by nessthepest » Sat Aug 23, 2014 6:50 pm
7 years ago I started having an affair with a married man. Certainly it was the wrong thing to do, and I often wish I hadn't continued seeing him after I learned he was married.
M's behavior was always peculiar and I just thought he was socially award, and extra akward around me because I was a much younger lady, and I used to be quite beautiful. He never asked me any questions about myself, and I took this as a sign of him wanting to keep his distance from my personal life - after all, it was an affair. I didn't think of him as a 'boyfriend', he made me no promises, and I didn't mind that our conversations were always a monologue coming from him. At first I found it amusing, his stories were interesting, and I was content to sit with a glass of wine and allow him to talk all afternoon.
The affair went on and on and on, with him always telling me he would never leave his wife, and when I found a man for myself, he would 'step aside'.
Well eventually his wife figured out he was cheating, so she served him with a divorce. In less than 24 hours, he was asking me "So you want to stay with me, right?". Never mind that we had never discussed the future, and he knew virtually nothing about my dreams or goals, and had never wanted to be part of them. He just simply thought "now my wife is leaving me, I'll marry my girlfriend".
His bizarre reaction to his wife divorcing him was what made me realize he actually had some kind of 'problem' besides being socially awkward. When I started living with him, I realized he was a complete alcoholic and got drunk to the point of being unconscious every night. 2-3 bottles of wine a day was normal for him. He always pressured me to keep up with his drinking, and would frequently hand me a drink before I had even taken off my shoes or coat, or when I was getting into the shower. It was really really weird.
And while his social skills were non-existent, he continued to be very successful in work, and has an amazing job on Wall Street. Stupidly, I agreed to stay with him (I had nobody in my life, and I thought we could stay together and make it work). As the months have gone by, I realized there was no way to have any kind of normal life or development if we stay together.
I wanted to support him while he was going through his divorce, so I sold my home and all my things, and went to live with him. It was intolerable almost immediately, in so many ways. He never once asked me "how's work", but would go on and on and on about his job and the people there. He talks for hours about highly technical accounting issues that I clearly don't understand. I've often watched the clock over his shoulder, and watched 2-3 hours tick away as he rambles on about things nobody would care about (the 900 page book about the civil war he's reading, the accounting problems at work, blah blah blah.)
I know I need to leave him but I need to save up enough money to go back home and start all over.
In the meanwhile, I'm stuck listening to his inane ramblings day in and day out, and I have no idea how his wife could stand him all those years.
He always talks to me as if I'm an idiot, and his wisdom holds the key to understanding the universe. For example, if we're on the interstate, he will read aloud a sign that says "next rest stop - 60 miles". Then he will say "that means there is a rest stop coming up in 60 miles". I'm like, no $hit genius, that's what the sign (which I am capable of reading) said. Then at the next sign, he will read aloud "Next rest stop - 30 miles", and he'll say "we're 30 miles from the next rest stop". This will continue for as many signs as there are on the way to the rest stop. Even if there are 6 signs, he will keep reading them aloud and then continue to tell me what the signs mean. If I look at him strangely, or say 'yup, thats what the sign says' he doesn't realize this means I don't need these asinine updates.
If we go to a resturant, he will open the menu and begin to explain to me what it says. "They have chicken pene, it comes with salad. They have steak, if you chose that you will need to pick a side from the list of sides, they have potato, salad, or fries". And of course I know how to order off a menu, and have done it a hundred times when I'm with him. He has no idea how annoying he is.
He also feels the need to "translate" what I"m saying, to make it understood by others. So if we go to the cable store, and I ask the employee to exchange my cable box for a newer model, he will interject himself and say "She wants the new kind of cable box instead of this older one", when I have already explained what I need, and the person is getting it.
His need to point out the extremely obvious goes on without end, until I'm chain smoking and finding any reason to get away from him, even for 5 minutes. One day in the car we drove through ChinaTown, and passed under a huge decorative sign that says "China Town". He says "That big sign says this is China Town, we just drove under it, so this is China Town. (???!!) I'm like, duh, I guess that's why there are chinese letters on all the shops, chinese people everywhere, and so many chinese food resturants.
