Newly Recognized Aspie

Feeling different doesn't even cover my life. Everyday is like waking up in a foreign country where I don't know the customs or the language.

I was a shy, quiet child who didn't like attention, was in the gifted program in grade school and usually only had one good friend. I generally played by myself in my free time and had a vivid imagination. I liked school, loved learning and was generally happy. As I got older I excelled in school, but noticed that I couldn't relate to others very well. I felt ackward most of the time and didn't understand why I didn't "fit in". I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder in college, but now believe it is related to Aspeger's instead. I was a Physics major and loved math and science, but the social aspects of college were too much for me - I felt very alone and began to isolate myself. I drank alot in my twenties in an attempt to relax in social settings.

As an adult I have had trouble advancing in my career. I tell people what I think and am often accused of being rude. I recognize the many Aspie traits I have and can see the negative impact they have had and continue to have on my life. I want to be more laid back and easy-going but everything has to be planned. The house has to be clean and organized or I can't think. I cannot make small talk, I am impatient with most people because they seem illogical (stupid). I have to do things my way, that is in the repeatative way I'm comfortable doing them. I have a hard time figuring out when people are joking or being sarcastic, then I become embarassed for misunderstanding them and then I become angry because I feel I'm being critisized. I can go on and on because other than being only slightly uncoordinated the Aspie description describes me perfectly.

My husband teases me that I'm like the character Bones on the TV show Bones. My biggest issue is that he's like the character Booth on the same show. For those not acquainted with the show, my husband is former law enforcement, military veteran, outgoing super-social butterfly that is liked by everyone he meets. Somehow we got together and just celebrated 6 years together. So unfortunately marriage is really tough. I've come to recognize that many of my Aspie traits are highly irritating to him and there are alot of 'normal' things he does that irritate me. For example, as I sit here typing away he keeps interrupting me to talk and I can feel my ire rise because he's talking about something pointless that happened in the entertainment industry and right now I'm not interested in listening as I'm focused on finishing my thoughts here. I wish he would leave me alone to concentrate right now. He can see I'm working on something but insists on interrupting - and I am becoming irritated to the point of almost hostile.

I know I'm an Aspie. I recognize it now and think I can accept it. But I'm not sure what to do with it. I love my husband, he's my best friend. But I feel like I'm in my own world and he doesn't understand me. When I try to talk about my feelings with him I can't seem to say what I mean. He tells me I repeat myself, but I think I repeat myself because he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking in a foreign language. This disorder has affected every aspect of my life and although I would not call myself disabled, the syndrome is very disabling.

I've read several posts on this forum and am hoping for some feedback concerning living happily with a NT partner. How can I be more patient and quit snapping a people because I feel like they're asking stupid questions? How do I go through the check line at a store and not come across as a total b**** because I dont' make small talk and feel offended (read embarrassed and socially inept) when they ask me a question. I literally have to walk through life with blinders on and pretend that other people don't exist to feel remotely comfortable.

Any helpful discussion is appreciated.

You say you are an Aspie, but are you profesionally diagnosed?, if you suspect you are, then I think its a good idea to seek for a profesional diagnosis as the profesional might help you in ways you have not thought of. I did, I started suspecting I had Aspergers and now that I am diagnosed with it I found out about some tratements/rehabilitation/workshops I can attend to that can help me with this problem.

I share those feelings you talk about people being stupid, but I don't have the same attitude because I have learned that I am the one with the problem and not them. People with Asperger's have problems understanding others, you just need to learn to understand them, it's not that everybody else is mentally retarded, it's that we have special difficulties with people. If you are aware of that I think it will make a difference in your irritability, and if you seek help from professionals you might change your quality of life even further. More specifically, the psicologists that diagnosed me recommended me to attend a "social cognition and language pragmatics" workshop.

I appreciate your input. At this point I'm not sure I want to seek a professional diagnosis - I'm still weighing the pros and cons. Although I am looking at a few different options such as workshops to try and begin to understand the communicative abilities I am missing. I am aware that CBT is a recognized treatment for those who find that AS negatively impacts their life.

Admittedly I do not like the idea that I am the one with the problem. The realization that I am afflicated with AS is very recent and I am still struggling with the idea that there is anything 'wrong' with me at all. But reading through all the information and material available and having searched for an answer most of my life I need to accept the fact that I fit into the AS mold very well.

I do recognized that my marriage is suffering. I do things and say things and have strong feelings at times but cannot explain what drives them. For example: being interrupted when I'm working on something causes me to become irate. I try not to act on that feeling but many times I become hostile. When I think about it I can't figure out why I become so upset other than being interrupted just throws me off - it's an uncomfortable feeling. It makes sense and at the same time does not make sense. I do want to understand why I have these feelings and react this way.

I'd hesitate calling it an affliction. It has it pro's and con's, but on the whole i find it more positive then negative.

