relationship with an aspie

Hello everyone,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 1.5 years, and he is an aspie. He has been working as a pizza delivery driver since age 17, which was 8 years ago. He went to a community college and nearly finished an associates degree in web design. But he has two required classes left that he just "can't" pass. He has tried several times and has just given up. He has spent 6 years trying to get this degree, and he refuses to try these classes again.

I want him to be successful SO badly. So I guess my question is, how do I motivate him to want to be successful? At this point, he's given up so many times that he doesn't even want to try anymore. How can I help him?

Please help!!

Keep in mind that Aspie's get very comfortable with predictability and "routine". The pizza job may well be serving that function in his life. If he got the job when he was 17, he has had it through a few major unavoidable transitions (high school graduation, college classes, (is he still living at home?) etc.) His failure in the classes may have had a huge impact on him. Many people with AS do not deal well with failure (not just in classes, either). It sometimes has a much bigger effect on them than just a confidence buster it would be for anyone. Failure causes huge anxiety in some aspies. Your boyfriend may well feel incapable of dealing with the thought of possibly failing one more time. Do you know if he has tried to find some counseling? Colleges often offer free or very cheap psychological counseling to their students. Actually, perhaps a trip to the college academic counselor would do nearly as much good as a Psych. Perhaps his interest in computers could be taken to a slightly different angle than web design (at least in the shorter term) and eventually he may gain enough background knowledge that the remaining classes would be easier for him. An academic counselor might be able to help him explore some options.
One more thought is that the idea of getting his degree and "moving on" may well be honestly terrifying to him. It represents huge changes in his life. Having to interview, get a job in a new place, work with a whole new set of people he has never met before, get to know a new boss and their expectations for him..... Those things would be daunting to many aspies.

You are clearly a great person to be concerned and try to learn more about your boyfriend's AS. If he is willing to talk openly with you about it, and about his possible concerns/fears about the future, maybe he would let you discuss some of these things with him. Don't expect it to be easy for him to talk, or make decisions to change readily though. It may take a lot of patience on your part. Keep reminding him of all the things you love about him, all the stuff he is good at, and point out that he is capable of a lot more than driving a delivery car. Best wishes!

You really have to ask the question if HE wants to be succesful. For Aspies things are very literal, rational. Success is relative, and most are happier doing something they like then doing something they are very good at but don't.

There is a dutch pianist who was an AS math genius wonderchild and could have become the next stephen hawkings. He liked playing the piano better. He's good, but not supergood at it. But content.

you wanting him to be successful is one thing. but if he doesn't want to do it, that's 'game over'. you need to fully understand what's behind this position. i candidly think he feels humiliated by his past failures and has just closed-off to avoid that possibility again. it may simply be that he's not capable of getting this degree and trying harder is just going to rub that in all the more. that said, i feel there's a lack of understanding as to what's causing these failures. it must be possible to find out more precisely what the specific weaknesses are in his performance and seek some form of mentoring to try to overcome them. nevertheless, this is entirely up to him and i suggest you don't push it too much or try to live his life for him. otherwise, even though your intentions may be good, he'll perceive you as part of the problem rather that part of the solution. and aspies have a habit of running away from problems. i think you know what that means, don't you!!!

I really like what the others have said. This is to add to their replies.

I'm a software engineer who works in and around the web. I've been doing it for about ten years. In this field a degree does help but there are other factors that are much more important than the degree. You mentioned that he's been working on this for 6 years, which is what caught my interest because web design in 2010 is WAY different from web design in 2004. Things change so fast in this industry.

What employers want to see in this field is people that have experience ("real world" experience and/or a portfolio) and do work and learning on their own to keep up with changes in our field.

So what I'm saying is that the best thing to do for him is to finish that degree if possible since he's already poured a lot of time into it. However, it might also do him well to just skip the degree if it's THAT much of a problem. Frankly, not many companies are going to hire somebody just because they have a degree these days anyway, especially if it's an associate's degree from a community college. It will come down to his talents and how well he keeps up with the technology.

He might want to look into doing some free web design work for local family members or even local organizations like churches or community groups. Then he'll have a bit of a portfolio and real-world experience. This is a place where you might be able to really help him, both to help him figure out how to approach those organizations AND to make sure they don't take advantage of him.

Best of luck!!!