AS and clothes shopping

Ok, this is a bit of a strange post, so I apologise in advance. How do most aspies react when clothes shopping? I have a teenage daughter who I think may have AS, and I was wondering if her behaviour whilst out shopping was part of AS or just her being a teenager.

Let me explain. To put it bluntly, clothes shopping is a NIGHTMARE! (For both of us) I struggle to get her to actually go shopping, and when we’re there she gets angry and upset and we rarely cone back with more than one or two items.

In my struggle to understand I asked her why she didn’t like it, to which she replied that she didn’t really know, but “everything’s just all arggh, and then you’re making me do things and there’s too many people, then I get more stressed and then I feel the smells in my nose and I feel arggh” She has also told me on several occasions that she doesn’t need new clothes because the ones she’s wearing are fine as they don’t have holes in, and that she doesn’t really care enough about them.

However, when she’s out shopping with her friends, which doesn’t happen often, she’s not as bad because she only has to concentrate on avoiding the people.

So, is this a common experience for people with AS, or is it something different?

I don't know if it's an Asperger's thing, but it's something I understand. I'm not very fond of large crowds of people most of the time (sometimes I'm in "the mood" to tolerate crowds, but not often). I also don't care too much about clothes as long as they serve the function I want from them.

Dress clothes should be cut well and look appropriately "dapper". I don't have much use for them these days and I probably couldn't even put together an outfit that fit properly and looked coordinated anymore.

For everything else I tend to go with jeans/cargo pants and t-shirts. Pants I pick based on fit and durability, and T-shirts are simple - they should make some kind of smart-ass statement, usually about normalcy, and be XL. Beyond that I don't care much.

In fact, I've recently been toying with the idea of cutting the seams out of one of the pairs of cargo pants I have and using the cloth as a pattern to make more by hand. I have yet to find a pair of cargo pants that is what I'd consider to be "functionally durable": reinforced sufficiently at stress points, made of material that is exceedingly durable, and so on. Ideally I'd like to have cargo pants that are strong enough that I could tie one leg to something and hang my own body weight from the other leg and not have the seams give out over any predictable period of time.


I don't care that much about form. Function is king. Searching through the flood of consumer items designed to be appealing in form for the rare few that accidentally are actually durable is annoying. Trying to get salespeople and other customers to leave you alone while you look or answer questions when you have them is exhausting (particularly since the people that work in stores are rarely educated about anything that they sell anymore, and don't take steps to educate themselves.)


So there's that frustration. Add in trying to do it within some else's schedule, and it becomes exceptionally uncomfortable. I don't have a problem shopping for things if I'm on my own, since it just takes as long as it takes. But if someone else drove and is waiting for me to find something I want to buy, it adds pressure to an already frustrating process.

I think that this is probably the case of a general teenage problem being exaggerated by AS. I know I wasn't the only girl in my class who hated going shopping with my mum! Here are a few suggestions that might help:

- first of all, I'm sorry to have to say this but going clothes shopping with a parent is never going to be cool! That's probably half the problem

- don't force your daughter to buy things. My mum used to do this and I would never wear them and then she'd get angry that we'd spent all this money and we'd both get very upset. If she doesn't need new clothes then just wait until she does. You should be proud that your daughter has not been brainwashed by our consumer society!

- there's nothing wrong with your daughter not caring about her appearance in principle. However, if there's something about her appearance that you think is detrimental to her wellbeing or find offensive, then tell her and ask her to change it for you. My mum couldn't stand my piercings but she accepted that it was my body and out of respect for her feelings I always covered them up around the house. You will probably have to have a very good reason for this: something like "it's not the done thing" won't go down very well.

- try to plan ahead a little. Have an idea of what you are shopping for before you go out. I find this helps me a lot, because otherwise I just get confused and either end up frustrated, with nothing, or with a whole load of other stuff I didn't really want. Have a look through fashion magazines with your daughter to see if there's anything she likes, and find out which shops stock those items. Alternatively, just have a look at the clothes she already owns and try to find similar items if she prefers that.

- try to go shopping when it's not very busy, maybe late in the evening or early in the morning

- if possible, take her to boutiques instead of big department stores and malls. Personally, I love shopping when I'm in the right frame of mind, but large stores make me feel dizzy and sick, which can be very unpleasant.

