Worst thing about being an aspy?

Veronika wrote:2) I hate closeness and intimacy, these kind of acts makes me feel like being raped, so for that reason all I can get is love through distance. It sucks. I dream and dream and dream.., and when I get it in real life - its disgusting;

heya, i have not yet been officially diagnosed with AS yet, although my CPN and me are pretty sure, i have depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder already (one more along for the ride!) and i didn't really have any intention of posting i was just looking around to get more of a feel for AS, but what you said here just had a profound resonance with me, because this is how i am. i didn't realise this was anything more than what i felt because of some weird circumstances in the past or whatever that left me feeling this way, but thank you for saying this because i know now someone else gets like this too.

this borderline person i used to know - we'd talk about how we would make up an imaginary companion/lover that we could daydream about, and at night laying in bed you could imagine holding you, because to do all this in real life and try to engage and deal with people is such a different experience, so much more difficult and traumatic and hard and confusing. it's like that's what we wanted but it almost didn't exist for us somehow, not at least without a lot of hardship...i can lie next to an imaginary girlfriend and feel a glimpse of contentment and peace but if i lie there with a real person however positive the experience might be i will be thinking was that alright what i said earlier, maybe this gesture earlier meant they don't like me anymore, etc....

my only long term relationship, years ago, i had a major problem with sex...sometimes it would be fine but then i would just freak out and it would just be disgusting and horrible and get off me now now now. that was hard enough but he just drove it into me that he was a man, he couldn't deal with his sex drive being frustrated because i didn't want to try sex anymore, and because i just wanted him to love me still and not leave i would let him have sex with me even though there was that wrong feeling and i didn't want it to happen. and it's kinda hard cuz you can't ever call it rape, i've never called it rape not even in my own head because in some way i guess i consented, at some level i let myself go through it because i knew if i did then he wouldn't leave me, but still, it's all wrong, and it leaves you feeling like, sex, no, that is a thing where someone else takes from you, and i can't ever see now as sex with a man being anything other than serving his innate primal needs that for some reason he has a right to.


sorry that is like way heavy but i just thought i would add a note to say thank you for your post, it's always nice to know when something you've said has affected someone in a positive way so i thought i'd let you know.

peace
xxx

For me it is many things.

1. Severe social anxiety but when I do relax and talk I tend to talk about myself. When I leave the situation I think about it and realize what I've done which leads to more anxiety and self-hatred which leads to avoidance.

2. Severe self-hatred/low self-esteem. This is coupled with anxiety about how I constantly think after a social encounter about what I should have, could have said, done etc.

3. That as a woman I don't fit into social norms. I like to be alone besides with my family and I always feel I am being judged. This is more so by people outside my family who understand. As a woman and a mother I am "supposed to" join the PTA, have tea time, socialize with other moms etc. This is harder for women then men. Men can escape in their work and not look weird. This also gives me anxiety so I avoid these situations except for when I have to do it for my kids.

4. That I can't give my children the amount of affection that they probably need. I have to force myself a lot so that I'm not messing up my kids. This is uncomfortable for me but at the same time it gives me a lot of anxiety because I logically know how damaging it probably is. I have to show them I love them in other ways besides a lot of affection.

These things are the worst for me. They have all significantly improved with age. I am 33 and I can only see it getting better with time as well.

For me, the worst part was not knowing I was a HFA. I have many of the same issues as people have stated here (with the notable exception of intimacy - I love it), but knowing what is behind all of that has changed my life. I can look back at certain situations and say, "Ah, so that's why I said that!", or "Oh, I see why she reacted so negatively!" Knowing there was a reason behind my lifelong feeling that I was an alien has really changed everything for me. I can't honestly say I've been depressed since I figured it out 8 months ago! And I've been depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts hundreds of times in my life.

I do like being different. I love how my brain works; I make mental connections that nobody else does, and I have lightning-fast reactions. This takes people by complete surprise and making them laugh very hard. I have the same disconnection that others feel, but I think it's more like a separate level of thinking or being. For example, I can watch myself construct sentences in my head and swap out words for, perhaps, an alliterative effect. I've described this to others, and they have no concept of it.

So in a way, I'm celebrating my differences now. Don't get me wrong: I have suffered horribly with this since I was old enough to think. I was bullied mercilessly, never had a girlfriend until in my 20s, have had extreme avoidance issues which still plague me today... the list goes on and sounds just like everyone else here. But knowing why this is all happening has really helped me a lot.

Sorry to be so non-negative. :)

oldalien wrote:.

Sorry to be so non-negative.

Join the crowd. I wouldn't want to be different from what i am now. If anything is the worst thing it's "them".

Number is one the anxiety by far. In just about any social situation I automatically tense even though cognitively I think everything is fine. I also get anxious just doing my day to day job at work, which is actually a very good match for me professionally with a reasonable work load and nice people.

The self esteem thing is a sticking point too, but I've learned to separate that out and learn that was a biproduct of trying to molded into the crowd when we were kids. The older I get the more I realize how dumb that was of our parents, etc. to do such a thing. What is normal anyways? Granted people with AS deviate from social norms more so than others, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be allowed to live our lives the way we want to.

Another point to realize in this world is it is not just AS vs. Neuros. There are many non-autistic people who have life skill issues such as bipolar, depression, alcoholism, just to name a few, and suffer as well. In fact, I equate my level of personal difficulties with some of my NT friends who have personal issues of their own. The older I get, the more I learn that most people in the world have some kind of mental issue going on. We're all humans on a broad spectrum

I find it difficult making small talk with people. It seems I am expected to be be good at this, enjoy it even. I find it boring. I am much deeper than that and most people just don't get me. It seems they don't want anyone to think for themselves. We are expected to all be the same and because we are not like them we are labeled as having a syndrome. I feel that have certain talents and special appreciations due to being who I am. I wouldn't give that up to be demed 'normal' I think most of the problems we aspies have in life can be traced to the alienation we all have felt, we feel different and we feel that people , most people don't like us for it,( or they fear us?) sometimes our own families. I have good intentions but I feel misunderstood.