The irritation is indeed bothersome. Bad news is: It doesn't go away nor does it diminish over time. Only with progressing age (56 now) i can mask it better. Counting to ten and reminding yourself the other doesn't do it on purpose is sincerely advised.

Feelings? Which ones? Anger and frustration? It's debatable who's at fault. I get angry and frustrated because most people around i've met think at half the speed. Have to explain everything slowly. Would annoy anybody.

Petrossa, I've read many of your posts and I find your thinking very easy to relate to. I am 38 yo and honestly over time I have found ways to "fit in" or "fake it 'till you make it" to seem more NT in scoial situations. I think I do it well enough to fool those I work with. However, I find that my irritability in dealing with others has gotten worse over time. For a while I thought I was becoming more patient but no, I really haven't.

Looking at my family members there are issues on both sides. My father, although not professionally diagnosed is mega-OCD. He and my mom divorced when I was 5 - thank god I didn't have to live around him everyday. I believe I suffer from OCD although not to the same extent. Unlike many Aspies I've read about I have to have things organzed and clean to be able to think/function. I have watched my father get down on hid hands and knees to crawl around and pick lint off the carpet (wow).

My mother is an interesting case. I'm not sure what she suffers from (and the shrink she's been seeing for over 20 years seems to be clueless also). I think she suffers from several conditions but now I wonder if she suffers from AS or HFA along with other issues. There is a long history of mental illness on her side. My youngest brother (actually half-brother) committed suicide in 2007. He was 10 years younger than I and thinking back to his childhood I definitely suspect now that he was autistic. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia but he had some early learning disabilities and as a young adult was even more stoic and emotionally void than I. I miss him terribly - we were very close.

I'm starting to get pissed off thinking about all of this.

I hear you allgirlusa. There's not much i can say for the irritation part. It's what it is. I take some herbals and SSRI's which have some damping effect. When it gets hairy i chew on a Xanax.

All in all avoidance is the only real remedy.

Avoidance, yes. I don't like taking medication. I know I suffer from moderate depression and anxiety but I have never used medication to control them. I would if I absolutely needed to and I have come close to seeking perscription relief, but I haven't had to yet. I've never even had a pain killer of any sort.

It's been hard these last few days thinking about all the new information I now have concerning AS. I'm surprised that I'm angry about having AS but at the same time when my husband does something that irritates me I know why it irritates me.

Medication is a question of balance. Does the good balance out the bad. For anxiety and irritation nothing beats medication except avoidance.

But in this world avoidance is hard to do. One can avoid going to crowded places, anywhere many people mingle. It's hard to avoid your family/work colleagues. In that case medication can help a lot.

To me it's a simple calculation. Do i want to be irritated/anxious by situations that i cannot avoid/control or do i just pop a pill and slide through it.

For me it's a no-brainer, just look for the 'right' kind of doctor. The one i have is easy-going. I give her a list of what i need and she prescribes it. Since i'm quite well versed in the medication department my lists are good.

But to each his own. Maybe for you meditation works. Zoning out can be quite effective as well as long as your surroundings are aware of it, and the reason why.

The anger will never subside, better learn to handle it.

I know that the irritability and anxiousness will always be in me and that triggers are not completely avoidable. But now that I am aware that my brain is wired differently than most of the world at least I understand why these feelings arise. Because this is all so new I am trying to figure out how much of my hostility is coming from my true feelings and how much from the frustration is from not knowing why they are happening. Long before now I have wondered why a situation would cause me such irritation while someone else remain seemingly unaffected. Understanding brings me some peace. I am in the beginning stages of understanding why my feelings occur.

I've started talking with my husband about the issues I now recognize are caused by AS and how we seem to be different in our thought patterns and feelings. For the first time it feels like we may be able to really connect. I've always assumed that all people thought like I did and didn't understand that his way of thinking is fundamentally different from my own.

I know I won't be able to control the anger from happening but knowing that it is generated by a thought process that is unlike most people, I can try and react to it differently (and not become so hostile at times). We'll see how it goes.

i have theory about that. It goes as follows:

Due to the fact that our body is controlled by 2 different brainstructures, of which only one can express itself directly, the other has to express itself using body control.

In NT people there is a feedback. I.e. the 2 brains react to each other. The nonspeaking (emotional) part 'notices' it's been processed by the other and it's satisfied.

However in autistic people this feedback is virtually non-existent. This causes primarily that they can't read feelings. They don'tor hardly register. This causes the other brain to get frustrated. Since it has no real means of communication it manipulates the stress system to cause such a strong feeling you have to notice it.

Ergo, you feel anxious/anger. Not because you are that way, but because the other brain is that way.

Read more about it here: http://petrossa.wordpress.com/2010/05/16/free-will-does-it-exist/