creepy "Picture Day" smile, as I'm sitting there getting creeped out by his behavior. It's such a relief when I go to my room for bed. We can't sleep together because he has night terrors (not that he ever warned me about that, I had to find out when he started screaming in the middle of the night "Help Me! Help Me!" and punching the bed!)

I realize I'm getting what I deserve for having an affair with a married man, and maybe it's not my right to complain. But I have no idea how anyone can spend years on end with people with this disorder, and as soon as I am able, I need to get away from this sickness, because I can feel myself being poisoned by it.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby ValM10 » Wed Oct 22, 2014 4:13 pm

Hi there,

I am approaching my wit's end. I am married to an Aspie. He refuses to acknowledge this. But, I have found relief in learning more about this. I understand that my husband is not a jerk, but has a good reason for being so self-centered.

He is not clumsy. He is quite athletic and coordinated. But, since we met, he has never really liked kissing. He doesn't like to make eye contact. He has almost zero expressions. He laughs once in a while, but it's usually when someone gets hurt. He says embarrassing things when in mixed company or when meeting people for the first time. (At the first dinner with my entire family- he asked my step mother why she never had children of her own. It was so uncomfortable. When I told him later that his question was inappropriate, he said, "Why? I wanted to know")

I have learned not to expect too much from him emotionally. But it does make me lonely sometimes. I am very connected to his son, my step son. He and I help each other through the tough moments when my husband shows little to no empathy.

I can explain things to my Aspie but it takes a while to sink in and get put into practice. If I need reassurance, I have to actually say, "Please reassure me about this. I know you don't understand why I need it, but I do."

I guess I am here just to feel that I am not alone in this. Today just feels particularly lonely for some reason.

Thanks!
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby NTmomandwife » Mon Dec 08, 2014 5:45 pm

HI, I see there are no replies, but I am a wife, like yourself who feel alone and frustrated most of the time. I married my husband ignorantly. Our son has autism and I never understood what aspbergers was until I stumbled across it in a book about autism that I had read for my little boy. When I sat with my husband to discuss what I knew to be true, he admitted that he knew already, but preferred not to "carry the title". I feel betrayed and lied to, marrying someone with a known disability that greatly affects relationships and stupid for not realizing it in the 5 years we've been together.
I always thought he was selfish because he was an only child, depressed because his dad died when he was little, and "always right" because he's insecure and tries to cover it up. His lack of ability to see safety issues I thought was just him being "a man".... now I know otherwise and I feel slightly devastated. I committed to him, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Those were VOWS I intend to not break, but I am not sure how I can keep myself from not slipping into a lonely depression. Anyway, If you've come up with any strategies since posting, please let me know. A son and a husband who are emotionally unavailable leaves me pretty heartbroken.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby ValM10 » Mon Dec 08, 2014 6:11 pm

Hello,

I am sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I understand your feelings about not getting the whole truth before deciding that you would make vows to your husband. It would have been nice to have the option and ability to make a choice.

I have found ways of telling my husband how he manages emotions, and explaining why it is I need more. For example I say, "You're brain works so differently from most people. You are able to process things faster and you can retain so much information. You have to try to remember though, that not everyone is as smart as you or as quick, so try to be patient and understanding when they don't say or do what comes so easy for you." And then, he is feeling pretty good about how I see him, so I can say, "It helps me a lot when you can be more patient."

He does learn how to talk differently with me, but it can be SO frustrating because I have to be careful of how emotional I get because once he thinks that I am criticizing him, or he realizes that I am unhappy with how he has done something, he shuts down and is gone. He simply cannot make the connection that way.

When I have really bad days, I read more about this because I find comfort in knowing it's not just me! I am also truly sorry that your son is in the same situation. You must feel very alone at times.

I see a therapist which has helped a lot. She gives me a lot of support which is needed since no one else understands that my husband has autism/aspergers. Not even him!

Hang in there, though.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby ValM10 » Mon Dec 08, 2014 7:13 pm

Good grief! My husband is the same way- "important", "not important". It's annoying. I have said, "What gives you the power to always decide what is important or not?" I think what works best is to not make it about him. When you say, "You (or what you just did) hurt me", all he hears is what is wrong with HIM.

