Dealing With Betrayal

How do you deal with it? Is there some way to let it go?

My story: My previous girlfriend, a girl who broke up with me a year or two ago, was someone I really cared about. Even at the end of the relationship, I was still trying to fix the problems and make her love me. Even when she was pulling away. The break-up wasn't all her fault (part of the blame goes on me too, as is often the case with these things) but it hurt. The relationship was serious and, despite the fact that I had moved away to go to school (to become a teacher), the plan was to move back in together afterwards and get married. In hindsight, a stupid plan considering we had some major problems but I was in love. We broke up informally, since she was too cowardly to do it face-to-face.

It turned out that my best friend (at the time, though not any longer) and her had gotten together and she had left me for him. She told me parts of it when we broke up, through an email, and I heard the rest later from Facebook. It turned out that they hung out quite a bit after I moved away (I had told him to take care of her because she had no friends in the city, also because I'm stupid and trusting) and yeah, got together. Needless to say, I felt very betrayed. He had always promised he was a loyal friend and she had always said she was trustworthy and wouldn't cheat.

It didn't help that I had a similar incident with my previous girlfriend (who I wasn't very serious with, but still cared deeply for). She left me for another guy, after a phone call saying she didn't like me anymore. She had also had a thing with another of my best friends, while we were dating. I have terrible luck, clearly.

Despite being over my "pining for her" phase, I still feel a bit stuck with that whole situation. Honestly, I have dreams most nights about finding the two of them and screaming at them. Telling them how they are bad friends and how they deserve each other because they are both weak people who pretend to be strong. I had this kind of dream last night. I'm honestly not sure how to get over some of this anger. I doubt I will ever see them again. Maybe it makes me angry that I never really got to express my anger at them (though I doubt that's what it is).

Several friends have asked me when I'm going to start dating again. I am honestly not sure. Despite kinda wanting to, I am not sure I could trust anyone again. Not for a while. I keep telling them I'm not ready for anything serious, but no one really pays that much mind. I have been talking to a girl online, but I think I would tell her the same thing. I'd want to take things slow and get to know her before commiting to anything.

Comments are welcome?

There is a huge chasm between how people are and how we believe we should be. It's in the beasts nature to do what's best for themselves in the end, just some people have different limits of where WE ends and ME begins. But there doesn't exist a 'sane' person who doesn't have this limit.

Accept and move on.

Hey Blackmask. This is a toughy since everyone deals with things in different ways. I think if there were clear cut answers to this noone would ever be upset or hurt etc since we would all know the "method" to get over break ups. This might sound like advice from a Friends episode but I think you need to find a way of getting closure for yourself to allow yourself to consciously accept that those chapters in your life are ended. It doesn't mean you will be over it just like that or even notice that you feel too different but in my experience you need to do this else years will go by and you will still have days where you end up bitter/annoyed/upset about it. Why not try having your say in letter/s to them getting everything off your chest, you may decide not to post it by the time its written, getting it off your chest might be enough. Say that you don't want a response, and thats not why your writing but get it all out. After this, though cliche, you've just to get on with things as Petrossa wrote and over time the feelings will fade.

Don't fall into the trap of going over old ground in your head either and thinking well if I'd done xyz or behaved in such and such a way it wouldn't have happened as thats not likely to be the case. The past is also beyond your control so without meaning to sound to clinical it really is a waste of energy/time pondering what might have been.

I'm not sure I was very clear in what I was saying.

To summarize:
It's been a year or more since we broke-up/I found out that they were together behind my back.
I no longer love nor care about her.
I no longer care about him or the fact that they're together.
Both of them could disappear off the face of the earth and I still wouldn't care.

My problem is the dreams. I have them fairly frequently and they always go the same way, with me screaming at them. It feels good in the dream, saying some of the things I've thought angrily in the past. I'm just not sure why I have the dreams since I couldn't care less about either of them. As I said, I guess I still have a lot of anger towards them because of what they did, but as people I don't care. I wouldn't try and seek them out or anything. I'm content to continue living how I'm living.

The problem is that since the connection between our seat of emotions and 'us' are defective in AS getting emotionally over something like that is hard. Since your 'me' brain can't interact with the other brain which has the feelings you can be fine intellectually but not emotionally. Hence the dreams.

I dream frequently of wreaking mayhem on the son of my partner. The guy disgusts me to no end. Intellectually however i don't give a $#%^ and just amuse myself making his life hell on earth.