- make sure you go wherever she wants to go and don't try to put any pressure on her, just let her take her time

- try to concentrate more on having a fun time together than on buying clothes. When I went shopping with friends it was less about the shopping and more about just hanging out, but with my mum it always felt like a chore. Maybe take her out for lunch first and then after an hour of looking round the shops have a break for coffee somewhere quiet, and divide up your time like that.

- don't get annoyed if you didn't accomplish everything you set out to do and have returned home with a meagre bounty. There will always be another day to go shopping and no item of clothing is really worth as much frustration and anger as it seems to be causing you and your daughter. Instead try to reflect on the positive aspects of the experience, like you and your daughter spending some quality time together.

- if it's really not working, you might want to take her internet shopping instead, or let her go shopping alone.

That's a good set of points, it made something "click" in my head.


Clothes shopping is a bit like fishing.

Sure, it's nice to catch a whole mess of fish, but it's not really something that's up to you. To have any fun at all you have to stop worrying about the fish, and just learn to have fun fishing.

The fish get caught or don't.

Yes, clothes shopping. I hate it too. I am a 25 y/o female & I have AS, and it's so difficult. The sensory piece is a major part of it, being in the store with so many different people, and becoming easily overstimulated by the scents, sounds & smells of things...not to mention the feeling when you have to touch the clothes.

First, it's hard to imagine even what I'm looking for. And then, when I find something I like, or think I might like, it's hard for me to get it and try it on or even spend a lot of time looking at it. It's a major process, that to most people might just seem very simple. There are many steps, and for me, it's hard to hit them all...just trying to figure out even what I should look at. And then, with the sensory issues, it makes finding anything that's suitable and will fit nearly impossible at times.

And then, when I do buy new clothes, I try to buy many new things at once. It is hard for me to just buy one new thing, and add it to an existing wardrobe. It will sit in my closet for a long time before I am actually able to wear it...unless I add many new clothes at once. Also, it is hard for me to get rid of old clothes, even if they are clearly not suitable for public anymore. They are mine and I like them.

When you put all the pieces together, especially the piece about walking into the store and just being plain overwhelmed, it makes clothes shopping a real challenge.

Good luck though, and tell your daughter just to keep trying...and the more you do it, the better she'll get at it, even if she hates it at first...you might think of making it part of her routine (e.g. every saturday you spend a half hour clothes shopping, or something like that, and then she gets to do an activity she enjoys.)

All the best.

JD

Felt I had to reply. I have a 5year old son who i suspect may have Aspergers. He seems to fit most criteria. For us clothes shopping is a nightmare also. He hates new clothes, I suppose he can't see the point of them.
I took him into a shop the other day and saw a nice jacket for school. The moment i asked him to try it on he tenses up and refuses. When i managed to convince him to put an arm in he started shouting that the cuff hurt him and it was lumpy. I asked him if we found a nice quite corner would he try it on with no one looking. He went with me but still refused. Then I get told I will try it on if you don't talk again.(he is big on his rules) I wait and he doesn't move so I ask him again. He then starts shouting at the top of his voice 'you spoke, I told you not to speak' I say i'm sorry and he starts up again. Eventually he gives me another chance! If i don't speak he will try it on. This by now has taken about half an hour. Luckily it fit!
I don't know either if it is just him or an asperger thing but when I see other kids they don't seem to act like this.
Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. You just need to have an awful lot of patience. That is the only way I deal with it. Good luck on your next shopping trip.

I haven't been diagnosed with A.S. although I think I fit some of the criteria.

Anyway, I'm 32 years old and I have always been totally uninterested in clothes. My parents go with me shopping clothes and they select my clothes. I'm mostly interested in getting out of the store as quickly as possible since I find it extremely boring and most of time I also think that I already have clothes so that I don't need any new clothes. Sure, my parents always ask me if I find a certain piece of clothing to look nice but I'm simply incapable of seeing that one piece of clothing looks nicer than another one. To me all jeans look the same and all shirts look the same.

Well there is that harsh lighting in stores, and there's also a lot of dust.

I thought I was the only one I used to love going shopping for clothes with my dad because when I told him I liked the first pair of shoes for example he'd buy them. Whereas my mum would make me trek round all these other places and I'd still pick the first pair.
I still get very nervy shopping, hate crowds and just want to find what I need and get out as quickly as possible. Which I rarely do