When I have calmed down, I can say to my husband, "I am struggling with some things. I know that I struggle with feeling stupid around you. I think it might help if you can just be patient (understanding, nice, helpful) with me".

My husband is 48 and has had more feedback throughout his life. When he was in his 20's, (we have only been together 10 years) he was quite a prick from what I hear, even from him. Co-workers, family members, etc have talked to him about how he can act. So, at this time, he can't quite keep saying it's all ME. So, try to reword what you need from him. He probably wants to help you if he can. But like my husband, he probably shuts down the minute he feels criticized.

And yes, my husband is also handsome and athletic, so most people do not think he has anything wrong with him. How stupid. But I think it's hard for Asperger men to face that when they seem so normal.

The truth is, I think that many people are on the autistic spectrum to some degree. I am a teacher with a psychology degree. I feel that I am really good with people and feelings. My husband is usually uncomfortable talking about feelings at all- frustrating!! But, I keep trying.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby NTmomandwife » Tue Dec 09, 2014 4:08 pm

Thank you for your reply Val. I have been reading through all of the previous posts too and they help. Its going to be difficult learning an entirely new way to communicate with my husband, but we did it for my son so it's not impossible. I appreciate the kind reply and I will try to encouraging discussion rather than the blaming one.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby ValM10 » Tue Dec 09, 2014 6:34 pm

Good for you :) Believe me, I understand. My husband will immediately say, "So it's all MY fault, right? As always!" That's when I know that there is no rationalizing with him, let alone getting my needs met. But trust me, I DO blame him often! Once in a while, I will say, "YES- THIS IS ALL YOU!!" Grrrr..... Hang in there, you are NOT alone!
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successful arguments

Postby NTmomandwife » Mon Jan 05, 2015 5:01 pm

My husband and I seem to have to same argument every time we disagree. I am NT, he is asp. What happens is that one of us irritates the other by what we said or the way we said it. As soon as the irritation rises, my husband starts to get very angry at me for being upset myself. He doesn't see that he is adding to the escalating situation. When we try to talk it out, EVERY TIME he makes it my fault that it even happened. He will say... well if you didn't do this, then I wouldn't have done that. He takes ZERO responsibility for any part of the problem. Even when I calm down, and run through my mistakes and how I could do or say things differently next time, he just agrees that I need to change and then refuses to admit even still that he had anything to do with it.

This appears to be typical of AS from the many posts that I have read so far, but I feel like I am going to freak out and lose my mind. I cannot spend the rest of my life having the EXACT same fight every time and also being held responsible for any and every bump in our marriage. We have been together for 6 years. It has always been this way, but worse since we have gotten married and had children.

I need some tools or ideas on how to have a successful disagreement without the end result always being that I am to blame for all wrong. I am not perfect by any means and absolutely I do have a part in every argument, but I am not entirely at fault for all wrong doing. Most of the time I end up calling him an asshole because that's how I feel- like he thinks he is above me and does no wrong... and then later I am crying because I called him an asshole and I feel bad about it.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby Turckey » Wed Jul 22, 2015 3:42 am

I'm literally days away from divorcing my wife...then I stumbled into this...it's so clear to me she has asperbergers I'm floored. Wish I had read this years ago. For yearS I thought she was a true narcissistis. It's so draining. Reading other people's accounts and reading about how the AS process stuff turned a major light on and made sense of everything from our past. But I think it's to late now. It's sad..I love her so much but be it by asperbergers or a bitch it's too much. She won't acknoldge a problem...she says counseling is to painful and I have zero connection with her now. People like this are so different...I think now if I had known a few years ago I could have made it work. Soooooooo tried now and so alone. I feel sorry for her and will never forgive her for not fighting for us...but now I see she doesn't get it...it's like a double whammy. I'm ready for a vacation with lots of free love LOL. GOD BLESS ME AND HELP ME AND HELP THOSE LIKE ME AND THEIR SPOUSE.
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