It's easier to pretend he is acting normal, because he gets totally sensitive and angry when I suggest he's doing something abnormal with that behavior.
Like he'll set the GPS on the car to get us somewhere, and then start narrating himself as he does everything. "I'm driving slowly because of all this traffic. I'm turning left on Stanley street, it's a one way but it's one way in the direction we're going, now I'll turn on the signal and change lanes". Then, pointing to the GPS system, "Over there is Little Italy" (it says Little Italy, and who the heck cares, we're not going there anyway.
He has ruined many meals I was cooking, because he wants to take control of the process. I made a lovely turkey last year, and before I could take a photo for my recipes website, he goes "I'll have to turn it right side up, I don't know how to carve an upside down turkey" and then he ruins it and flips it over, and of course it was right side up to begin with. Never an apology, just a stupid explanation "It looked bottom side up, hmm".
He has to be the best and smartest at everything he does. So when I wanted to take scuba lessons on vacation, he was there, telling me I was putting my suit on backwards (It wasn't). He ruins every potential happy occasion, by over complicating everything and wanting to do it 'his way'.
He makes the most bizarre requests to people in the service industry, for example he noticed my key chain was falling apart, so he asks the server at a gourmet restaurant to go get some pliers 'from behind the bar'. As if every bar has a little tool box with needle-nose pliers for such an occasion. The puzzled looks he gets from people don't register. I'm tired of apologizing for his stupid behavior.
Sexually, things were very normal for a long time, until he decided his fetish was to be dominated in bed. He went out and bought his "toys", handcuffs, blindfold, whip, etc., and stupidly I agreed to indulge his fantasy. That was over two years ago, and he has insisted on using his "toys" every time we have sex, ever since. Never mind I don't find it interesting, it feels like work, and I am not particularly flattered my partner needs to be blindfolded to go to bed with me!
I know this is a genuine disorder, but I'd prefer to call it a$$hole syndrome, since he's a complete jerk because of it.
At one point he said "It's not your fault I got divorced, its probably 50% my fault also". I'm like, dude, you are the one who lied about being married and then cheated on your wife, how is it my fault that didn't work out for you?? Of course she wanted a divorce, what the heck did you think was going to happen?
At his divorce trial, when the lawyer asked why he thinks the marriage fell apart, he goes "She stopped having sex with me". Like she's responsible for everything he did after that part.
Last night he was totally upset and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he's going to have his access visit with his son this weekend. And his son wants to take friends to an extreme obstacle course with mountain climbing and all kinds of stuff kids like. His problem? He wanted to do the obstacle course also, and the son didn't think it was a good idea. Like it's a completely child-focused environment, where all the parents just watch, and he wants to join in with the 13 year old son and his friends. He's a 60 year old man. The poor kid would die of embarrassment, like any of us would at that age if our father wanted to join in. And he doesn't understand why his son was trying to tell him not to join in. His approach to parenting is completely messed up. He had the time of his life winning at miniature golf against his own kid, and then didn't understand why his son was frustrated after. I'm like "you won by one point, then started giving him tips about how to be a better golfer, what kid wouldn't have a bad attitude about that".
I really wanted to find a way to stay together when I found out about his divorce, but I can see plainly that he has no idea how to have normal relationships. I went from being his mistress to his only friend and complete support system, I feel like a counselor, all he does is talk at me and discuss his problems. After a few hours of rambling, he says "oh look at me, talking your ear off", and I know very well he's going to do the same thing tomorrow, and the next night, and the next night too. And then he'll lean back with a glass of booze in his hand, and smile at me with the most creepy "Picture Day" smile, as I'm sitting there getting creeped out by his behavior. It's such a relief when I go to my room for bed. We can't sleep together because he has night terrors (not that he ever warned me about that, I had to find out when he started screaming in the middle of the night "Help Me! Help Me!" and punching the bed!)
I realize I'm getting what I deserve for having an affair with a married man, and maybe it's not my right to complain. But I have no idea how anyone can spend years on end with people with this disorder, and as soon as I am able, I need to get away from this sickness, because I can feel myself being poisoned by it.