Aspergers and depersonalization

When I was younger there was a few times where I experienced this out of body experience, one of the worst feelings in the world. Once was at a school camp watching tv and I also remember I got it when I was watching back to the future as a youngster. But it never lasted long.. It was up until I grew up and thought i'd throw a couple of xtc pills down to make myself feel better was when I took it to far and gave myself a constant depersonalization & derealization. It was so intense at the start I was looking at objects and questioning how they became to exist, Its the worst feeling ever. Years have past I still have this feeling of disconnection of my body but its not as bad as it was, But it sure is harder to enjoy myself because I dont feel to right in my own skin.

I get the feeling that its because of aspergers is why I got this in the first place. Im sure its related to anxiety also. Because us aspys feel disconnection with people and the real world I can see how their is a connection there. Its not a nice feeling at all, Its been with me for years now and I still cant shake it. Anybody in the same boat here?

With me it's pretty much permanent since my puberty. I enjoy it actually. I feel more objective since i am looking from outward in on myself. It indeed led me to become an existential nihilist, but once i decided that if it didn't matter one way, it didn't matter the other way so the whole issue became irrelevant.

If there is no reason to do something, there is no reason not to do it.

I get that, mostly DR, which is fairly obvious when that happens if anyone's around me, and DP a fair few times. Usually, it does not bother me while it is actually happening. Like a couple of other things, they feel usual and safe, calming while they happen, but afterwards you think "That's not right."

Yes me to. I often feel detached from the "real world" as well as my own body which in the past has led me to question (my) reality. Id say with me its often a feeling like I exist (and live) in my own head and the rest of me is just a vessel. This vessel does have the capability to feel like a comfy pair of shoes yet at other times its what I imagine Roger Moore must have felt like during his later, girdle wearing Bond years.

I find myself retreating into my own head (more so when Im feeling low I think). This sort of zoning happens frequently. My other half will often ask "where were you" when I've snapped out of what must look like I was either daydreaming or deep in thought. Neither of which is exactly right.

I do go through stages of what is probably hopelessness when I question the point and purpose of everything around me including myself. The famous, I think therefore I am quote doesnt cut it for me. In my opinion, I think therefore I am becomes irrelevant when noone hears your thoughts. In other words, If I think therefore I am (but dont do) what separates me from "non-intelligent" life, and by implication therefore, what's my purpose / point of being here (pause for breath) if im just going through the motions of "normal life" without doing precisely what I want to do when I want to do it at all times. There is another quote from somewhere along the lines of "if by a man's works we shall know him" (though I think I got this from Blackadder so it may not be 100% reliable) which is true when what others perceive of you (or at least what you appear to do/be) is whats important in the developed society - and the only lasting legacy (ignoring offspring in that).

I personally don't feel driven to show that I can achieve something to people that don't matter, yet on some level I know I need their approval / acceptance (a conflict I know) to remind me that Im alive. My problem is that I question too many things too much to the point that efforts to do most things seem futile in some bigger picture (im not talking religion either btw). I think this sort of attitude is probably what prevents me maintaning a relative happiness though and why I feel like someone is playing yo yo with my mood on a daily basis.

With that in mind, If id written this tomorrow it may have been a more cheery response

then shall I know even as also I am known. (1 Cor. 13:12)

The entire Blackaddder is on my mobile. Ben Elton is quite a history buff, so most of his stuff in Blackadder is the cynical truth.

Oh, I'll just go out of it - totally unattached and like watching a film of me.

I just function and operate like I'm actually there, but I'm really hiding and sending out a stunt double till the stress subsides.

I find it useful sometimes and don't really mind having it.

This is FASCINATING!!! A lot of people try to have oobe (out of body experiences) and can't and those who can have studied it and made a huge effort to do it. I can't do it anymore.

I did a few times, a couple of times at will and I've been trying desperately to do it again since then. THE INTERESTING THING is that they were all after my son was born when he was a toddler, and before we knew he has autism.

Even weirder, when I would have an oobe, he would TAG ALONG and in the oobe he could speak. And then one day, he grabbed my hand during an oobe and said "don't go" and I haven't been able to do it since then.

There's something you asperger's/autistics are tapped into that the rest of us aren't, I'm convinced of it.